Denial: Of course, Mom’s magic Mom-Powers are gonna fix everything!

I had that reaction while talking to her on the phone today. I called to see what was going on. She said that she’d had her first meal of solid food in two months. I don’t know what she’s been drinking to stay alive all this time – I didn’t ask. She said that they did something to drain some fluid, and they did something else – I had asked her if they did surgery, or what. I guess after draining this fluid from somewhere she was supposed to be able to eat more easily because there was less blockage – that was what I gathered. She was all positive and optimistic about this. She said the meal was really small but you gotta start somewhere. She was burping while talking to me. You know, the kind of burps you do before you throw up. I have a feeling she probably threw up not long after that. She got off the phone because she said they had a visitor, but I’m wondering now if that’s really why she got off the phone.

But after I hung up, after hearing her positive attitude, I suddenly felt like Magic Mom Will Fix Everything. I know I grew up in a secure family. Not everyone has that. Some people grow up in a divorced family, and some people grow up in an adoptive family, or no family at all. I’m 42 years old and there is still some part of me that remembers an entire lifetime of knowing that no matter what goes wrong, Magic Mom will fix it, or if not her, then Magic Dad (although Dad tends to be more grouchy and reluctant about fixing everything). Magic Mom can beat cancer a second time and Magic Mom will die at the age of 115 in her sleep. (She had breast cancer after taking hormone supplements at menopause.)

I finally got out of bed, shortly before nightfall, and saw that there was a little bit of blue in the sky between the clouds. We’ve had nothing but clouds for many, many days, it seems. This made me feel even more cheerful and hopeful. Everything is going to be fine.

In reality, my brother and I talked on the phone for a long time last night, on one of my tracfones that still had a moderate number of minutes on it. We talked openly about the possible scenarios, about whether she might die instantly, or whether she might take a long time to die. Nothing really needs to be decided about the possibility that she might actually get better and live for a few more years. I don’t have any money, and I asked John if he could get me down there to visit. We haven’t worked out the details yet of how we will do it, but he said yes, he will.

My problem of not having any money: I haven’t completely run out yet, but when I do, there are a couple things I’m going to do. I will try to go to the food stamps place and talk to them about it. There are some churches around here – actually, one of them won’t be doing this again until the students come back – they do a community cafe where they just give away free food to anybody who comes in.

I’m not going back to work. I am just a teensy bit mad about this. I told Myro in a text message that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and I am going to go to WV really soon, so she said, ‘Oh, I can’t schedule you if you might have to leave all of a sudden,’ or something like that. So she just refused to let me work at all, even for a day or two. Okay then! I guess that’s how it is!

I might go to Burger King and tell them what’s going on and ask them if I can wash dishes or something in exchange for food for a couple days. I really only need one solid meal a day, especially if I just stay in bed and sleep in the tent.

The thing that I’m not quite sure about is that I might be staying in WV for a while, as in, long enough that I’m going to take down my tent and take my belongings with me. This means that I won’t even get to see Jesse when he comes home in February. That bothers me. I already told him what’s going on, so he knows.

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