reluctantly cheerful in spite of dread; the bank is sending the money back to his parents

9:05 AM 12/30/2016

I’m in town, I washed my hair but didn’t get clean clothes on, and my clothes are *really* dirty, as in, they smell a lot. I’m not looking forward to sitting down in the bank in an enclosed area surrounded by people who are going to judge me by the way I smell. I actually hurried out of the tent partly because a nearby tree was creaking ominously at that moment. It looks very thick, solid, and alive – usually, the ones to worry about are the dead ones that are already rotten and have all the bark ripped off – they get soggy when it rains and then they break. This healthy tree is probably not going to fall, but I got paranoid. But, that was why I didn’t bother searching through all my piles of junk to find cleaner clothes.

I’m reluctantly feeling more cheerful in spite of dread and anxiety. I have dread about this bank thing. Technically, I could be accused of aiding and abetting a thief, although it was unintentional. But some people jump to conclusions. I really, truly, didn’t quite understand that depositing this check was a dumb thing to do, although, after I slept on it, I called the bank the next morning because I had decided it would indeed be a problem. I feel like I didn’t do anything really bad, but I can’t predict how other people are going to react when they hear the scattered bits and pieces of the story without really understanding.

Mike was saying he might want to call the police on Chris because he had stolen other things besides this. I really, really, really don’t want him to call the police. Once the police get involved, things get crazy and much worse. For instance, remember when that ‘concerned citizen’ called the police because they were ‘concerned’ about me camping in the woods? And then, those concerned police helped me out by slicing holes in my tent and terrorizing my cat? That’s typical of the chain of events that begins when you call the police. They frequently punish everybody involved in something even though some people are much less guilty than other people – just throw ’em ALL in jail! Who cares!

I asked a simple question on the yoyogames forum (GameMaker), and already some hacker is trying to get into my computer, or they already have. It’s just because I’m female and I openly had a female username. They’re hoping to find out that I’m a gorgeous female with gorgeous photos on my computer. They will find out that I am an unusual female with photos that are not necessarily gorgeous, especially the ones where I photographed the recently added
intractable and annoying belly fat. I’m still in denial and hoping that belly fat will vanish whenever I start cooking at home and eating real foods made from scratch again. I have more urgent worries on my mind. I just tried to do a google search and got some weird message that it wanted me to download something for maps. It’s never done that before even when I have looked up something that had a map result, so I’m thinking this was a hack.

I really want to try some of these essential oils at McClanahans, where I am sitting now. They have clary sage, not regular sage, and it’s $26, while others are, like, $5. They also have one labeled ‘for thievery.’ Interesting! You mean, to help make your thievery more effective, or to help break the habit of thievery? It contained clove oil. I wonder what clove oil does then? Does it cause people to experience sensations of guilt and regret, perhaps? That would connect to thievery. Shame, guilt, regret, or perhaps, forethought, or consideration of others, or empathy – something that would make a thief reconsider.

I guess I have to go look for Mike.

Okay, I went and found Mike and we went to the bank. After we left the bank, after talking to him – and I didn’t give him any money yet – and we couldn’t get the check because it actually went through – I didn’t know that the bank was allowing them to process the check – I thought it was blocked. Mike is upset an angry, and as we were walking down the sidewalk, before he got on the bus, he was saying, ‘I just don’t understand WHY you would even cash that check. It makes no sense to me!’

I don’t have an answer and I can’t make his emotions go away. There’s no way that I can say the right thing to make him feel better. I can give him $100, which is what I’m going to do, I guess, but the bank is going to call me back and tell me if maybe it’s possible to reverse the check and un-deposit it or something. I don’t know, maybe they just feel like they have to try to help because they allowed the check to go through. I had misunderstood – I had always thought that the check never went through. They had a hold on the funds, which means that I actually have $100 more than I think I do, which is a good thing actually because at least it’s there so that I can give it back to him.

Now that I’ve walked away and let Mike go home, I might go back to the bank and tell them, never mind, I will just get him $100 and they can release the hold on the funds. I just had to think about it for a minute. I just had to let it sink in so I could understand. I think the lady felt really ashamed because Mike was there and he seemed irritated. We all got screwed by this, and I’m not the only one who’s guilty – the bank people feel guilty now because they allowed it to go through. I could see it, I could feel it, the lady who helped us felt guilty too. This is all extremely painful.

And I ran into Chris yesterday on the sidewalk – probably a scripted puppet incident – I was on my way to pick up the mail. He was with another friend, and they were getting something at the liquor store and going to the friend’s house. I did give him a hug, and he was cheerful and said he had stopped taking his Prozac and his Abilify. That worried me, and I asked him if he was going into withdrawal, and how long it had been, and he said it was a week, but no withdrawal symptoms. I don’t believe him. I think he is having, and will have, withdrawal, and I’m concerned about it. He was avoiding the nurse, Mike said. Mike also said that he didn’t *have to* participate in ‘the program,’ which I assume means the drugging program. I had thought he HAD TO as a condition of receiving disability money.

I should go talk to the bank again and just withdraw $100, although maybe, if the bank reverses it, that will be more trustworthy – it will go back to his parents’ checking account and be deposited to them, since I myself am not considered trustworthy – I might withdraw $100 and not really go give it to him. I might just be pretending to try to resolve all this. Maybe the bank will feel better if they try to rectify their portion of the mistake. Maybe they need to try to feel better.

I just hope he doesn’t call the police on Chris.

He said he’s stopped taking those two meds, but he’s still taking Adderall, which they only started him on just recently – he said it gives him more energy, and now that he stopped the other two, he isn’t exhausted anymore – it made him do nothing but sleep unless he took cocaine.

The bank lady is an ESFJ. She sounds like Christy from McDonald’s. She said the best course of action is to have the bank return the money to his parents’ account, because if I just give him $100 like I was thinking, his parents are still able to demand the money back from me for the next three years, based on the fact that the check didn’t go to the person it was endorsed to, so then, I would have to lose another $100. She also urged me to talk to Chris and try to get the $100 from him, but I’m not really into that idea. It’s weird, I don’t think I can fight that battle. I was just assuming that $100 was lost and I wasn’t going to get it back. I just was protecting myself against any future losses by not doing it again. It seems like $100 isn’t really enough to fight a battle over, although, if I run out of money and food in the next couple weeks, maybe I should go to Chris and ask him if he can give me any money for food.

I should go to the food stamps people and talk to them about the fact that my card isn’t working properly, but… I just can’t. Not now…

Interesting that bank employees are Alpha SFs sometimes. I was talking to another one the other day who seemed like an ISFP. I always thought they were all ISFJs. There are probably a few of those there too.

Maybe I should give him the $100, AND ALSO let them take the $100 out of my account, so he’ll get $200 out of the deal for his pain and suffering.

It makes sense, I can see why the bank wants to do it. It’s more trustworthy and it guarantees that the money is going to go to the people it belongs to – the bank is overseeing the fact that it goes there to them. And the bank wants to make up for the error.

I had been feeling somewhat cheerful this morning when I saw a little bit of blue sky and a little bit of sunlight, although there are still a lot of clouds. I washed my hair for this. I went to the laundromat and used their sink before going to the bank, just so that I could *slightly* look a tiny bit cleaner. It made me feel better to wash my hair.

I do suspect I have a hernia. I have been pushing on the strange lump that was at the crease of my leg below the abdomen. I should look at a picture of the internal anatomy and see if that’s a place where hernias occur. I can’t push it back into place, but also, I want to be careful about it and I want to know what I’m doing. I don’t like the idea of possibly having a part of my intestines or some other internal stuff pinched in between the muscles – it means they’re not getting enough circulation. I haven’t checked on it this morning to see if it’s still there. I’m just doing ‘watchful waiting.’

I’m up too early and don’t know what to do today. I’m going with Steve later on, but that’s a couple hours from now.

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