Graviola pills: I ate one and it isn’t strong enough. I’m hunting for pawpaw tonight.

They say that graviola is much, much weaker than pawpaw, and that pawpaw twigs contain very little of the substance unless they are harvested in May. I saw another anecdote that said they were using the leaves, but leaves aren’t available right now, unless I pick them up off the ground, and they’re wilted, and wilted leaves are often poisonous in a bad way, so I hesitate to do that.

I did have an effect from eating the bark and twigs, but I’m not sure what caused the effect. It actually made my stomach irritated for several days. That indicates that there is indeed poison in there, even in the winter, but I don’t know if it’s the desired poison. It wasn’t bitter, and I thought tannins were bitter and tannins were usually what causes stomach irritation. If it has something else, not tannin, that causes stomach irritation, maybe it is the desired poison.

This is risky: avoiding irritation that could prevent her from eating the little bits of food she needs to eat, when she is already starving.

I’m going to eat it with her. Whatever she eats, I will eat. I took a graviola pill, and it gave me just some very mild weird sensations for only a short time, and then it went away.

I made some essiac tea, and it has made me poop about 300 times, which means it is too strong to give it to Mom, because she can’t poop and she will be in agonizing pain if it triggers an attempt to poop. If I gave any to her, I would only give less than a thimbleful to see if it triggered cramps.

The type of irritation caused by the pawpaw is different from the poop-inducing irritation of the essiac tea.

As soon as I finish writing this I’m going to go out hunting for more pawpaws. I brought my twigs with me, but I will look for more, and maybe I will try to dig up some roots and slice a little off them as well, if possible. I have to find these trees in the dark, without leaves, in the winter, on a path where I only walked once while looking for trees (although I walked there many other times when I wasn’t noticing the tree locations). I have to identify them in the dark with a flashlight. I do believe there was one early on in the path, and I only have to harass and torture that one particular tree, hopefully not too badly – if I am taking a lot, I will not want to torture only one single tree, but distribute it over many trees so they are not harmed.

I ordered pawpaw pills, but they will take too many days to get here, and Mom will be dead, or away from the house. I ordered them anyway, and if she’s alive she’ll be able to take them – they are from the people who harvest them in May when they are full of the poison. I can only get this very low dose, in the winter, but if that’s all I have, then that is what I will do.

I have my other twigs but I want to go out hunting in the night, just to feel like I’m doing something. I’ll get EVEN FRESHER ones instead of the sticks that sat for a couple of days.

Graviola: I don’t know if it’s always necessarily useless, but this particular bottle, made in this particular way, seems to be very weak and I doubt it would be able to attack the cancer.

Pawpaw irritates the digestive lining because that is an actively growing cell membrane that produces a lot of ATP (energy). It attacks actively growing cells producing a lot of ATP and prevents them from doing it. This is less harmful to normal cells because they produce a lot… wait, did I explain that backwards? Okay, cancer cells AREN’T producing very much ATP, because they use fermentation (which must be why people say you must add oxygen to them). I need to go read it again. The idea was that normal cells had enough that they could compensate, but cancer cells couldn’t, so they died, rapidly, and fell apart. TUMOR SHRINKING.

I explained some of that wrong. But don’t worry. It’s on some web page somewhere. .

I’m going to get my coat on and go outside hunting, just to do something, when I am trapped, helpless, frustrated, so angry – I was reading the literature from Hospice, and it said that there’s a time when you have to give them permission to die. I decided I’m not giving her permission. I refuse. Anybody who tells me otherwise can fuck themselves. If she dies without my permission, then so be it, I’ll deal with that after it happens, but until it happens by force without my consent, I refuse to give it permission. I REFUSE TO GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY MOM TO DIE RIGHT NOW, although it’s okay if she eventually does many years in the future, but not now, not from this, not from this cancer. Let them rip her away from me by force, but I will not say yes to it.

That’s why I am driving my rental car all over town looking for places to buy herbs, and why I’m now going outside and walking because they don’t sell pawpaw in the stores yet. I am angry.

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