The therapist must assume the client has a good reason for things; troubleshooting my own code like I’m a video game

3:42 AM 1/2/2017

It’s been another sleepless night. I’m sleeping in the daytime and then lying awake almost the whole night long. I noticed that the sky is pink and glowing at 3am. Why is it pink and glowing? Do we have a full moon behind all those clouds? If not, where is all that light pollution coming from?

I was thinking of what I need someone to do for me. The person has to ask me why I’m doing what I’m doing. However, it’s their chosen assumptions that have the biggest impact. They have to assume from the beginning that I must have very good, respectable, competent, intelligent reasons for why I am doing what I am doing.

Everyone else is assuming that I am an idiot who’s making a mistake; that I don’t know what I’m doing; that I have no reasons for doing what I’m doing and I just happen to randomly be here without a cause; that I’m not intelligent enough to decide on my own what to do, so they have to command me. And all along, not once has anybody asked me what my reasons are, and not only that, it’s not something that can be explained in one sentence or less. You have to ask, and ask, and ask, and ask, and ask, thousands of questions, perhaps going all the way back to my childhood.

It might not go that far back. But I was thinking of it as the code of GameMaker. I annotate the code, because after a couple days go by, I have no memory of why I wrote that code or what it’s doing. It’s like somebody else wrote it. I was thinking, ‘But of course I already know my own reasons for doing everything! That’s what I write about in my blog every day! Why would I need somebody else to ask me what all my reasons are as though I don’t know them?’

It’s exactly like the annotated code. Maybe a few days, weeks, or years have gone by since that code was written. Maybe you’ve forgotten your original reason why you decided to do something. You had a good reason at the time, back then. The questioner assumes that the person had a GOOD REASON because they are a COMPETENT, INTELLIGENT PERSON who doesn’t just go around doing stupid things at random and blindly making mistakes that require other people to come in and command them what to do. You assume there was a good reason once, but you’ve forgotten it, and maybe it’s no longer applicable to the recent things going on, and it’s causing contradictions in the code. You told yourself to do X, but more recently, something else happened that made you tell yourself to do Not X or The Opposite of X or some alternative to X that requires you to go about it all a whole different way.

This is more than just logical contradictions that I’m looking for. I’m looking for something more vague, like ‘Why are you investing your energy in XYZ instead of ABC?’ There are many choices that I could invest my energy into, and for some reason, the ‘weight’ of this particular choice seemed heavier than the weight of some other choice.

But whoever would ask me these things, they would have to be EXTREMELY PATIENT, because there are tons and tons and tons of details and nuances that need to be brought out. It cannot be fixed merely by asking one key question and receiving one quick answer that sums it all up. It requires a ‘But why…. but then, what about x? … but why this then?…. but what happened before that?’ This person would have to assume, all along, like this constant guiding star, that I am a competent, intelligent person who doesn’t do stupid things for no reason, but rather, I have a reason, or I had a reason, and I forgot what it was.

I have reasons why I’m camping. I have reasons why I’m not in school, community college, or the vo-tech school. I have reasons why I’m not married. I have reasons why I’m not using the dating website. I have reasons why I’m not going after this or that guy who could possibly be a better boyfriend than the one I have now. I have reasons why I don’t have children even though I really want children. I have reasons why I’m throwing away all my belongings all the time and spending huge amounts of money to buy new ones, reasons why I can’t save any money.

There are also things that happen which are outside my control and which result from malicious forces attacking my life. Whoever asks me these questions must also understand what those malicious evil forces are doing to me. I am being relentlessly attacked, nonstop, over a period of decades, and this has no small impact on my life decisions and why I’m doing what I’m doing.

It’s impossible to assume that malicious evil has a good reason for doing the things that it does. There is a line you draw where you stop assuming that somebody is an intelligent, competent person with a good reason for why they are doing what they are doing. Evil is evil. Evil is stupid, evil is incompetent, evil does random things for no reason.

I know it because the voices in my head are evil, and they never stop doing what they are doing – they never stop attacking, and there is no good reason, and if you question them, they will attack even more loudly with nonsense and gibberish that has no meaning and cannot be interpreted. I’m talking about the robots that scream noise in my head while I’m trying to think – they were worse than usual today. I barely get to think a thought, and as soon as I’ve barely even started having an insight, my brain is totally wiped blank by a frequency attack filled with screaming high-pitched automated robot voices saying gibberish that has no meaning, repetitive gibberish that has no insight and has been said a million times before, pre-recorded phrases in a high, shrill, loud voice that drowns out all thought. This behavior cannot be questioned in a positive way.

I want someone who will assume there is a distinction between me and my attackers. People who tolerate discussions of the voices in a person’s head usually pretend that the voices are coming from the subconscious mind of the victim, and therefore they contain some kind of inner wisdom that we have to listen to, and they are just another part of ourselves. That’s the same thing I used to believe 20 years ago. I was naive. These are external attackers whose ‘wisdom’ is actually nothing but shrewdness at how to be as evil as possible, as effectively as possible, and how to cause as much destruction as possible with great efficiency. That is their ‘wisdom.’

I want someone who will assume that every time a voice in my head says something, it means that *I*, the real me, has been silenced. So you have to ignore the voice and press on to find out what the REAL ME would have said if I weren’t being constantly interrupted by soul murderers. I want someone who understands that the things I say are not necessarily always coming from the real me, and that we may need to question them. At the same time, there are things that I’ve integrated that I want to do, and the therapist will usually assume from the beginning that those things are ‘bad’ for me and that this behavior needs to be fixed (I’m thinking of the example of choosing not to shave – the overwhelming majority of people will say that my decision not to shave my mustache is harming me and that my whole life would be better if I would make myself look normal.). So I need someone who can tolerate those things and who is open-minded enough to imagine that maybe doing those kinds of things differently is not a mistake that needs to be corrected or a self-destructive behavior that I need to be convinced to stop doing.

In fact, my whole life is like that. I’m camping in a tent. I need someone open-minded enough to assume that maybe, just maybe, camping in a tent is not an inherently bad way to live and it needs to be fixed. If only they would assume that, then we can go on to talk about the things I really want, like, for instance, how nice it would be if I owned my own land and could do what I wanted with it, instead of worrying about hiding everything because I’m camping in a park. There are ways I can buy my own land – for instance, at a ‘tax sale,’ where you can get cheap land that somebody else lost because they couldn’t pay the taxes on it for some reason. There are ways to do the things I want to do.

And if I would do such a thing, I would need to discuss my thoughts and beliefs about ownership of land, because I would feel some doubts about what I was doing. I would also have doubts of my ability to pay off the loan while being constantly attacked nonstop by malicious forces that want to totally destroy my entire life until the day I die. How long can I keep a job and pay these loans when somebody is knocking down everything I build, every couple years, shattering everything to the ground and forcing me to start all over from nothing? I’ll surely be forced to lose my job a dozen times, or forced to get horribly contaminated, or something unexpected will happen that has never happened before.

My fingers are too cold to keep writing so I will do this later.

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