recovering from a triggering incident

I don’t have a title for this post yet. I’m not sure how long it’s going to be. I’m at the laundromat. I don’t know how much I want to talk about what has happened in the last few days. Basically I felt traumatized after watching a video. The trauma lasted all the way through the night and all through the next day. It was ‘Little Piggy and the Umbrella Man,’ which was mentioned in connection with the pedophilia disclosures on that other blog post I was reading, which I linked to (and can’t even remember the name of – it’s a page I occasionally read from David Wilcock), the ‘pizzagate’ thing.

Basically, a whole lot of that triggered bad memories from earlier on in my psychotronic attacks. I have heard the word ‘chickens’ being used by the voices in my head. For example, I once delivered newspapers for a very short time – I wasn’t able to do it well because it made my arms hurt really badly and I couldn’t throw the newspaper very fast or accurately.

The guy who drove me around the first day, Chuck, was another newspaper delivery driver at the time. I’ve seen him once or twice since then, probably in the McD drive-thru when I was still working there, and elsewhere at random places around town. He was the one who showed me the route.

Well, after I met him, I had this horrible dream, which might possibly have had a connection to the fact that I was carsick riding in his car, not just because of making a lot of twisty turns, but rather, because every time we backed up, which was repeatedly over and over because of how we were throwing the newspapers to people’s porches, when we backed up the exhaust fumes would come back inside the car. This was the first time I ever experienced this and it was horrible, but it made me aware of other things later on, like when I was carsick on the Greyhound bus for that very same reason – fumes were coming from the engine, and it had nothing to do with motion sickness.

I was sick the whole time I was riding with him, and then I had a dream. It was one of the horrible mind controller dreams. They showed me all these dead chickens in a box buried in the ground, and they were all blue. Chuck was talking about them in a cheerful, crazy, singsong voice, saying, ‘Dey blooooooooo! Dey blooooooo!’ (They blue.) Blue usually means you’re being suffocated or maybe it means you were poisoned with cyanide, I forget. It means something specific about how you died. It might not be cyanide.

It turns out that they call children ‘chickens’ when they talk about pedophilia and about killing children. I have heard them talking about ‘chickens’ in the voices in my head SO MANY TIMES, although, once again, all that crap was mostly years ago and it hasn’t been very bad in the past few years, especially since I’m not on antidepressants anymore and I don’t really hear the voices as clearly as I did when I was on drugs. That’s right – drugs make the voices worse! Of course. It’s not just a little bit worse, as a payoff for all the ‘helpful’ effects of the drugs – no, it’s A WHOLE SHIT TON OF A LOT WORSE, in exchange for a few very mildly slightly helpful effects of the drugs, which are not worth it.

The guy who wrote the article about disclosure mentioned the ‘umbrella man’ video as something not directly connected to Tony Podesta, but rather, it was a link which was associated with other links on some kind of, I dunno, link-association website. I didn’t understand what it was and I’m not looking at the article at this moment and don’t feel like searching for it right now. It was just a bunch of ‘related links’ or ‘If you like THIS foul shit, you might enjoy THIS OTHER foul shit,’ that kind of thing, and that’s where the ‘umbrella man’ thing was.

The next day (yesterday) I went back to the Umbrella Man video and looked at the other videos made by that guy. He was, of course, an ESTP. He also was a drinker and a smoker, and might be on other drugs. I saw one video where he broke his wrist by falling on ice, and went to the hospital, and they wouldn’t give him a painkiller because his blood pressure was, unexplainably, too low. It was like 96/50 or something. Extremely low blood pressure – was it somehow related to the accident, or did he always have chronic low blood pressure? Very low blood pressure is drug-induced, or at least, it has some kind of a cause, including drug residues, or infections, or other things – but it made me wonder if he always has extremely low blood pressure all the time, and what other drugs he’s taking.

I read the comments under the video, but I believe he’s lying. He did not merely make the video fictionally. I believed it was real when I saw it. It’s just too real to be fictional. I believed he killed the girl after the video. In the comments, he said the girl was 35 years old. Well, even if that were true, he still could have killed her, and he put a link to a news article about a serial killer in the area.

I’m not going to argue about it. The video is circumstantial evidence suggesting that he could have killed that person in the video. I don’t even want to argue about it. I don’t want to make a case for it. I read those books about profiling serial killers years ago, and anyone who wants to make a case about it can read books about profiling serial killers. Was Michael Douglas or John Douglas or something the author? I think it was one of those names, with some other co-author.

Well, so when I got home last night, someone had cut the ropes to part of the tarp of my tent. They had also moved the camouflage net that I had lying on the ground, which was originally meant to cover my bike, but I don’t really use it, and they put it up at the entrance to my path so it was obviously visible to anyone walking by, just this big sheet of camo net right there. Jacob was okay. They opened the door to the tent and ripped out the bottom of the door, which I had myself ripped open just a little ways so that Jacob could get in and out.

Today I duct taped that shut and tied the cords to the tarp back on. It was actually a beautiful day during our five minutes of sunshine. We still have a little bit of blue sky between the clouds.

I have had a few incidents, rare incidents, in the past while camping, when deer hunters did things to my camp. One time on Mt. Nittany, somebody unzipped both tents and left them that way, but since I am coming and going every day, they weren’t like that for very long, and it didn’t rain. This person, too, unzipped the door and left it open.

It’s deer hunting season now, but people aren’t allowed to hunt deer in Walnut Springs Park because it’s right next to a whole bunch of houses a short distance away, surrounding the park on all sides. In a way that’s better for me than Mt. Nittany was. I had to worry about possibly getting shot when I was up there. Down here I don’t. There have been a few times when I heard gunshots, not recently but in the past, at Walnut Springs, but I don’t know where they came from, and it wasn’t like dozens of people all walking around shooting dozens of times like it was on Mt. Nittany.

But anyway, this is the time of year when angry destructive men are wandering in the woods, off the paths. I’m not saying all hunters are angry destructive men, but there is a tendency to be the ESTP type, who has no qualms about destroying other people’s physical property. Oh look, here’s a tent, let’s destroy something. I don’t do that when I find something in the woods that doesn’t belong to me, unless it’s extremely old and already destroyed and obviously abandoned. This tent is NOT obviously abandoned.

So this is a ‘mad at ESTPs’ day. Sorry to any NICE ESTPs out there who aren’t drug-addicted murderers and property-destroyers. I know they exist.

Okay, so after all that, there is another part of me, the more recently acquired wisdom of my middle age, which knows something the younger me didn’t know: even though we have a more direct, visceral response to the sight of a serial killer murdering someone directly, in person, themselves, instinctively, to put it in perspective there are far worse murderers who murder millions of people, but do it impersonally, at a faraway distance, and nobody gets viscerally angry at them because they can’t SEE what those people are doing, and they are people like the drug industry, the medical industry, the government, and so on. Those big organizations and industries are the real mass murderers.

No, I am not saying being a serial killer is okay, but rather, that if it were my job to fix the world, it might not be wise to direct my superheroes’ energies towards the individual evildoers, but rather, towards those big, large, mass murderers who murder indirectly and from afar by means of drugs and medical treatments and science. To be effective at fixing the world, you have to shut down those industries.

The serial killers need to be stopped too, but one reason why they kill is because they are almost always addicted to the commonplace drugs, tobacco and alcohol. Those two drugs are the cause of murder. I include caffeine amongst the bad drugs too because it is also commonplace and everywhere, and it tends to open the door to those others as a gateway drug. The three of those are intertwined – when you are exposed to one of them, you crave the other two as well. Withdrawal from any one of them is hard to do when you are still addicted to the other two which are constantly triggering new cravings. There are of course many other drugs that these people are usually taking, which are illegal or prescription drugs or herbal drugs.

So, I’m getting over all that. I patched things together at the tent. I’m doing some laundry. I tested a new sauce made by Mike at Maki Yaki, and he seems to be including medicinal-culinary herbs in these sauces. He gave me these fermented radishes, and I know I love the plain ones that we have at the restaurant, but the ones he had were made with a spicy sauce which, I found out later, seemed to contain an aphrodisiac. The sauce I tried last night from him had something in it which triggered some kind of pleasure receptors in my mouth, but I only ate a very small amount at a time and did not trigger a rush. I thought I heard Dave saying he had tried the sauce too and really liked it. It did taste good, but I cannot identify the substance that triggered the pleasure-rush receptors.

I still have no idea of the Chinese sauce that made me temporarily extremely intelligent in a crazy, weird way. I was living with the Chinese students for a few months and one time they gave me some food. I forget what it was, just a bunch of stuff mixed together, and the girl added some kind of sauce out of a jar to the top of it. The sauce was dark colored and had little chunks of stuff cut up in it, in a way resembling the one I ate last night from Mike, but not the same. I have no idea what else was in the food other than that sauce, and never noticed the name of the sauce.

After I ate it, my intelligence was greatly increased for a few hours, but my thoughts were crazy and weird and manic. I was thinking about designing a corporation where every employee would be designated as a mentor whose job it was to teach someone else, and also to be taught by someone else. It was all about people teaching and training each other throughout the company, represented by little branching diagrams.

It wasn’t merely MSG, although there are different chemicals used to make MSG and so it probably varies greatly depending on what chemicals are used. I tested American MSG which is made with chemicals that are different from Chinese MSG, if I recall correctly from what I read. MSG is disgusting, in my opinion – it is a very unpleasant and unnatural ‘umami’ taste which is nowhere near as enjoyable as real meats and real protein. But this American MSG (I just bought that ‘salt’ stuff at the grocery store) did absolutely nothing to make me more intelligent.

I have noticed greatly increased intelligence after eating Chinese food at restaurants before, too, and never knew which ingredient was doing it. I suspected the tea, but was unable to consistently get intelligence-increasing effects from drinking tea, although that was during the time when I was already drinking tons and tons of coffee and had lost all sensitivity to the drug. Tea varies in quality and goes stale if it vaporizes into the air and loses those volatiles. I don’t get this effect anymore, probably because a lot of places are no longer allowing MSG in their food, because it makes so many people sick with terrible headaches and stuff. I don’t recall if I had a bad headache after eating the food with my Chinese roommates that one time.

So I am still considering the possibility that it might just be a culinary herb added to Chinese food commonly, because sage, another common American herb, also increases my intelligence in some ways or distorts the way my brain thinks. Whatever it is, it’s stronger than sage.

‘Intelligence.’ It can be a horrible thing sometimes. Intelligence, when you become better at doing whatever it is that you’re doing, when something distorts your brain and your personality, or when seen through the lens of your personality type, exaggerating and
intensifying your personality type’s existing strengths and weaknesses – intelligence can have horrible effects. It was an evil genius in China who decided that foot-binding would be a good idea.
Foot-binding is truly, truly evil genius. It requires them to BREAK THE BONES of the foot when they bind it, and then force the bones to grow that way for years and years. WHO WOULD EVEN THINK OF THAT! It was a sick person, and a very intelligent sick person, who devised this horrible process. Thankfully they are not doing it anymore, and there are only a few people left alive who’ve had it done to them.

The result is that women cannot walk or run, and are effectively slaves who are forced to sit in the house all day and cannot escape and can barely move, forced to wear tiny little decorative shoes, because if they take their feet out of the shoes, it suddenly becomes obvious how grotesquely deformed they are. What a great way to prevent your wife from walking outside and going to somebody else’s house and meeting new people and cheating on you! She can’t even run if you chase her when you’re beating her.

So that was an example of a situation where being intelligent was not an asset. It made that inventor able to create something horrible which never should have existed, and made it very effective at accomplishing evil things. It would be better to have an evil idiot, who says, ‘I wish I could beat my wife / daughter, but she runs too fast. Oh well, I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.’

You can tell I am somewhat getting over the trauma-triggering incident if I am able to make jokes about Chinese people who can’t beat their fast-running wives and daughters.

I guess that’s all that’s happened that I wanted to talk about. Reading about pedophilia and serial killers is too much for me after all my own experiences with the voices in my head and all the events that led up to the incidents in 2003 and the antidepressants (and leftover residues from them) both herbal and prescription that I took in the past and all their effects and … everything. Believe it or not, my own experiences with a pedophile at age 11 were nothing compared to what happened to me as an adult.

I remember George, the family friend who visited Dad once in a while, from the scuba club, and he always was giving me too many hugs and carrying me around at an age when there was no reason to be picking me up and carrying me (11 and 12 years old). This was annoying but I tolerated it, until one day when he touched my breasts, and I jokingly-ha-ha told him, “Hahahahahaha, don’t you ever do that again, hahahaahaha.’ And then I told my parents about it, and I stopped letting him hug me or touch me. I don’t remember anything else happening with him, unless there is something which I am unable to remember.

That incident was much less traumatic and horrible and left much less of an impact on me than the things that happened in my young adulthood, beginning with computer hackers. The childhood pedophile DID have some impact on me, but it didn’t completely disable me for life, assuming there really was only that one incident and no other suppressed memories.

I believe the things that ruined my life, starting in childhood, were: Weston Price deformities, orthodontic braces and the tooth removals associated with them, a plastic orthodontic retainer which leached plastic-juice into my mouth with all its BPA, giving me painful breasts and probably lowering my intelligence too, and a mercury dental filling in my teens, along with a bunch of chemicals I was using to style my hair, which messed me up in a lot of ways, and the pesticides my parents used in the house, followed by, in my adulthood, pesticides, pesticides, pesticides, and more pesticides (along with a few other life-ruining incidents involving antibiotics,
antidepressants, other drugs, herbal drugs). The childhood pedophile was actually one of the LEAST of the horribly traumatic things that ruined my life – unless I really am suppressing memories about him, which is possible.

There is a difference between a pedophile who takes no for an answer when you tell him no, versus a murderer who physically forces you to do something (including the mind control attackers who are forcing themselves onto their victims by means of electronic weapons). There are different degrees of how bad something is.

I’m kind of tired of talking about this, though. I guess I will just publish this and move on to whatever else I’m going to do.

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