Community cafe meal and 2 cups coffee; watched ‘Peculiar Children’ and some of ‘Robin Hood’ and went to the HUB; ominous feeling of dread here for some reason

4:04 PM 1/12/2017

I’m here early at the St. Andrews church for the community cafe. I went to the food stamps place. I don’t even want to talk about what happened there. The answer is no, I can’t get any help from them. I don’t even believe what that lady did. It is simply unbelievable. My best guess at her personality type is ESTJ, which is why she reacted exactly the same way Myro reacted (also ESTJ) when I mentioned that I would be leaving town in a few weeks – her response was to instantly say she was shutting down my food stamps account. I was able to convince her afterwards to leave it open until the last minute, when I would call her and tell her if I was leaving for sure, because I’m not absolutely certain what’s going to happen. She was shutting it down because I’m going to be out of state, and I can’t use PA food stamps when I’m in WV.

So I stopped here at the church on the way back even though the actual meal hasn’t started yet. I picked up two loaves of bread, one rye and one sourdough. I actually should read the ingredients of the sourdough one to see how much added iron it has, because last time I got bread donations I got constipated from all the added mineral iron in the pasta and the bread.

I got myself a drink of the kool-aid, but I had a funny feeling that it was going to be sugar-free. I don’t know how I knew that. It was just a hunch. The type of people who do this kind of thing – a free food kitchen – are also the type of people who believe that sugar-free drinks are good for you and that they’re doing us a favor by giving us that. I got it anyway, took one sip, and was absolutely certain that yes, it was indeed sugar-free kool-aid. There isn’t any juice at the moment, but they might bring something out later when the real meal starts. They only have a few things out now, like the pastries, and the bread donations, and a bunch of what-the-fuck huge boxes of artichokes. That’s what I said. Somebody donated a bunch of boxes of artichokes, perhaps from a grocery store. They also have some packages of leafy greens.

I knew from experience that something in this food always makes me sick as soon as I start to eat, so I can only eat a little bit of it. I took a couple bites of the berry pie, and drank a few sips of the kool-aid, and even though I was really hungry earlier today (before I bought a ham salad sandwich and a bottle of apple juice, so that I would have energy to ride my bike out to the food stamps place TO NO AVAIL, a total waste of time and energy and calories), I was unable to eat more than a few bites.

It also might be because of the electromagnetic fields. This church has an EMF around it and it’s extremely strong. The purpose is to provide a fake religious experience when you are in here. I know because I’ve gone into the chapel area when I was sad and crying, I forget about what, and I prayed and meditated, and was actively hearing voices in my head and having paranormal experiences the whole time. Paranormal experiences, such as looking up into the air in the darkness inside the chapel, and seeing these ghosty things floating and swirling around in the air, vague and dim. So, these EMFs are upsetting my stomach enough that I can’t eat when I’m in here.

But I’m gonna sit around here for an hour and wait for the meal, and try to choke down some of it, after my stomach settles from struggling to choke down the berry pie and the poisonous sugar-free kool-aid.

I’m grateful, but ungrateful at the same time. I need the food, and if I weren’t so desperate and so miserable, and if I didn’t need it so BADLY, I would be more grateful and less inclined to complain. Maybe.

I wouldn’t mind having a box of fresh artichokes if I had a house and was able to cook them. I’m not going to attempt to cook artichokes on my propane grill. Although, that might be possible. They could be grilled. If I were adventurous and happy and wasn’t worried about anything else, maybe I would do that, and laugh about it with friends.

I also had imagined that I would take Jesse here to eat whenever he got back into town. It really would be fun to go with a friend. Steve called me last night, and no, I’m not really in the mood to eat with Steve at the moment, I’m just too miserable. But he went to Maki Yaki to say hi to me, and they told him that I was going to WV to visit Mom, although I clarified to him that this wasn’t going to happen this very instant, but rather, would happen on the 28th or somewhere around that time, as it depends on when John is able to get me.

I just have been getting the feeling that every single door is closed against me wherever I go. The emergency room did let me in, though. But now I owe them $750,000 or something.

Dude, are you getting that fake kool-aid because you actually LIKE fake kool-aid, because you actually WANT fake kool-aid, or because you just don’t KNOW that it’s fake and sugar free and you haven’t tasted it yet and you have no idea just how bad it is? It tastes horrible. I recognized the flavor of toxic chemicals immediately. Do other people really LIKE AND WANT this terrible-tasting sugar-free kool-aid??? I might go get a glass of water and put a couple packets of sugar into it. I don’t need packets – they have a scoop. I could do that. Sugar water that I made myself would be preferable to that.

There is also coffee, but I have no reason to drink coffee and nothing that can be accomplished by doing that. I did that once and filled out the Medicaid form. Did I do all that to no avail too? Will my Medicaid stop as soon as I leave PA, and I’ll have to fill out the forms all over again as soon as I go to WV?

I’m probably going to look on craigslist or somewhere and see if there is a small, short-term job that I can do for cash. That would help.

I am filled with toxic memories. I’ve been reading too many horrible things online, while feeling sick and hungry and depressed. I’m also in withdrawal from the one cup of coffee, which means I will be more depressed than usual. I feel the depression now, the desire for coffee-induced fake happiness.

It looks like they’re going to play that movie about the house of strange children, or whatever. I can’t remember the name of it. Mrs. Smith’s Home for Strange and Unusual Children, or something.

The voices have been reminding me repeatedly of pizzagate and things associated with it. I haven’t been able to work on my video game, because that requires a lot of mental energy and I can’t do that when I’m hungry. I can only do low energy passive activities, like reading, instead of thinking.

It was ‘Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children,’ and it was actually a REALLY good movie, my type of movie. The ‘Hollows’ were really terrifying. I’ve had two cups of coffee. I have pretty much no money at all, so I won’t be able to keep buying coffee for my addiction after this. I’m getting it for free.

Now ‘Robin Hood’ is on. The cartoon, with the fox. There has been a fox that runs thrugh the woods barking every night, ‘ark-ark-ark! ark-ark-ark!’ in groups of three. I suspect that its mate was killed by the bobcat, and that’s whose guts were strewn across the path. I think the fox is calling for its mate and that is why it goes up and down the path barking every night. I am so sorry for the fox. I’m not certain that this is true, it’s only my theory. The animal that was killed seemed to be a medium sized animal, not small.

Being here, surrounded by people, watching a movie, and drinking coffee – I am more cheerful than I’ve been in days. I’ve been lonely since I put Jacob over at Mike and Chris’s house.

I totally get that fox furries fetish after watching this movie. Robin Hood is really cute. But real foxes are also really cute. He probably is part of what inspired my cartoons of Luke the Afghan hound when I was a teenager.

Anyway I definitely miss Jacob when I am sleeping in the tent.

I can overhear some interesting conversations that other people are having, yet I can’t participate in them – they’re not the type of conversations that I can contribute to. They’re talking about how Robin Hood is a legend that might have been based on fact.

I’m not sure if I’m going to stay here and watch this entire movie, but I don’t have anywhere else to go other than home or to someplace to sit and use the computer. I can’t really focus enough to do anything here because there’s a lot of conversation going on everywhere.

I could try again to work on the computer game. I got stuck again. I was trying to program a global mouseclick – I had to use the global one for a reason – but several of the actions that I told it to do were contradicting and interfering with each other, and I could not figure out why. Then, the last few remaining bits of my life fell completely apart, and I haven’t tried to work on the game since then, for the past week or two.

Tomorrow, 6:30 pm – snacks, film at 7: The Song of Bernadette. I need to google it. I might as well have something to do tomorrow, and there are free snacks.

Well, people are starting to leave now. This movie is really cute. I think it’s ISFP. But if everyone else is leaving I don’t want to be the only person sitting here trying to watch the movie. I don’t know how long I’m allowed to hang out.

The guy who was running the movie shut it down before the end. Then he put the laptop on a table, instead of connected to the projector, in front of Ray, a little old man who has long dreadlocks and who I suspect might be an ISTP, or possibly an INTP. I’ve known him for a few years. I sat next to him and tried to watch the rest of it, but everybody left and the people decided to shut it down and take the laptop. Ray said, ‘But it’s almost the end,’ but I was too timid to protest, and I stood up obediently and prepared to leave. I should have said ‘Yeah! Just give us another minute!’ So I hugged Ray goodnight and said it was good to see him and I wasn’t working at Kaarma anymore, where I had been seeing him frequently. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I might be leaving town in a couple weeks. I just have too much of a burden on me to keep telling people that.

So I left when all the people of Nottingham were in prison, and it was gray and rainy, just like it is outside today, right now, in the real world – everyone is still stuck in prison, the heroic Robin Hood hasn’t freed us, and nobody is happy in Nottingham.

I had two cups of coffee for free. I can’t buy any more to continue my habit unless I get money somehow. That’s my excuse. I keep telling myself I’m in no danger of becoming addicted again because I don’t have any money. But in reality, it’s all too easy to get free coffee somewhere whenever you want it, you just have to know where to go.

I went to the HUB instead of the laundromat. There are lots of students here, people in groups, sitting around in circles, talking loudly – it looks so happy. I walked past those groups to a quieter area. I wish I could be one of them. I almost never go on campus, but I had the idea to start coming here to the HUB whenever I learned that the laundromat was going to shut down in March. However, it doesn’t matter anymore – I’m leaving town.

‘Come back when you’re wealthy and powerful.’

Why do the police cars just sit there in front of the HUB for no reason? Are they sitting there constantly or were they just here temporarily? That kind of scares me. It makes me think there might be a shooter or something. This would be a really good place for a shooter. There’s no security scan or anything when you come in here – you don’t have to walk through an x-ray or a metal detector. It just really seemed weird that there would be police cars sitting in front of the building permanently for no reason when nothing was going on. What are they expecting? Another creepy clown sighting, maybe?

I’m going to lunch with Kat the INTP from Kaarma/Maki Yaki on Saturday. She said she’ll pay for it. I swear I just saw Kathleen Arrington, another INTP, who I knew many years ago who was my brother’s friend, a girl who I temporarily lived in a house with, the one on Whitehall Road. I was in the attic, with slanted ceilings. The Asian guy went into my room and woke me up and offered to give me a massage. I should have said yes. Asians don’t have STDs. However, I said no thank you.

I’m really, really, really racist now. I’ve been having very negative emotions every time I see black men. It was always just neutral / slightly negative before now.

The lady on the phone told me that they do free STD testing the first and third Thursday every month, so I have to wait till next Thursday. Will I be able to get antibiotics? I sort of wanted to go ask somebody or call somebody today, but I can’t run too many errands at once, and I stayed a long time watching the movies.

Oh, I was right about the food. It was inedible. I could barely take a few bites. One particular thing tasted like vomit, and when the guy came around to our table to collect my plate, and I told him I would still be a few more minutes eating it, and he could see that I was, probably, struggling to finish it, the voices in my head suddenly said, ‘It tastes like vomit.’ Apparently some other people felt the same way I did. I don’t know what ingredient they added that made it taste that way, but it was exactly like vomit. It was a ‘Reuben Casserole.’ It was like a Reuben sandwich, with everything, the corned beef, sauerkraut, and rye bread, with some kind of sauce mixed in, and apparently this was the sauce that tasted just like vomit. But it wasn’t just the taste of it that was bad, it had a funny texture too, sort of too crumbly, too old, like it was rotten and decaying and way expired past its expiration date, which would be the reason why it was donated to the church for the community cafe.

‘Forge-he-he-heeeehheeehheeeht, forgeheheeeeeheeeheeeehhht…’ There’s no way to write that out phonetically. It’s Marina and the Diamonds. She has a dark side and a light side. She’s not really being herself, but is instead a slave, a mind control slave, forced to work and forced to perform, to be someone she’s not. I saw the same theme of a woman with a dark side and a light side in another one of my songs saved on youtube, ‘Stay With Me,’ by Shakespeare Sisters or
Shakespeare’s Sister or whatever. A dark evil lady seducing him from the dream world, and a lady who is cleaner and more wholesome trying to call him back to the real world.

‘Forget’ is about forgetting who you used to be, forgetting the pain that you feel as a slave, forgetting that it’s possible to be anything but a slave, a performer.

God, this place would be a good place for a shooter. That actually makes me feel somewhat nervous and paranoid now. Why am I in this strange mood? I’ve been feeling that things are changing, that things are being forced to change, that I am being forced to leave, that my fate is changing. These people here at the HUB don’t feel like douchebags. Usually, almost everyone in this town feels like a douchebag. These people don’t seem so bad. Is it the coffee, making me cheerful? No, I’m not threatening to BE the shooter – it was a vision or a fear or a sense that it was possible for this to happen here. I haven’t even shot a squirrel yet, although I plan to someday do so.

Why, why do I have this very, very ominous feeling of anticipation here, that something terrible is about to happen, some terrible tragedy, specifically a shooter? This is unusual. I’m wondering if it really is the coffee or something in the food that I’m having a reaction to. It feels so real. I can almost see it. I can almost hear it. These look like nice people, not douchebags. They’re not all drunk and they’re not all wearing slutty clothes and high heels. They’re studying, talking, socializing, sitting, reading, doing homework, being comfortable, being with people but not being obnoxious. This seems like a happy place. I would have wanted to come here more often. I would have wanted to hang out here. I would have wanted to somehow meet people here, maybe cross paths with my socionic dual. Maybe there would be luck, fate, or a puppet incident. Not now, though. Not while I am… infected. I have to wait to get the antibiotics. It is horribly disgusting. Stefan, Stefan…. you just wanna cuddle.

Ugh, I don’t need to sicken myself again with that memory.

I’ve had coffee and it will be quite a while before I go to sleep.

So, the church food is DONATED, and I have a feeling that’s why it’s bad quality, which is why I can barely choke down a few bites of anything no matter how hungry I am when I go there. When food is bad quality, I literally cannot swallow it. My mouth and throat detect its rottenness somehow, I don’t know how, and the muscles refuse to help me swallow it – it sticks in my throat.

Joseph, from Maki Yaki – I couldn’t say goodbye to him, and certainly not now when I am unclean. Kat told me they all talked about me one night, about how I was de-scheduled and how I was going to WV to be with Mom.

I don’t know that Mom is gonna die. I’m hoping that she will live into the hundreds. Magic Mom is still needed in this world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: