I stepped off the wagon, but the wagon stopped and is waiting for me to climb back on.

I spent the last hour filling out an application for Medicaid. I used to have Medicaid, but it expired and I wasn’t able to fill out the forms and do what was necessary to keep it, so I had to apply again. I’m at the laundromat, of course.

I gathered up my last $1 bill and a handful of coins, and I bought a 24 ounce cup of coffee at the Snappy’s gas station. I don’t have much money left on my food stamps card, so I won’t be able to keep buying lots more cups of coffee – and instant coffee is so disgusting I don’t want to get it – so I won’t be able to continue this habit unless I do something to get more money on my food stamps card, which will require a conversation with my case worker, which requires a trip out to the office.

Coffee is cheap. It is my comfort food. It makes me lose my hunger. Since I had this cup of coffee, I feel less of a desire to eat other foods. It is an appetite suppressant. It actually isn’t doing much of anything miraculous for me, even though I’ve been off it for a few months. I just sipped it this whole time I was filling out this form, and the excuse was, I hate filling out forms. And I won’t be able to get any more coffee after this, so I will have to go into withdrawal, simply due to lack of money – unless I do something to get more money.

I noticed something that has been triggering extremely intense, unbearable, almost irresistible cravings for coffee. Do you know what it is? FRITOS CORN CHIPS. When I get organic corn chips, this doesn’t happen. Fritos have something addictive in them. I suspect it might be there unintentionally, and it might be nicotine, and the source of the nicotine is neonicotinoid pesticides. I’m not sure. I only know that when I eat Fritos, I get an extremely intense unbearable craving afterwards which goes on for hours and hours and hours, and is so unbearable I almost will get up from the tent and go out on a long walk to go get a cup of coffee, except I haven’t actually done that so far. It’s even worse if I eat salsa with the chips – salsa contains tomatoes, and I already know that tomatoes contain tomatine, a form of nicotine, so they are addictive and they trigger cravings for all the other drugs you’re addicted to – tomatoes are a gateway food.

I was able to finish filling out the form for Medicaid. That was the goal I accomplished today. I still have a bunch of errands and phone calls to do, but I will be able to do them tomorrow or in the next few days. I did this one big thing today.

Maybe it’s from several months of experience, but I feel that after this one cup of coffee, I will be able to withdraw again and not keep getting more coffee every day – partly because I just don’t have the money to do that, but partly also because of months of experience of life without coffee. It is possible to live without coffee – I’ve done it. I also had chocolate a couple of times, by accident or because it was a gift, and I didn’t fall off the wagon and start drinking coffee again as a result of eating these random occasional pieces of chocolate. I think it will be this way again with this big cup of coffee. I will go into withdrawal, I will get a headache, but over the next few days I will return to life without coffee.

It’s just that I’ve been hibernating. I have done nothing but sleep and sleep for days and days and days. There is nothing wrong with this if you have no urgent problems that need to be dealt with, but I have a whole bunch of urgent problems that have to be dealt with. This is all really just an excuse to drink coffee, I suppose.

So, the wagon stopped to let me off, and it’s sitting there waiting for me to get back on. I’m going to get

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