damn hernia is still there

I noticed it again last night when I got home. It is unusual compared to some of the ones I’m looking at on youtube – it doesn’t just push right back down easily, and it’s hard to tell exactly where it is and where it’s coming from. I’m doing a lot of research now to find out what my options are. I wish it was a straightforward inguinal hernia that just pushes right back in, because they have ‘old-fashioned’ truss belts for those, but the web page I’m reading said:

“A truss is old-fashioned now. It is a belt with a pad that presses on the hernia defect to block the opening and stop the hernia popping out. They never work well and carry the risk of unpleasant
side-effects. They were popular when surgery was complex, dangerous and had a universally poor success rate.”

“THEY CARRY THE RISK OF UNPLEASANT SIDE EFFECTS.” Such as??? A BELT that you can put on and take off has ‘unpleasant side effects?’ The only thing it could possibly do is cut off circulation if you have it on too tightly, in which case, you loosen it. You mean, surgery DOESN’T carry the risk of unpleasant side effects???? And what’s this about a time in the ancient, distant past, back in the day when surgery was complex, dangerous, and had a universally poor success rate? You mean, we’re not living in such times anymore????

My concern is that the hernia could be coming through the femoral region instead of the inguinal, and then maybe wrapping backwards up over the ligament so that it appears to be an inguinal hernia when it really isn’t. I can feel fatty tissue around the area in such a way that it’s hard to tell exactly where it’s coming from.

I need someone to palpate it, so I am going to make an appointment with CVIM, Centre Volunteers In Medicine, and talk to them about what my options are. I just need some help understanding EXACTLY where the origin of the hernia is. If I misunderstand it, then everything I do could be the worst possible thing to do – if you palpate it in the wrong direction you’re making it worse. I swear the one time I was able to move it leftwards and make it go away, but today, it’s not so easy to do that again, and it wasn’t easy the first time. I am not absolutely 100% confident that I understand the exact location and origin and direction of this hernia. It is unusual.

The weird sex position that I did is probably what caused it to begin. Okay, I have to describe this. I have done doggy style sex before, but this was not exactly that. He was on top of me from behind, while I was lying on my belly, but my legs were not spread apart, they were together. I was holding myself up with my arms, so my back was slightly arched. Then, after a minute of doing that, I went into the regular doggy style position on my knees. The first position was unusual and I have never done that exact specific thing before. Pressing into the vagina with a penis from behind probably pushed my intestines into a particular place, while my legs were in a straight position and my abdomen was sort of bulging out because my back was arched. I really suspect this is what started it all, even though I also dropped the bike while lifting it up over the stone wall to push it up the hill into the woods shortly before the most noticeable symptoms started.

Now I’M REALLY MAD AT MYSELF AND AT STEFAN for having sex – Stefan for not taking a weak, reluctant ‘no’ for an answer and being pushy, me for being wishy-washy and not being decisive enough – there was some tiny fragment of me that thought sex would be okay or at least no big deal, or at least tolerable. I should have just said absolutely no. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

This is kind of what I mean when I say that the last couple weeks have been a pile of shit on top of a bigger pile of shit. It started with the police, but actually, it started when I talked about pizzagate and posted the link to an article about it, and it almost seemed as though somebody decided to punish me with ‘retaliatory disclosure’ – oh, if you want to disclose pizzagate, then I’ll disclose the location of your tent to everyone.

So the police came and slashed the tent and terrorized Jacob; I had a puppet incident of meeting Chris at Weis Market and telling him about how I needed a place to put Jacob; Chris turned out to be crazier than I anticipated and on lots of meds with very bad side effects (I haven’t talked to him today and I wonder how he’s doing with his withdrawal from Abilify and Prozac – he can’t possibly be having absolutely no withdrawal whatsoever); I lost a bunch of money to him and then had the debit card theft which I *assume* was him; I cashed a check I shouldn’t have and really upset Mike; I had sex with a guy who I never would have encountered in the first place, and never would have slept in the same room with overnight, if I hadn’t been going over to Chris’s house! I don’t go to parties and I don’t have casual sex with random people. And then suddenly I have this hernia, right after having sex in a weird position that feels like it caused the hernia, when I tried to re-create the position and then see what it did to the hernia.

That herbal tea I drank yesterday – it was a substitute for coffee, but, I am not going to start drinking herbal tea all the time, because it still has side effects and withdrawal effects. It had chamomile in it, and I noticed mood swings with chamomile and other herbal teas. I had this very bad, dark, depressed mood today with feelings of hopelessness, worse than my usual moods and worse than the situation warranted (I know I’ve had a bad couple of weeks, worse than usual), and it felt like it was the herbal tea withdrawal, so I won’t be drinking herbal tea all the time. I also have been making a lot of typos while I write this, another herbal tea effect. I actually feel *almost* back to my usual level of cheerfulness right now, but not quite – there is definitely a lot of stress hanging over me.

AND, Aunt Jeannie skipped our Christmas dinner because she had heart problems and went to the hospital. And Mom has a shoulder injury and is in a lot of pain and she wasn’t very excited about the idea of having me visit at that moment, but I had no money to rent a car anyway. And she put her cat Sammy to sleep right around Thanksgiving.

The only good thing I can say about these weeks is that I am persistently and consistently learning and studying something, and that when I eat sage and rosemary, it does actually help me to concentrate on that project. It doesn’t lead directly to ‘getting rich quick,’ and game making is not necessarily ever going to earn me any money at all, in an age where everybody everywhere is able to make games extremely cheaply and there is tons and tons and tons of competition, so many games that when I scroll through the list of things available on Steam, the list just never ends and there are thousands of games I’ve never seen before – how would I even make a game that would ever even show up in that list and be heard above all the noise? And yet, working on this project feels good to me. I frustrate myself. If only I could jump into something that would actually earn a lot of money for me, and enjoy doing it, and do it persistently.

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