it didn’t progress; also a note is burning a hole in my pocket again

I didn’t get any sicker. I don’t know what gave me the horrible diarrhea. I’m still kind of afraid to eat and only took a couple bites of food today.

Okay. I will try to write what happened today, although it’s kind of hard to concentrate because I still don’t really feel well. I went in and not long after I got there, Mike was going to do something with the big bucket of soup stock, which has a nozzle at the bottom for pouring it out. He tried to lift or move the bucket – I wasn’t really looking and didn’t see exactly what he tried to do – and when it moved, the nozzle just shot off and boiling hot stock started pouring out all over the floor. Some of it poured onto his foot and burned his toes badly. It poured everywhere and made a big mess, but since it was just like water it wasn’t that hard to mop up. But then, he was walking around without his shoe on, limping, for a while, and finally left to go home.

So we were missing Mike. Oscar also called off sick, and I thought somebody said he was throwing up, but then later I heard someone say he had strep throat, so I might have misheard. Rich tried to call off sick too. Everyone there has been sick on and off for many days now. He probably had the same cold they did. It causes bad fatigue as one symptom. I had it too but didn’t realize I had a cold because I didn’t entirely get sick. I just had the fatigue for a day or two. That was last week before my period and I said I felt like I was coming down with some kind of disease, but nothing ever came of it.

They called Rich to come in anyway, and he did, with red puffy eyes and a miserable look. He was asking for the Dayquil. I tried to help him find it but I didn’t know where it was and I asked Myro. She said if he wants it, he will have to ask her directly. Finally he did ask her and I thought she was going to give it to him, and then Dave interrupted and told him where it was, and I thought everything was okay at that point.

But basically everything he said to Myro (Mike had left, so it was only Myro and Dave) ended up going horribly wrong. I didn’t hear all of this, I only know that it ended with shouting. ‘I come in when I’m sick and you do this to me? No! That’s bullshit! Screw you!’ Something along those lines. Myro had actually been saying she was going to send him back home again, and I think that might be what he reacted to, but I’m not sure. Then I heard Dave shout, ‘STOP!’ I later learned that Rich had raised a fist as if to hit Myro, from what Dave said. I didn’t see it myself so I cannot describe it. After that he ended up leaving again.

Myro is his socionic supervisor (ESTJ to ISFP), and Dave is his conflictor (ENTJ). It could not possibly have been a worse
combination of people to have fighting with him when he was very sick and in a bad mood and possibly on cold medicine. It was, once again, the judgers against the perceivers. I’m always saying this same thing again: I have friends and family who I love who are judgers (all of them in my own socionic quadra), and I have not-so-bad relations with the two neighboring quadras, and the most difficult relation with the opposite quadra – all of that – I’m not saying I hate all judgers. I’m only saying that in the workplace, all of the major conflicts that I see, with only a few small exceptions, are between the judgers and the perceivers, and that I desire a workplace of all perceivers, to see what it’s like in a place where there are no bosses.

The judgers invariably seek and gain power in the workplace – all bosses are judgers, with few exceptions – it’s always unusual to find bosses who are perceivers. They exist but they are a minority. So, they basically get to decide who lives and who dies, because they own the land – the corporation, that is – and the judgers are the voices of the corporation because they are the managers. They always like other judgers more than they like perceivers, so judgers always do much better in the workplace, rise to higher positions of power, and get paid more. The perceivers are the low level slaves who get bossed around and told what to do and don’t get paid as much. Basically, perceivers are at a big disadvantage in society because of land ownership and corporations all being controlled by judgers who don’t like perceivers and don’t like the entire way that the perceiver mind works and how we function in the workplace.

I am just curious to see a workplace where decisions get made more slowly, by perceivers who make them because if they don’t, nobody else will. Perceivers are capable of making decisions, more slowly, so the workplace will have a totally different feel to the way it is run. If nobody else steps up to make a decision, if a judger doesn’t step up to do it, then a perceiver will do whatever needs to be done. Judgers just always jump in first to make a decision because they are faster; however, they don’t understand things that are happening, while perceivers do. I’m just curious to know what it would be like, to work at our own pace and make our own decisions without bosses. We the perceivers would have to be totally responsible for the entire business, so this isn’t going to be something like ‘We’ll just stay out of the way but we’ll still really boss you from afar.’ It’s not like that. We have to be totally responsible for running the entire business from top to bottom, including ownership of the business.

So anyway, I should stop ranting about that. Rich went home. Then the whole day was chaos. I had horrible diarrhea and still don’t feel quite right, but did not start vomiting. Not yet anyway.

I decided at one point that I would put my note back into my pocket again and try to give it to Joseph. It’s very, very, very difficult to get close to your own socionic identical type if any kind of barrier has come up between you for any reason at all, and we are currently struggling with that barrier again. I automatically avoid his eyes and protect myself against him without choosing to. It’s probably partly because I’m not ovulating yet – maybe it will improve when I’m ovulating.

I tried, and tried, and tried, today, but it was so chaotic that there was absolutely no chance for me to get close to him at a quiet moment and mentally prepare myself to do it. I don’t want to do it in front of everyone. I just tried and tried to look for an opportunity, a moment when he was alone, when I could be near him and quickly give him something. I don’t know what I will say or how I will do it, but I cannot tell a lie – I am horrible at lying. I imagined saying, ‘You dropped something,’ and giving it to him, but that’s a lie and I can’t lie. Being outright awkward is better than lying. I am just so unnatural at lying that I would rather tell the truth with brute force no matter how blunt and anxiety-provoking it is.

I could just learn from him, whatever he has to teach me. I could find out if he has a good music collection. I could learn about his self-discipline. He is paying for his own online tuition with the money (including tips, which is a lot) that he earns as a delivery driver. He also has some scholarships and stuff, I think – he isn’t paying for 100% of it – but he has been successful at paying it off, which is extremely admirable and inspiring for me, however he did it by not buying any food and just eating at Maki Yaki, which I know I wouldn’t be able to do. I was able to stop drinking coffee – true. But I don’t think I can stop eating food.

I could just learn whatever there is to learn about him. I know it would be a difficult relationship because we wouldn’t have anything to talk about, since I’m not studying or learning the same things he is, so I can’t share a common interest with him. I won’t be able to think of new conversation topics the way an intuitive would be able to do. I don’t even know if it will feel comfortable to physically touch him. Just because I want to doesn’t mean it will be okay if I finally do. It might still feel uncomfortable somehow. I can’t get over this barrier. We both have the same barrier.

But mostly I just need an opportunity. I won’t get one tomorrow – he doesn’t work on Sundays. I will have to try again Monday, and Tuesday, and every single day forever, with that same damn note in my pocket for months and months.

I hope Jacob is okay. I’m about to go home. I might end up getting out the big blanket from the other tent, the one with pesticides on it. I don’t know. The only place to get another one is at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I won’t buy sleeping bags from Appalachian

I wish I could work on the video game right now, but I have to go home and make sure Jacob is okay. The video game is not intended to be a way to earn money, not yet, but just something to learn for my own satisfaction, which I have always wanted to do. I wish I could draw art and scan it in to the computer instead of drawing it on the computer, but I don’t have a scanner. I’d draw it with Aquarelle crayons, the ones you paint over with water. Caran d’Ache or something like that. Those are so beautiful. I want my world to look like that.

But the computer cannot make the color teal. I know because I tried. I scanned a painting that had the teal color in it, and it came out ‘Windows Desktop Teal,’ which is a horrible combination of something like green, blue, and gray, which looks like mold. It wasn’t ‘Caribbean Seafloor Teal.’ Caribbean Seafloor Teal and/or Terrifying Hail Cloud Teal. The color of clouds in a tornado, a beautiful glowing green-blue. It can only be seen on the paper. But still, I’d draw my cartoons and put them into the videogame.

I once drew a cartoon of Luke the dog years ago, on paper, and scanned the individual panels, and made them move, as a cartoon in the computer. It was very brief but beautiful and it worked out well. I don’t have it on this computer. It’s lost in the archives at my other computer in the bedroom at my parents’ house. I have no idea what disk it’s on. Scanning is still better than trying to draw with a light pen, which I tried and it doesn’t work – the line on the screen is disconnected from the pen and unresponsive and slow, and you can’t see the line as you’re drawing it directly under the pen. Even on a tablet with the line made to appear under the pen it’s still too slow and lagging and unresponsive.

Okay, so anyway. The game is only so that I can learn, for now. And this note in my pocket – so frustrating – we would be okay if only we could relax, if only we could talk outside of work, if I could confess what I want and just get it over with. We just can’t talk at work and I can’t even give him the note if anyone else is looking, or if nobody else is there but I can’t get up the courage at that moment and then the moment is lost. It’s extremely hard to do.


3 Responses to “it didn’t progress; also a note is burning a hole in my pocket again”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    …all the worlds a stage…

    Want to move to Antarctica?


  2. Anonymous Says:

    Call your mom she needs you!

    Forgive your father,

    it bleeds you!


  3. Nicole Says:

    Yeah. I need them too. I will call them. I’m having a bad day.

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