Mom’s alive, for now

But I heard a story that awakened a rebellious spirit in me. Dad told me that originally she had wanted to try the chemotherapy. He said that after some discussion, he reminded her that she had always said, it was the quality of life that mattered, not the quantity, and he began to cry as he said this. That was what made her, and them, decide not to do chemotherapy.

Woo, those are some nasty drugs. I kissed Mom on the forehead and went into drug withdrawal within half an hour. My hands are shaking and I am having a panic attack. I don’t know what it is, other than painkiller. It’s coming out of her skin, being excreted. I recognize the sensations – they are not emotional, they are drug-induced.

The rebellious spirit – perhaps I can secretly sneak some herbal chemotherapy to her, although I won’t do anything harsh that will make her sick. I’m testing everything on myself first. I would like to make it go through the skin, not through the stomach, if possible. Dad actually told me I could go wave magic wands over her and dance and sing and rub things on her skin if I wanted to, as long as I didn’t interrogate her about her illness. Anyway, I might get something, test it on myself, and see whether I can find anything at all that will go through the skin, which has any claims and anecdotes of shrinking tumors.

This approach isn’t holistic, but I feel I don’t have permission to violate particular boundaries. If I had my way, I would be bathing her in mineral water or clay water, and might add some kind of magnesium, although I’m not fond of epsom salts because they are sulfur, and sulfur makes you stop breathing.

There are also things that are more esoteric, and I feel that I should know them, but I don’t. There is the Budwig diet, and some kind of rationale about how the oil delivers oxygen or something bizarre like that. And of course I’ve seen the discussion of how the original Budwig diet was different from the imitations that came later on. And nobody has access to real authentic quark cheese.

I’d like to give her some kind of juice smoothies, but it shouldn’t contain goitrogens. I had my own bad experiences drinking smoothies that contained kale, earlier this summer – they made me exhausted. WHY ARE WE SO STUPID, why do we refuse to ever eat anything from any other plant families except the same plant families over and over again, when there are THOUSANDS of edible plant families out there?

I told her, ‘You’re so beautiful to me.’ And I meant it totally sincerely. She is so beautiful. I was so happy to see her face, so happy to hear her voice, even though at first all I heard was her familiar cough in the middle of the night because I was there at the wrong time to see her. She’s on drugs now and lying in bed still.

The drugs are kind of a trap that I am wary of. I went into a terrifying withdrawal after merely kissing her forehead with my lips. I felt the sensations – shaky, shaky, shaky hands, shaky chest, a feeling of panic. I do not experience panicky emotions. It is a physical sensation that I recognize from many other experiences, and it is drug-induced. Stopping those drugs or going into withdrawal, daily, as the doses wear off, will be a problem, a recurring one. I still feel it now – a tickly feeling in my throat, a trembling inside my chest.

Anyway, I got the impression that Mom … might possibly, possibly have an opening for an alternative form of chemotherapy. Herbal chemotherapy, using carefully selected medicines that I test on myself first to find out the side effects, to avoid worsening her, and also to make sure they are effective, because, as I sensed with the pawpaw, there wasn’t really any poison in there, and so it would have no effect using only the winter twigs and winter bark – the anecdotes say, use the juice of the leaves.

It will take courage to test them on myself, but it is necessary.

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2 Responses to “Mom’s alive, for now”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    To make real “quark cheese” you need muon gluons!

    I am glad you found your way back home.

    Give your dad a bear hug and your mom all my prayers.

    ETA

  2. Nicole Says:

    That explains why quark cheese is so hard to find around here! Yes, I’m really glad to see everyone and we have had a whole bunch of people here, friends, family, neighbors, everyone.

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