Threatening someone’s beliefs in a time of stress; herbal medicine, Pau d’arco for cancer; I got some food with food stamps today

4:59 PM 1/16/2017

Yeah, the netbook battery is low. Oh well, I will use it for a while.

‘List,’ not ‘lost.’ In the previous post I had a typo that wasn’t fixed by autocorrect because ‘lost’ is a real word. I was trying to ‘list’ all the factors responsible for Mom’s death.

Trying to do something that violates a person’s beliefs:

From my point of view, it seems like it would be harmless and non-threatening to give someone herbal medicine on their deathbed when all hope is lost anyway. It’s like, ‘Hey, we might as well do this pointless ritual just because we can. No harm done.’

However, that is probably not how my mother and father view it. It’s not just because it’s a time of stress, but that is contributing to it. Under stress they will want to cling to their beliefs even more strongly. But even in less stressful times, alternative medicine is a major, extreme threat to their entire way of life and all of their values.

Dad didn’t talk about my beliefs as though they were ‘evil.’ He talked about them as though they were *contemptible*. When you believe that you are superior to someone else, it is extremely threatening to find out that that person knows something you don’t know.

I’m not quite sure how Mom would react, other than simply being upset and resigned and wanting to be left alone. I doubt that I could make her drink a tea when she is almost unable to eat. I would want to do it transdermally, and I would need something, either water or oil, to dissolve it in. If something could be smoked or inhaled, that would help too. She might not have enough mental energy to ‘humor’ me and allow me to indulge myself by attempting to do something that I think has some last-ditch possibility of helping a tiny bit. She won’t want to be viewed as a mere ‘test subject.’

It’s just, from my point of view, this is the PERFECT TIME to try herbal medicine or alternative medicine, but I have a strong feeling that they won’t think so – they will feel exactly the opposite – this is the WORST time to try something new and unfamiliar. Resignation to death is what they have in their minds right now. Anything else is going to make them angry or violated. They will feel like it’s an attempt to give them false hope, which will be disappointed.

I honestly believe that there is still real hope at this point. I believe there is *something* out there that can cure cancer even at such a late stage. I don’t think of her cancer as ‘metastasized,’ I view it as something that arose spontaneously all over the place, everywhere, due to systemic factors, such as a poisonous chemical that went everywhere through her bloodstream and deposited the poisons all over her body. I don’t like the phrase ‘late stage’ and I don’t like to think of ‘stages’ of cancer, because people tend to think that if it’s in Stage X, then it’s incurable and your only future is death. Oh no, it’s metastasized, game over! Death is inevitable! Stop trying to do anything at all!

I wonder if something happened around November, which wasn’t the chemical spill of a few years ago. Around November, they put their cat Sammy to sleep because Sammy suddenly started having major problems. He was old and sick anyway, but something went very wrong in November. Maybe, whatever it was, the same factor affected Mom. Maybe there was another chemical spill or a virus or something. Mom was *relatively* okay up until November, although I imagine she wasn’t really great. This just happened rather suddenly in the past few months.

I also wonder if she’s allowed to smoke cigarettes. That would help her poop. Cigarettes strongly trigger bowel movements. I experienced it myself that one time when I was with Jesse when he was home and I consented, after much pushing, to take one microscopic puff on a cigarette. I took this microscopically small puff, and was sick and angry for days. On the first day after that puff, I pooped like six times. It wasn’t even an entire breath of cigarette.

Lack of intellectual stimulation is really bothering me. I need to use my mind for something. I was really enjoying programming that video game, but I can’t do that now – I am too invested in what’s going on with Mom. I can’t invest energy into something else. I can’t disconnect.

I was sort of at an impasse with the game, having the same problem over and over – for unknown reasons, my different if-then scenarios were being triggered even if it was under conditions that seemingly should have been ruled out. Like, for example, if the sky is blue, then jump up and down. The character would jump up and down even though the sky was grey. I TOLD you, IF THE SKY IS BLUE. But no, it seemed to ignore that. It was going to need a lot of troubleshooting for me to understand what was happening. That’s why I just kept on struggling with this same problem for ages, how to pick up this axe object and put it into the inventory and get it back out again once it’s in there.

On another topic, I had a dream today. It wasn’t as mystical as the previous one. In this one, somebody who looked like a combination of Rich from Maki Yaki, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (maybe that also refers to Joseph from Maki Yaki?), was my boyfriend. I touched the back of his neck and he became aroused, but I cannot have sex with anybody right now until I get some antibiotics. This is referring to the real incident where I was with Chris and he asked me to massage his neck. I don’t remember much of the dream after that – I was woken up.

Chris’s sexual arousal seemed less agressive than most guys. He told me years ago he has Kleinfelter syndrome, which means his chromosomes are XXY, if I recall correctly. I think it’s two Xs and one Y. It took him a long time to grow up, and he’s still extremely skinny, but this is okay because I love skinny guys. He doesn’t grow much of a beard, but now that he is unemployed and on disability, he is growing the little bit that he has, which is only like less than two inches long and very thin, not covering much of his face. His hormones are probably not normal because of his chromosomes. There were only a few times when I sensed that I had triggered a small amount of arousal (prior to the neck massage incident). One time I was hugging him goodbye and I hugged him longer than was necessary and rubbed my hands on his back. I sensed an energetic change in him – he seemed to suddenly pay more attention and suddenly seemed focused on me.

I haven’t been over there for quite a while, but that is because I became absolutely certain of my STD and the need to go get it tested and get the antibiotics for it. I also have been more concerned about the fact that I don’t have a lot of food, so I have been saving energy, and it’s a very long bike ride to get there when you aren’t eating a lot of food. It’s okay if I am confident that I can waste as many calories as I want to. And it’s helpful to have money to ride the bus. I didn’t have that either.

I also cannot do my laundry until I get money, and I will probably wash it very quickly after tomorrow when Dad’s money gets deposited into my account. My clothing has an extremely unpleasant smell because of the disease. I will be able to buy a few more things I need to help me in the short term make it less disgusting and less unpleasant. I do see a very strong correlation: if I drink coffee, I suddenly stop spewing liquids in such large amounts, and I can only assume this is because coffee causes major dehydration.

I am not seeing myself going to WV and staying a very long time. Dad made it sound like I would only be visiting for a week or so. However, he could be wrong – if Mom is going to die very soon then I am going to stay for the funeral too. They are making it sound like they don’t want me to be there. Dad has no way to withdraw, relax, and disconnect – Mom is there constantly in extreme discomfort and pain. She is miserable, he says. I honestly don’t know if she will live the rest of this week.

Changing beliefs – that was the title of this notepad file. It’s extremely threatening for them to imagine that maybe alternative medicine might work and might be the appropriate thing to do, especially since we are resigned to death anyway. But they don’t want to be given a false hope. However, I haven’t been resigned yet. I am not yet committed to my mom’s death.

I don’t have Dad’s deposit yet, but I did get a deposit of food stamps money, so I had $19 for food. As soon as I found that out, I rode my bike straight to Weis because I was hungry and thirsty, even though I was tired and didn’t feel like riding my bike anymore. I have wanted fruits and juice for days, so I got apple cider (because it’s cheap), bananas, and a mango. I also got two sandwiches and a can of tuna. The apple cider is like a liter or something, I forget how much – it’s not a lot, but it’s more than just a single serving bottle. But even if the weather is warm tomorrow, I expect I will drink it before the end of the day tomorrow, I hope. I drank a bunch of it right away, and what did it do? It nauseated me. I don’t know why.

I also thought my food stamps card wasn’t going to work AGAIN. I ran it through the card reader, pushed all the right buttons, waited, and it said ‘Not Authorized.’ ‘Aw, what’s it doin’ NOW?’ I shouted, because I’d already had a whole bunch of problems with the other card, since I forgot to activate it before trying to use it, and had finally gotten this all fixed, and was sure I had enough money to pay for it. But the cashier said that the reader was having problems so he had to type the numbers in by hand. He did, while I waited in great anxiety, thinking it wasn’t that, thinking the stupid bitch at the food stamps place had just deactivated my account immediately. But no, it worked when he typed in the numbers. Yay! I have fruits now.

I didn’t get coffee, so I’ve had no coffee today. It’s quite likely I’ll be drinking it at Mom and Dad’s house.

I cannot disconnect from the idea that Mom is constantly suffering. As every minute of every hour passes, Mom is at home, suffering. It’s not just ‘pain’ and it cannot be fixed merely by giving morphine or something. It’s discomfort, because she can’t eat, and Dad said she can’t poop – I don’t know the extent of being unable to poop and for how long, but that is a form of discomfort that goes beyond mere ‘pain.’ There is also fullness and distension in her abdomen, which she said is from solid masses, not from fluid, so it cannot merely be drained. So you’re walking around with solid objects that are blocking your intestines, making you throw up, and making it hard to move, and making you feel constantly bloated, while you can’t go to the bathroom.

This is not mere ‘pain.’ I don’t like using the word ‘pain’ to describe every single thing that goes wrong in your body, and when I go to the hospital and I’m supposed to give my pain a number from one to ten, I am always totally lost. I have never experienced severe, unbearable, excruciating pain, except menstrual cramps, and when you have menstrual cramps, you know everything is really okay – pain is different when you actually have a severe injury and permanent damage is occurring. And I have a feeling that my menstrual cramps are not the limit of how bad pain can be. I have a feeling that pain can be much, much, much worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, and so, in the big scheme of things, even when I’m very uncomfortable, part of me still wants to say that my pain is only at a fraction of 1, like 1/8 or something. There are orders of magnitude more pain than I have ever experienced. Plus, ‘pain’ erases all the nuances. I’m having SENSATIONS, which are specific things that I can describe, but that’s not all just PAIN.

So I feel, whenever I want to get involved in something entertaining to distract my mind, if I would read something or watch a video or listen to a song, as the minutes and hours of my life go by, every second of that time, Mom is in misery, and for her, time is slowed down. Every second ticks by like she’s in prison. It really is like being in prison.

And if I were totally helpless to do anything, for real, then it might be okay to spend my time happily distracting myself. However, I still feel like there is something that can be done, action that can be taken, one last thing that has to be tried. Let’s apply this herbal remedy and see if it really shrinks the tumors FOR REAL like the people on the internet say it does!

Note, I am not thinking of any specific remedy. The only one I happened to come across while looking in a forum was some plant called ‘pau d’arco’ or something like that, which sounds like a brand name of fancy clothing. I need to google that again and see if I’m not actually remembering it wrong. Nope, that’s the right name. That’s not unique. It’s only one of many, many alternative cancer
treatments, it just happens to be the first one I ran across. There are probably mundane plants from the USA that would work too. Sheep sorrel roots, in Essiac tea, are a substitute for a Native American plant that is not the same as sheep sorrel. Native plants are gone and have to be regrown. We do not know exactly which plant it was that the Native American told her would cure cancer, the Essiac tea lady.

I know what my dad would say if I brought an herbal remedy – ‘This is how you’re spending the money I gave you???’ Well, I’m not going to go out there and buy the most expensive thing on the market. The whole point of herbs is they are cheaper than medical treatments and you can get them quickly without a prescription.

It looks like it’s at GNC. I think I could walk into a GNC in town and ask them if they have this. Maybe I will, once I get the money tomorrow. It has the google shopping results and GNC is one of them. Yeah, it’s right there on Pugh Street. That’s where I thought it was. There’s also a Nature’s Pantry, but that’s harder to reach – I need a bus to get there. I love that place though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: