This house is empty and depressing; Mom was worn down over a period of years

Everyone has gone except me. My brother and Kaitlin are gone. (I have no idea how to spell her name – I should ask.) So my dad and I are here alone, and we don’t talk a whole lot. The two cats are here, and the horses. I didn’t feel very well today, so I didn’t go to the barn to help with the horses.

I did water the plants. There are dozens of plants all over the house. Mom was catching rainwater on the porches, in lots of little used plastic containers, and putting it into used milk bottles. It’s actually easier to use that, because you don’t have to wait for the slow, low-pressure faucet to fill something up.

Dad’s watching TV downstairs. I’m up in the den. I took a nap this evening, and I’m still not really awake and energetic. The lights feel too dim. The house feels too empty.

I made myself another pawpaw tea. This time, I actually boiled some water and put the wood chips into it. Last time I made it, I only soaked the wood chips in cool water, not hot.

So I started drinking this tea, but could not finish more than a few swallows of it. It was much stronger and it was definitely emetic: I would have vomited if I had more of it. And this is the extremely low dose stuff harvested in the middle of winter, when Dr. Jerry McLaughlin says it has hardly any acetogenins in it.

I have a feeling that taking just one single pill is going to be emetic. The pills are coming tomorrow, if they are on time. I’m going to take them with me. I will try to test them, but I’m expecting they are going to be extremely difficult. I did consider that it might be possible to use them in an enema. That way, it would avoid the stomach and would not cause vomiting.

After drinking the stronger hot tea, I became fatigued. That’s why I took such a long nap. I also felt a tremor in my hands, although it was not severe, and it passed. I had to struggle not to vomit for the next hour. I could have used ginger along with it, but it might have required a lot of ginger, if the dose were even higher than what I drank. The doses needed for chemotherapy are a lot higher. This natural herbal poison is indeed exactly like the chemotherapy drugs that they normally use, in terms of being a poison that makes you extremely sick; however, from what I am told, the degree and type of sickness isn’t as bad. It is the plant’s natural pesticide.

But in a natural herb, there are going to be a whole bunch of similar, but varying, substances that all have some effects, instead of just one synthetic substance all by itself. This seems to be more effective and also perhaps easier to metabolize, according to my understanding. It could theoretically be easier to metabolize than a huge dose of a single synthetic substance – or maybe the opposite, depending on how I look at it. Since I’ve never used chemo drugs, I don’t know how bad they are.

If I were going to test this, I would have to find cancer patients who were willing to try alternative medicine. They can keep doing whatever they are already doing. Or they can be hopeless cases who have already given up. But I’m not sure how or where to find these people for this experiment.

It’s also possible that I will start to worry about my usual mundane matters instead, abandon interest in cancer, and just let the pawpaw pills wait for me in their bottle for sometime in the future.

According to the timeline of what happened, it’s just as possible that pawpaws caused Mom to get cancer in the first place, and I am semi-joking about this, but yet, here it is: Dad was talking to Uncle David, Mom’s brother, who got here too late today, and he told the story of how her cancer was actually developing over the period of about a year. She was noticing early satiety, where you feel like you’re full after only eating a little bit. It got worse and worse throughout 2016. It was extremely bad in November and December, but they didn’t do anything because it was Christmas time, and then in January finally she got so sick she went to the hospital, and that’s when they discovered the cancer. So it went on for a very long time but wasn’t so bad that she was outright dying, for most of the year. That’s the time when we could have tried pawpaw as an alternative treatment, if they had known what it was. She was still able to eat enough to swallow some pills and eat some food and milk along with them to reduce stomach irritation from the pills.

I believe it was the fall of 2015 when I was there and we made pawpaw ice cream. Then in 2016 she started getting cancer. So theoretically it’s just as possible that she ate pawpaw ice cream and got cancer.

Actually, even though I am only mentioning that as a half-joke and don’t entirely believe it – millions of people eat pawpaws and never get cancer – still, I remember when we used to drink sassafras tea, and then somebody told us to stop drinking it because it could cause cancer. Natural plant poisons could actually cause cancer. And if pawpaws are a chemotherapy drug, and if chemotherapy drugs are known to cause additional types of cancer, then why couldn’t pawpaw also cause cancer? It’s a poison, it’s a pesticide, it’s a fungicide, it’s a chemo drug. Synthetic versions of all of those things are known to cause cancer.

Regardless of all that, I didn’t have enough time to give Mom any pills (I’m still waiting… they’re coming in the mail tomorrow) and my tea was too hard to take when she could barely drink anything. I just wasn’t able to test any of this on her. The pawpaw enema is the only thing I can think of that might have been possible to do.

I have a feeling I will postpone all of my interest in cancer and alternative treatments, because when I get back to State College, I am going to be worrying about mundane things again, like going back to work.

This house is just so depressing. But it was already a little bit depressing during the times when I visited and Mom was here. Mom wasn’t necessarily dying of cancer all that time, but for the past few years, she has been kind of skinnier and gray looking and her back got hunched after the incident where she fell out of the hayloft and broke her back (which she miraculously recovered from! no paralysis). She’s been on antidepressants ever since the first time she got cancer, which was caused by taking hormone pills after menopause. The chemotherapy made her extremely depressed to the point she wanted to die. After quitting chemo, she should have been okay again, but she remained on the antidepressants. That’s if I understand correctly – I tried to ask a couple of times, and they didn’t really like to tell me what meds she was on.

She might have been on one or two other meds for the past few years, but I am not sure. She also took Fossamax for osteoporosis. I don’t know if she stopped taking it, but I have heard extremely bad things about Fossamax.

I only know that she just never ate enough. That’s where her lifestyle needed to be changed so as to have holistic nutritional support to prevent cancer. She needed a lot more variety, organic foods, nutrient dense foods. Our foods are terrible. They do have some home grown vegetables though.

Dad said that she had uterine prolapse a few years ago. So the uterus was getting out of place and sagging down into the vagina, kind of like a hernia. I *think* he said it was uterine. He said that his shoulda-coulda-woulda was, he wishes that he had gotten her ovaries removed to prevent ovarian cancer. If I understand correctly they were considering doing surgery for the uterine prolapse or something, and would have removed the ovaries at that time. He and the doctors suspect ovarian cancer could have possibly started this stuff that was going on in her abdomen.

Strangely, Mom died. I don’t know that yet.

I watched her die. Did she really, actually die? The great Deanna Binns, the one everyone depended on?

I held her hand and put my other hand on her forehead. My brother John had us watch The Royal Tenenbaums. It was actually really good. When the father finally died at the end, and Chas or whoever was with him, he was in exactly that same position, although I was kind of lying down by her, not sitting – wait, maybe I was sitting, actually – he had one hand holding his father’s hand, and the other hand on his father’s forehead. Apparently, this is a common, instinctive response, a common way to bond with someone and show love when they are sick and dying.

She was weakening over the past few years, and all her injuries were accumulating – the hormone pills after menopause, the breast cancer, the mastectomy, the chemo from breast cancer, the antidepressants, the Fossamax for osteoporosis, the extremely poor diet where she basically never ate anything, and what she did eat was the ‘standard American diet’ with just a few homegrown vegetables in it; the broken back, which permanently deformed her back after it healed; and by the time I got to visit her in the past couple years, she already was looking kind of gray, skinny, hunched, sickly, and weak. I forgot about how bad it was, but then I saw some photos that Patrick had from before she was *really* sick. She still looked sickly anyhow.

Modern life and modern medicine wore her down gradually. Then there was an accident, which could have been deliberately caused by an electronic attack – the fall from the hayloft incident – or it could have been truly random. Those injuries will happen. An injury like that could happen in a healthy society too. But I still feel that the vast majority of her illnesses were caused by modern society, bad diets, too many drugs, using drugs to treat everything instead of troubleshooting it or looking for alternatives. Those things are mostly what wore Mom down over time. She should have lived 30 years longer, which is an entire additional lifetime. She should have lived to 100 and been strong the whole time.

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