What made me lose hope? Something specific.

It’s actually something specific. Mom says she wants to go to the Hospice place, which I think is in Charleston. That means she won’t be at home. I have a limit on how long i can rent this car, and also Dad doesn’t want me to stay here at the house for a long time visiting. In order to continue reaching Mom I would have to visit her in Charleston, and would have to live here longer. That means I would have to find a place to stay elsewhere, not at this house – he said no to letting me stay in the house for a few months. I would have to find another ride to go see her because I must surrender this rental car very soon. They gave me $1000 to get me down here, but that amount will quickly vanish as I rent this car longer and longer. I don’t mind getting rid of the rental car if Mom is still here in the house, but when she gets moved, it will get to be impossible to reach her EVERY DAY TWICE A DAY to make sure I’m giving her the pawpaw pills, WHICH ARE ARRIVING TUESDAY.

I did give her a couple sips of the tea, but she did not really like it and did not really want it. I didn’t know how to verbalize this until I attempted to give her the tea, but now that it happened, I can explain why this is difficult. The treatment has to be as fast, intense, and non-interactive as possible. Swallowing one very strong pill is ideal. Drinking a tea takes longer, is weaker, and has a flavor that she might not like, and requires a larger amount of dilute liquid in her stomach at a time when she doesn’t desire to eat or drink much. A pill, I can be like, ‘Here you go. Swallow this,’ and she’s done. It actually recommends two pills at once. I wouldn’t mind giving her four pills individually over the hours of the day.

You’re recommended to take four a day, but they tested up to 16 pills a day, which is the moment when it triggers vomiting and you just can’t take any more of them. It’s much, much less toxic than many other chemotherapy substances. They say it cannot kill you by overdosing because of the vomit reflex that it triggers. Other substances do not necessarily trigger you to vomit, and that is why it’s possible to overdose on them. This is a natural plant poison whose whole purpose is to make you vomit so you will never eat a green, unripe pawpaw ever again, because the seeds aren’t ready to be distributed yet.

People notice tumor shrinking within about two weeks of taking the pawpaw pills. When I drank my weak low-dose tea and felt the burning sensation, which was actually somehow strangely pleasant and refreshing, I knew that actually, you would start feeling some effects immediately after the very first pill, but you wouldn’t be able to detect the shrinking of the tumors. You would just notice
*something*. I don’t have any huge tumors, so I can’t observe this sensation myself, but I predict that you will actually feel a tingling burning sensation inside the tumors, where the cells are being killed because cancer cells use energy differently than regular cells or something (I still haven’t memorized the exact explanation).

This guy who found pawpaw was in a research project where they studied THOUSANDS OF NATURAL PLANT POISONS. They painstakingly went through thousands of natural chemicals and discovered which ones were the strongest, and pawpaw was by far the best one that this particular guy found, and it has the great advantage of being convenient because it grows in the USA. He said there was an issue if you were harvesting foreign plants in other countries, because you had to sign some kind of agreement about who would receive the profits from these plants, so it made it much easier to just take native American and other American plants. So, he didn’t just up and decide suddenly that pawpaw was special. He picked this plant after painstakingly examining thousands of chemicals from thousands of plants.

My pawpaw pills arrive Tuesday. I will have to secretly access Mom and avoid the fight with Dad if I am to give any to her. So I have to sneak through ‘security’ at the right moment. I have to get her to agree to try one. She says she’s donating her body to science, so I’m going to use that idea: Mom, please donate your body to science while you are still alive: test these herbal pills with me. This is science, the most noble form of science, the best use of science. You might be able to help other people with cancer later on if this helps you and I see that and I can feel convinced to go on to try giving it to other people afterwards because it helped you. That’s science.

If she’s at the Hospice place and I visit her by myself, it will be easier to avoid Dad, but I would have to be living in the local area, either staying at someone else’s house because I’m no longer welcome here, or getting a ride into town somehow because I’ve given up the rental car by then and will still need a few weeks to start treating her, as her body is starving to death.

The pawpaw guy (I’m terrible with names, but out of respect, I should google him again and write it) – Dr. Jerry McLaughlin – okay, I still might not remember the name but anyway – he said they tried this on people who were very close to death. Out of that group, several people died anyway because they were just *so close* anyway and by then it was all falling apart and there just wasn’t enough time. But, a bunch of other people survived and many of them were doing very well a year later, and their tumors shrank.

Mom is in the ‘brink of death’ category by the looks of her, although she improves enormously if only she drinks a milkshake. She suddenly has strength and energy when she was weak before. Patrick brought her a chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s, and believe me, I’m not gonna complain that it’s junk food from McDonald’s 😀 😀 😀 certainly not now – she ate it and enjoyed it. Ideally in the long run she needs much better food, but right now she’s just burning anything, throwing it into the fire – during one of her drug-induced moments of confusion, she was talking strangely, saying, ‘What are those boxes?’ and I attempted to see the same world she was seeing, and I said, ‘I don’t know, I’m not sure what those boxes are. But I was talking earlier about boxes of things I needed to get rid of, and things I needed to keep.’ She said, ‘Are they burnable?’ I pictured her searching for boxes of supplies that were burnable. She’s not eating anything and she’s starving, so I take this metaphorically as her body looking for energy to burn. I don’t know if that’s what she was dreaming or not, but when she talks strangely, I take it as a metaphor for something happening to her in her body, usually.

Patrick gave her some marijuana to smoke on the day when she was throwing up a whole lot and pooping a lot. She hadn’t pooped for days, then took milk of magnesia, which was very effective but gave her agony and pain and horrible diarrhea and vomiting for hours and hours, the whole night long – it was terrible. It just went on and on, over and over again. He gave her marijuana and it helped her a lot for a while, and she dozed off.

Afterwards she said she was seeing an egg in the air in front of her, some kind of a round thing going back into the distance. Usually when people on their deathbeds start seeing tunnel-like objects in front of them, it’s a pretty bad sign. Don’t go into the tunnel, Mom. Just wait a couple more days and then we’re gonna try something.

I think the opioids are stopping her from pooping. And then the cancer tumors are causing pain as the foods move around through her digestive system, pressing against the objects. This is exactly like menstrual cramping. When I have menstrual cramps, which, by the way, I will soon have to worry about again, I notice that my stools in my intestines are touching against the uterus and it causes terrible pain, but as soon as they move elsewhere, the pain is reduced. So the stools press on tumors and cause pain. The moments of pain are intermittent, which means that something is moving and changing. It is constant pain, but the terribly bad pain happens when her bowels are moving.

She’s also been saying she wants to go to sleep and not wake up. Somebody is probably going to give her an overdose of drugs, I’m guessing, and I’d like to jump in and give her pawpaw before anyone does that. So I was paranoid this evening when Dad and Patrick were hanging around her and talking and I walked in and felt as though I had interrupted something and Dad seemed a teensy bit guilty like I had just caught him doing something bad.

So yeah, there’s a really good chance that she will be taken out of reach, and that I won’t be able to make car trips to see her daily, and someone else will intervene and give her a lethal overdose before I get my chance. Her starvation could possibly go on for a few more weeks if only she drank a milkshake once a day, but today,
disappointingly, I don’t think she ate anything solid at all or any milkshake, even though I offered her the less-desirable vanilla milkshake we still had in the fridge. She’s a skeleton, but as soon as she eats the milkshake, she gets a lot more energy and can stand up and walk to the bathroom and is much, much stronger for a few hours.

Dad’s brain shuts down anytime I talk about any form of alternative medicine whatsoever, so I cannot repeat to him the nature of …. the doctor whose name I forgot, Dr. Jerry McLaughlin, the nature of his work and how officially scientific it is (and Dr. McLaughlin is yet another Delta Quadra ISTP, like myself, like my dad, and like many of my family members – I can hear it when he talks). His knowledge and information processing is extremely easy for me to accept and understand, and Dad would be able to hear it too – it helps SO MUCH when somebody is the same type you are, transferring their knowledge to you in the words that your brain is able to accept and process. And if not the same type you are, then in the same quadra – that helps greatly as well.

So Dad thinks that all alternative medicine and all talk of pawpaws is just sheer ranting lunacy and could not possibly have been done by an extremely serious scientist who worked for a university doing a gigantic and expensive research project with a grant from the Cancer Society – NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, brain shutdown. La la la, I can’t hear you.

So in the midst of all my other tactical difficulties, I have to get past ‘The Guardian,’ Dad, to sneak my treatment to her, and then I have to get her own consent and participation as well, because she must swallow the pills: the transdermal cannot work – I tried it – although with the pills there might be some faint little bit of stuff that goes through the skin, but nowhere near enough – the molecules are huge.

It’s really a distribution problem. We’ve got what we need (or we will, on Tuesday), but can’t distribute it to the people who need it.

So that is why I’m somewhat hopeless and expecting her to die without ever getting the chance to help her at all. There is still some hope, somehow, and I’m going to try my best, but the time limit is approaching, and all the various factors are flowing together, making it a greater and greater challenge, all the time limits and all the changes in our situation.

After this research, and after drinking the weak low dose pawpaw twig tea myself, I will always know that pawpaw twigs do *something*, and if ever I get a chance to test it on another real cancer patient or on myself, I will.

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