If any black people are reading my blog, you don’t want to read this one. This is one giant load of hate speech.

I’m at the laundromat right now. I made it out of hibernation, got dressed, and walked through the snow to get here. I actually crawled through some bushes in the woods and made it inconvenient for anybody to follow my footprints in the snow.

I have phone calls to make and errands to run, but I’m not ready to do them just yet. I have to rant.

I discovered that I have those little oranges, lots of them, still left – I had forgotten them, but they are rock hard frozen. So I thawed out two of them by keeping them in my sleeping bag with me for a few hours, and now I’m eating them. They have a funny half-frozen texture but they are edible.

Okay, about black people.

Stefan is black. I didn’t mention that. Stefan is actually a person who I find very physically unattractive. I don’t tend to feel attracted to black men in general, with a few exceptions, but he also has a beer gut and is just semi-pudgy overall (I’m one to talk, now that I’m struggling to troubleshoot this layer of fat that won’t go away) and has a shaved head. I have sometimes been with people who had a beer belly but they had other attributes that made them attractive somehow. I’m not here to complain about beer bellies, I’m here to complain about black people.

I’m a little bit nauseated at the moment, and when I think back to the day when I had sex with Stefan, I feel even more nauseated by the memory. I’ve been reading about STIs (I’m so used to calling them STDs (diseases), but they call them ‘infections’ now, perhaps to be politically correct, or perhaps because people can be infected but not show any signs of ‘disease.’ And the STI that I have, whatever it is, is associated with black people. Why do black people get STIs?

Because the stereotypes are true. I have tried, my whole life, to accept black people and not be a racist, but their real-world behavior confirms the stereotypes. If there is a moving object in their vicinity, they have to fuck it. It doesn’t matter if it’s clean or dirty, it doesn’t matter if it smells like death and is leaking fluids all over because it has gonorrhea and chlamydia, all that matters is there is a moving object nearby that has a hole in it that has to be fucked. They will fuck an obese paraplegic leper with AIDS, as long as it has a hole in it somewhere. I am really, really angry at black people right now and angry at Stefan.

Meanwhile, I am eating less food (although still not entirely going without food, just not the comfort foods that I want) and so I am going to be irritable for that reason. I have to run all these errands and make these phone calls when I’m irritable and hungry.

I just wanted to convey this experience, this awareness, this understanding, that black people REALLY CAN’T resist the impulse to fuck anything that moves in their vicinity. White guys don’t treat me this way. But a black guy will *instantly* and directly start asking for sex. He doesn’t even know me, he’s seen me maybe twice, he excused himself by saying ‘I thought you were Chris’s girlfriend,’ as though this was in the past tense (and as if he didn’t think so anymore, so sex with me would be okay), and I kind of waffled and was like, ‘Well, ehh, kind of, not really’ and couldn’t explain, because I wasn’t sure what Chris was going to do at that point.

I have this lingering nausea and disgust, which is part of my sickness, my disease, right now, combined with hunger. The disgust is connected to memories of this experience and my dislike of black people in general. I won’t always be in this bad of a mood. It’s just that I feel I need to convey something which is hard to express.

I just remember waking up and hearing some kinds of noises that suggested Stefan was starting to masturbate over on the couch. This is the very first stupid thing that he did. If a white guy were sleeping on the couch while I was in the same room sleeping on a chair nearby, the white guy would not be openly masturbating in the same room with a strange woman he barely knows and doesn’t have a solid relationship with. At most, he might go into the bathroom for a while and do it in there. But no, Stefan had to start it right up while in the same room with me.

After a while I was waking up and moving around and Stefan was talking to me, but he still had his pants unzipped. Again, yet another annoying and disgusting thing that he did that just assumed, ‘Hey, it’s okay to be openly sexual with this person.’ Now granted, I am a nudist, but there is a difference between this situation versus being in a nudist colony where everyone is naked for long periods of time. In this context, where we are in a fully dressed society, it is not appropriate to be sitting there on the couch with your pants open because you were masturbating a minute ago before you started talking to me.

So the reason why I had to stay there, or rather chose to stay there, and not leave, was because I was waiting for a bus and it was extremely cold outside. The bus was going to be there in like half an hour. So I decided to wait indoors and endure the company of Stefan for half an hour. That is the reason why I stayed and did not leave. I could have left, and he did not physically restrain me, which is why I don’t call my reluctant sex ‘rape.’ I wasn’t forced, I was just inconvenienced. I didn’t want to go out in the cold, so I sat in the living room for a while with him and talked.

He wanted me to come over to the couch and sit by him, and at first I said no, but then sat there, and he said he ‘only wanted to cuddle,’ which was idiotic bullshit. I kept saying I didn’t want to do anything, I needed to leave, and I apologized, but he kept pressuring me. So I very reluctantly let him have sex with me, instead of getting up and going outside to stand at the bus stop for a long time in the cold.

Lo and behold, within a couple of days I have these horrible swollen lymph nodes, and I’m thinking it’s a hernia and I go to the emergency room. I find out it’s the lymph nodes (and the spleen, which he told me was also swollen, and several more lymph nodes). So I had to solve the mystery of why I have swollen lymph nodes, and the answer was obvious: an STD from Stefan.

Well, it took a couple more days before the horrible itching and the vomit-inducing foul odor began, but now, it is utterly unmistakable – I clearly and obviously have a DISEASE, and I won’t even just call it an ‘infection.’ It is a disease, it is disgusting, I’m angry about it, and now it’s one more thing on my list of things that I have to deal with.

I’m interested in herbal cures for STDs, but don’t have enough money to even buy an herbal medicine right now. I dumped some sage on myself last night, because sage powder was all that I had lying around. The sage at least improved the foul and disgusting odor.

So yeah, what I was going to say about black people was, they always wear too much perfume, and now I know the reason why. It’s because a huge percentage of them have STDs and are too fucking stupid to know they have them and get rid of them. They’re like, ‘Duhhh, my vagina smells like rotten meat. I guess I’ll spray a bunch of perfume all over it!’ And that’s the extent of their STD treatment. People say ‘black people smell bad.’ Well, now I know the reason. Rampant ubiquitous gonorrhea and chlamydia do, in fact, smell really bad.

I just can’t convey this feeling, this understanding that I have, this experience, where I *just know* that there is a lack of consciousness in there, in that brain. There is a lesser consciousness, an inferior consciousness, when Stefan is on the couch and he says ‘Come over here and sit beside me.’ I can’t explain how I know. It’s like, this type of thing happens SOONER, with less of a relationship between us yet, and it’s like there is no resistance, no hesitation, no consideration at all, no attempt whatsoever to avoid it or think about it or find some alternative to doing this. Nope, immediate sex with anything that moves is inevitable. LOOK: WOMAN. MUST FUCK WOMAN.

Oh yeah, and when I texted him later on to tell him that I think I’ve gotten an STD from him, his response was (paraphrasing): ‘Well, of course you got affections (sic: infections) – sleeping in all kinds of places and wearing the same clothes.’ Yeah, that’s how you get STDs – sleeping in your own tent, and wearing your own clothes, will give you gonorrhea and chlamydia and whatever that parasitic thing is. That’s how I got it. After years and years of camping in tents and wearing my own clothes repeatedly, without ever getting a single ‘affection’ by doing this, suddenly now, immediately after having sex with Stefan, by random coincidence, I just happened to get this vaginal ‘affection’ for the first time ever. Uh-huh. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with having sex.

I can’t explain how white men are different about sex. I can only say, there is hesitation, there is preparation, it takes longer, it doesn’t happen instantly the very first second that you desire it, it doesn’t happen right now just because you wake up horny and you’re masturbating with a strange woman you barely know in the same room with you. There are maybe *some* white men or ‘white trash’ who behave that way, but most of them do not. I can’t explain this, because there will always be counterexamples. There will always be someone who can say, ‘I know some white trash who are just as bad and/or worse than that.’ I know. I know this is true. I can only say that with black men, it is *always* there to some degree, whereas with white men, it’s only there in some of them, the worst of them.

I think that the reason why some of these infections are
‘asymptomatic’ for a percentage of people is because they are TOO FUCKING STUPID to observe that they have a symptom, observe that it is abnormal, and realize it is a disease instead of just ‘the way things are.’ My pussy ALWAYS smells like rotten meat and leaks snot like a firehose! It’s ALWAYS itchy and I have to buy anti-itch cream and perfume to make it stop smelling like rotten meat and stop itching and I have to wear adult diapers to stop it from soaking through my underwear all the way through the thick pants I’m wearing! This is all perfectly normal, so I won’t ever go to a doctor about it and tell them that I’m having symptoms, therefore I’m in the percentage of people who are ‘asymptomatic.’ No worries – my black boyfriend still thinks I’m smoking hot and he still fucks me every time I walk in the room!

I know ‘asymptomatic’ people really do exist, but a certain percentage of them are people who are too fucking stupid to notice they have symptoms.

I think I would probably find a lot of stupid white men if I were using dating websites, which is why I don’t even attempt to use them anymore. I’m probably being unfair to stupid black men. But even the websites where I’m reading about STDs say that being black is a risk factor. Just being black means you are more likely to have an STD.

I’ve got phone calls to make and places to go. If I can manage even one of these errands today it will be a huge achievement. I will do my best, filled with hate and nausea.

Clary sage treats conjunctivitis. Conjunctivitis is one of the complications of STDs. You can get the infection in your eyes. Clary sage, and regular sage, might have enough antibacterial effects to at least somewhat treat it, although it wouldn’t be able to cure it, because I would have to take internally a large enough dose that it would kill the bacteria inside my body, and I won’t do that – I would prefer some other herbal drug that was more effective. Almost all herbs say they have ‘antibacterial’ properties. Putting it directly on the itchy area seemed to be soothing. I would want some herb that was already known to be capable of specifically treating STDs.

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