slightly recovering; huge rants about personality types, then rants about food

12:13 PM 12/6/2016

I had this dream that this guy with slightly long blond hair leaned over my table where I was sitting, in the middle of a school cafeteria filled with people. I was sitting alone. He wanted to see the list of things I was eating. He had an aura of quiet sadness, or an aura that I can’t really describe, which was attractive. I hugged him as he leaned over the table. I felt that he was my dual. He had on this soft, puffy coat. Now that I think about it he could have just as easily been a kindred, not a dual – it’s hard to type people from just a brief interaction like that. He didn’t say anything.

I am not so sick today as I was yesterday. But I am still having trouble eating. Several times in the past few days I bought food and then didn’t eat it. Some of it was shelf stable food, which can be kept, but a couple things were perishable, like a burger from Burger King that I couldn’t even touch. I don’t know what the problem is. I actually lost my appetite several days ago before my period actually started, so it wasn’t just from taking ibuprofen. I bought this food that I intended to cook on the grill, then didn’t do it – I had these sliced mushrooms in a package, which are borderline perishable / non-perishable, and I hesitate to eat them now several days later. And I don’t have the energy to cook anything today anyhow. And I don’t feel like eating raw mushrooms. But after taking the ibuprofen / Advil, I’ve been even sicker and even more unable to eat. I could only eat just a few chips and salsa last night, so most of the salsa is wasted. Usually I am able to eat a lot of it.

I felt like I needed to explain more about the perceivers/judgers dichotomy in the workplace. My relations generally do quite accurately follow the socionics model, although some of the things that they say in the theory are not really true – I prefer to use this other thing which was either Model B or just ‘Hitta’s Chart,’ but it’s not that important.

The general idea: perceivers and judgers in the same quadra are able to get along fairly well, although I still have had some bad experiences with them, and in the workplace, it causes a lot of tension when I have an ESTJ bossing me around constantly. I wasn’t sure what type Kat was, but ‘they’ typed her INTP, and she reminds me of several other women who ‘they’ also typed INTP in the past – she too gets annoyed with Dave even though he is an ENTJ and he is in her quadra.

Dave is not a drug addict per se, but: he has degenerative disk disease, which means that he has severe back pain; he is constantly drinking coffee as a painkiller – he’s one of the few people I’ve ever met who understands as well as I do that coffee is a painkiller, which makes you able to ignore your pain and keep going (which actually causes the injuries to get worse! and it causes bone decay, which will be worsening his degenerative disk disease); he also chews tobacco and goes into tobacco withdrawal; and I am not sure if he uses any other painkillers aside from those things, I forget – I think he has mentioned before whether he does or does not. All that I know is he is an extremely heavy coffee drinker, just as I used to be but probably even worse, and a tobacco chewer who goes into withdrawal and becomes irritable and angry. Those drugs affect his moods and behavior strongly enough to make him have more conflicts with people, but all of that behavior is ‘shaped by’ his personality type, ENTJ.

I actually really like Dave a lot (which is one reason why I like the ‘Model B’ / Hitta’s Chart socionics model because it explains one reason why supervision types might like each other as much as they do in real life), but also, he really annoys me a lot, too. Dave makes me laugh a lot and I can have good conversations with him. He came in here and he wanted to try to make this place more profitable, so he started changing the way we did things from the moment he came in.

Mike, ISFJ, one of the owners/managers, was tolerating this but not really agreeing with all of the changes he wanted to make – one of the more annoying changes was, he wanted us to use the little food processor to slice carrots into half-moon shapes because it was allegedly faster than julienne-slicing them on the mandolin. However, if it was faster, it didn’t make much difference, because we don’t slice a lot of carrots anyway, although if you make every single task faster individually then it’s true, the total time you spend all day will be less, I know. But I didn’t like the way the carrots looked when they were cut in half moons with all the other vegetables. Suk kept on slicing them julienne even though surely she must have heard or been told we’re all supposed to use the food processor now.

Oh, about me wanting a food processor: I do want one, and I do believe it’s possible to use one, but I would want to do a whole lot more research before buying one. I would want to search around and find out whether anything out there was capable of cutting our vegetables exactly the same way that we cut them; I would want to find out whether it was extremely durable and high quality; I would want to find out whether it was ergonomic and well designed and easy to use; I would want to find out whether it could take a whole lot of vegetables at one time, because ours turned out to be a very small one that you can only put a tiny handful of stuff into, which all has to be pre-cut just so that it will fit into the opening.

We got this very small thing which was a combination mixer and slicer – it has this attachment you can put on the front, or remove if you are using the mixer instead. We can make batter in the mixer, which I do find much easier to do. But I haven’t found anything that the slicer can be used for that will make the vegetables look the same as the way we do them by hand. Anyway if I were buying a food processor, it’s very likely that the one I found that met all my criteria would be extremely expensive and possibly quite large. I would not necessarily be able to buy one at all for a long time unless I could get the money for it. The other option is to buy everything premade from factories outside the store, like McDonald’s does. Everything they have is pre-cut. They don’t slice their own tomatoes or shred their own lettuce in the store – it comes in packages like that.

I actually sort of agree with and understand what Dave is trying to do. He wants to make this place more efficient so that we can be more profitable. Not just more efficient, but better in every way. I just don’t really agree with his way of going about it. I think that’s the essence of a socionic supervision relation! It’s also known as ‘revision’ according to some of the translations from Russian, so, you are looking at someone, at what they do, and ‘revising’ or wanting to fix and change everything they do. Every type has one supervisor (for me, the ESFJ), and one supervisee (ENTJ for me).

I, too, have thoughts about how I would like to ‘fix’ Maki Yaki, but I don’t feel qualified to express all those thoughts, and most of them are so extremely unconventional that I know nobody would be willing to do them. The whole way that I would want to run a business is extremely unconventional and downright communistic.

I no longer believe in capitalism. I believe it is wrong to ‘own’ the land, which inevitably takes it away from subsistence
hunter-gatherers, farmers, fishers, herders, and ‘subsistence traders,’ people who trade real goods and services without using a government-controlled fake printed money system. It’s especially wrong for large organizations, such as governments, banks,
universities, and corporations to own land, because they are competing against individual people who are also trying to buy land on the same market, at prices which are unfairly inflated because large
organizations are able to afford infinitely high prices – price is no object to them. Not only that, but when they buy land, they keep it for the rest of eternity – hundreds, or thousands, of years, whereas individual people have to lose, and re-buy, small plots of land every time somebody dies. Individual people do not have eternal life. Only organizations and groups do. I should just say ‘groups.’ Groups have eternal life. Individual people competing against groups for land ownership – that’s why it’s so expensive to buy land. That, and the fake money system in all its complexity.

After all that, I was saying, I no longer believe it is right to own land, especially if the owner is a group or corporation. Some real estate agency owns the land that our restaurant is on. Someone rents this space to us. Because of that, nobody is able to subsist on this piece of land. After displacing us and making it impossible for us to subsist in the wild – isn’t there some other word besides ‘subsist?’ Some word that means ‘eat food for free by gathering it from the wild?’ I don’t like Latin/Greek-based words, and ‘subsist’ is one of those words. I want a word from the original language. However, the original English language was made by people who were SUBSISTING, and it was their whole way of life and there was no such thing as any alternative – the alternative to subsistence – slavery – only happened when these invaders came up from Greece and Rome and took over all of Europe and forced them to live under their rule. So they didn’t make a word that described their own way of life. The only people who knew there was a difference between subsistence and slavery were the slave-makers, the countries speaking Latin, because they could see that some people out there were still free, still living on the land for themselves and not working as slaves to the government, so they made the word ‘subsistence’ to describe freedom.

Anyway, after displacing us from the land and making it impossible to subsist on it, I believe that this ‘capitalism’ has a duty to feed the people who have been displaced, and that is its only duty.
‘Capitalism’ exists only to provide a living for the employees.

When I talk about being displaced from the land, I’m not talking about Native Americans (although they are included too), I’m talking about WHITE PEOPLE DISPLACING WHITE PEOPLE from the land. All white people are slaves to other white people, who displaced them from the land. At every moment in time, every time a human is born inside a city where there is no way to hunt and forage for food, that person is automatically ‘displaced’ by definition merely by existing inside a city. At your moment of birth, you are physically trapped inside an enormous cage where you are surrounded by an empty wasteland devoid of life, devoid of food, devoid of subsistence, and the only way to get food is by begging for it from the slaveowners – the capitalists who own the land through corporations and groups and government and agencies and universities and banks and real estate agencies.

So. Back to whatever I was saying a few paragraphs ago. A
corporation’s duty is to provide food and shelter and basic needs for the people who have been displaced. It can’t do this in exactly the same way that they themselves would have chosen to do it if they were able to live on the land. I’m not eating the same food I’d be eating, or wearing the same fabrics I’d be wearing, or using the same tools I’d be using, or living in the same kind of house I’d be living in, if I were free to live on the land and if everyone else was too.

So my communistic corporation is very employee-focused and
employee-centered, as these people are under my care, depending on me to do justice for them. I just would always remember that this corporation is unjust merely by existing, although its ranking of injustice is lower than that of the larger groups who have more money. We are mere crumb-scroungers compared to the behemoths. The behemoths make millions of dollars a minute by playing with the money system. This tiny corporation is a crumb-scrounger trying to make a slightly more honest living by actually selling goods and services. We are nowhere near the most unjust of all those who are unjust.

So the best achievement of a corporation is to say that it is feeding and taking care of the largest possible number of people with respect to the piece of land it’s sitting on. All that huge, wasted land around Penn State University – oh, all of it could be farmland, all of it could have goats on it, and chickens.

I am thinking of the land around the botanical garden on Park Avenue, for instance. That building was rebuilt a few years ago and made into this huge, fancy, multibillion dollar architectural atrocity with glass windows everywhere, in some weird shape. It’s far back from the road and there is all this empty space in front of it, a big mowed yard. Years ago, in that yard, there was this nice little thing that I loved, the ‘Test Garden,’ where they grew all these breeds of flowers that they were testing, and you could park there and just go take a walk through that garden, which was visible from the road. They destroyed the test garden and replaced it with a mowed lawn. The botanical garden is way, way back from the road, and it’s nowhere near big enough. It should take up the entire space of that mowed lawn, and it doesn’t have to be as formal and fancy as it is – I really liked just the plain old test garden, which was just rows of flowers you could walk through and look at.

All that land is owned by the university, who pays lawnmowers to go over it every so often. All that land is land that somebody could be subsisting on. The university has eternal life and infinite money, because – oh, I cannot even imagine such a huge number. It has tens of thousands of students, and each one of them is paying $100,000 or so to go to the school, so, it’s something like 40,000 people times $100,000 (although there are variations – Joseph is doing online school which is cheaper). That’s just a vague estimate to give you an idea of how huge the number is.

Is that fair competition? Is it fair to give a group of people eternal life, to say, ‘All of the money, and all of the land, that your forebears in this group have owned for centuries, has now been handed down to you and the other members of your group, who are ever-changing and who come and go. No one can take this land away from this group of people.’ Meanwhile, if an individual dies, he loses his land, unless he gives it to his children, which doesn’t always happen, or they sell it. It is constantly being handed from one person to another, quickly, except that they pay $1,000,000 each transaction. So, it gets sold to somebody else for a million dollars, every couple years. Somebody is repeatedly making a million dollars by selling that same piece of land over and over again. Ordinary individuals are losing all of that money – do you see? Individuals as-a-group are losing more money than the university. The university doesn’t have to constantly battle to keep hold of its land every couple years if somebody dies or if somebody leaves the university. But individuals-as-such, the single people, are all (as a group) hemorrhaging millions of dollars every couple years to hold on to this one particular plot of land that has somebody’s house on it. Individuals do not have eternal life and do not have eternal, thousand-year claims to a piece of land, saving them from having to hemorrhage millions of dollars every couple years to keep it.

My battery is gonna run out sometime. I’m in the tent, writing on the laptop. I actually felt like I had a bunch more stuff I wanted to say.

I was talking about socionics, then about Dave the ENTJ, and about how he wanted to make us more efficient and profitable, but I didn’t entirely agree with HOW he was going about it. Then I started ranting about how I hate capitalism because it depends on land ownership. I had actually been going to say a few more things. What I want for Maki Yaki is for it to have more traditional food FROM BEFORE THE TIME WHEN CHILI PEPPERS INVADED ASIA. They have all this super-hot, super-spicy food which is utterly inedible. I sincerely believe, no joke, that Asians must have fewer of the neurons that detect the painful spiciness of peppers in their mouths. They cannot possibly enjoy constant agonizing pain when they eat. We have all these menu items made with, for example, the hot soup base, which is basically nothing but a bunch of liquid filled with pure capsaicin, intended to dissolve all of the bones of your teeth and the flesh of your gums, tongue, and cheeks, melting your face off like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. It is not an enjoyable experience.

There was a time in the past when every single meal in Asia was not made with nothing but a giant wad of ground up hot peppers. Guess what, hot peppers came from Mexico. They are a post-Columbian food. Before that, meals in Asia were much blander, but also much more edible.

Dave has complained about this too, and I totally agree with him. And I don’t think this is merely a white people’s complaint. It’s not merely because white people have more spicy-hot receptors in their mouths and are therefore more able to feel the pain. I think the Asians don’t like it either! They waste ALL THE SOUP. Those hot spicy soups made with a giant bowl of literally boiling hot liquid capsaicin never get eaten. They take a couple bites, then throw the rest away. I am telling you, it is a huge, boiling hot bowl of liquid, in a thick ceramic bowl that keeps all the heat so it’s hot for literally HOURS just sitting out on the table, and not only is it hot in temperature it’s also nothing but half a quart of pure capsaicin. THIS… IS… INEDIBLE… and that’s why they take two bites of soup and throw the rest away.

You DON’T HAVE TO HAVE unbearably spicy food to make it traditional Asian food. Look for traditions that were PRE-COLUMBIAN, from hundreds of years ago. How on earth did those millions of Asians survive a thousand years ago before hot peppers were transported across the ocean from Mexico? Surely they must have had some interesting traditional recipes that are worth eating????

So if you want to ask me what I’d do to fix Maki Yaki, that’s what I’d do. We need to compete against McDonald’s. Why are Asians buying McDonald’s? They want food which is fast, convenient, and satisfying, but not so full of hot peppers that it is inedible. It has to be easy to eat it quickly.

And I don’t mean Makiritos, either (burritos). Those are not satisfying, and the burrito is a disgusting, bitter tasting, doughy, gooey flour. In order to be satisfying, it must contain ANIMAL FAT. McDonald’s has animal fat. We have nothing but vegetable oil. I found out to my dismay that the pork belly also gets FRIED IN THE VEGETABLE OIL. That ruins it! It’s good because it’s animal fat. You want the animal fat to be the only kind of fat that’s on there.

I don’t want my pork belly (the, what’s it called, sam gyub sal) to be deep fried in the toxic, disgusting, poisonous vegetable oil. I never fry my own pork belly in vegetable oil when I cook it at home! I used to get this pork belly stuff which had another name that I forget, at Weis, near the deli. It was chopped into little tiny squares. I can’t remember the name. Something Italian, probably.

This is one of those things that would be painful to explain to Rich. Rich is the ISFP and I love him so much. He is so gentle and kind to me, and one of the things that he does is, he makes food for me whenever I am hungry. He’s the one who told me that the pork belly gets fried in the fryer. How could I explain to Rich that I hate that, when he’s being so nice and so loving about it, and he doesn’t understand about the vegetable oil and the fact that I hate it and all the knowledge I have about vegetable oil and deep fryers – he doesn’t have all that knowledge and all of that hatred of deep frying that I do. So I’m like, ‘Awww, thanks for giving me this toxic deep-fried poisonous vegetable oil, you made it with love.’ It sounds horribly sarcastic to put it that way. I totally ignore all health concerns because he makes the food with love.

How do you fix something like that? I don’t necessarily believe we should be using a deep fryer filled with beef tallow either. AGAIN, I AM URGING GREAT CAUTION AGAINST THE USE OF TALLOW until I personally have done the testing to find out what it does to the heart. I have had suspicious experiences that were like heart attacks during times when I was eating ‘conventionally grown’ beef made into little sausages that had a large amount of fat in them. I have also noticed sensations in the heart when I ate fat that came off of GRASS FED BEEF, so it is not merely because of their being conventionally raised in CAFOs. I am not having heart problems from eating my extremely tiny shavings of grass fed tallow out of this jar, but that’s because those are extremely small shavings, literally just a thin shaving off the top with a knife.

I advocate using fresh tallow every time you cook, but people believe that ‘tallow lasts forever and it never oxidizes,’ so they think it’s safe to keep it hot in the deep fryer for eternity and reuse it again and reheat it. I wouldn’t mind tallow if it was used in a small shallow frying pan, individually for that meal, but not in a deep fryer where it would be reused for days and kept constantly on heat. All of the things that allegedly they say tallow is good for are the very things that I think we should be extremely cautious about doing, because I have not personally tested them myself. I have never owned a deep fryer and filled it with tallow and continued to use it for several days.

I want to test this. I want to make deep fried sweet potato fries. The fries must have a thickness similar to McDonald’s french fries. The reason McD fries are so good is because they have a very large ratio of surface to interior. You don’t get a lot of squishy, mushy, grainy, mealy potato in each bite, but instead, most of what you feel is the crispy outer exterior, because the fries are thin and there just isn’t much volume of potato on the inside. I don’t like thick french fries. I like thin ones (although actually I never eat any kind of french fried potatoes at all, but when I do, I can barely choke down the thick ones, whereas at least I tolerate the very thin McD-style fries).

Note: potatoes cause deformities, including cleft lip. This was documented by the Maya people, in drawings. I don’t know the web page where I found this information. It is a Weston Price deformity and he didn’t understand that naturally occurring plant toxins in the nightshade family and other plant families are also able to cause deformities.

So, I don’t know how to fix the deep fryer at Maki Yaki. I would not tell a restaurant to switch back to using old-fashioned tallow for a deep fryer UNLESS I HAD PERSONALLY TESTED IT MYSELF TO SEE WHETHER IT CAUSES HEART ATTACKS. I must personally test this myself. The only acceptable thing I will advocate now is adding some kind of fat to a shallow frying pan and frying individual meals with it, and never using a deep fryer for anything. That is how I cook at home (when I have a fridge and kitchen).

Meals must contain animal fat in order for them to be satisfying. People are struggling to get the fat that they need, by craving our deep-fried foods made with vegetable oil. The chicken katsu is very popular.

I also want to avoid using bread. Bread is the convenience food that makes McDonald’s so easy to eat. You can hold it in your hand and eat it while driving a car to work. Nobody has time to sit there waiting for a huge ceramic bowl of boiling hot capsaicin to cool down for three hours. That is a slow food. But the good thing about Asian food is that it doesn’t use wheat and it doesn’t use bread (except where it’s been Westernized/Americanized and they’ve adopted the use of wheat flour).

There are alternatives to wheat flour bread. You can use edible large leaves, but you have to research to find out what they are, what kind of leaves. You can wrap things with seaweed. There are other types of non-wheat flour which are able to be made into solidified objects which can be used to hold other foods so you can hold them in your hand.

Everything that’s good about the traditional Asian diet must be maintained. Asians are lactose intolerant and they don’t drink milk. Good for them! Even better when the milk comes from a factory farm. But I am observing that milk makes me fat. I am inconclusive about just how fat I become from drinking grassfed milk without any hormones in it – I believe it really does make me fatter. Asians don’t drink alcohol. Good for them! They’re alcohol intolerant genetically as well. They just CAN’T drink alcohol. These are extremely good things to have in a large population of people.

They should eat like the Mongolians, who have these outdoor markets with visible disgusting objects like cow heads sitting there for sale. You have to eat the organs and the other parts of the animal (but don’t eat the hormone glands like the thyroid or adrenal glands – the hormones DO act as a hormone even after going through the stomach – it is a MYTH that ‘oh, blah blah blah, the stomach would break down all the hormones before they had any effect on you.’ That’s bullshit and its purpose is to give the drug companies a monopoly on hormones so they can sell you synthetic thyroid. It is all a lie. Natural thyroid affects you very easily directly through the skin or by inhalation, in addition to if you eat it. DON’T… EAT… THYROID or other glands. You will be utterly miserable and probably dead if you’re unlucky. I actually bought powdered beef grassfed thyroid a few years ago to test it, thinking maybe I have a thyroid problem, and merely touching and handling the bottle caused me to stay awake all night long in utter misery afterwards.

The Mongolians are eating a much wilder diet, with meat and offal. That’s the kind of traditional Asian diet that I want to replicate, not this soybean crap. Oh yeah, soybeans – GET RID OF THEM. There is no possible way to make them safe to eat, no matter what you do to them, Weston Price advocates be damned. Those Weston Price advocates are WRONG when they claim that soy suddenly becomes safe to eat if you ferment it properly. It is never good for you to eat a bunch of estrogen. The Mongolians aren’t sitting around eating tofu. Fermentation doesn’t destroy estrogen!

Also, there are major problems with seafood which cannot be easily fixed. I think this is going to be a major theme in our generation, the fixing of the seafood problem. Pollution in the oceans …. all seafood is toxic. We cannot bring seafood up to the same standards of quality that we have for our organic, grassfed, free range, pastured beef and chicken and pork. We always know that our seafood is eating little microplastic beads and microfibers and inhaling mercury and Fukushima runoff and agricultural pollution. Seafood – oh, it would be such an ideal food if it could be brought up to the same standards of cleanliness as all our organic foods on the land.

I have no objection to a ‘fish farm’ if it is like I am imagining. Imagine a large object out in the middle of the ocean. It’s underwater. It’s full of little complex holes and openings, with a huge surface area for stuff to grow on. There’s all this seaweed and stuff growing on it. Then all these little fish and other creatures start living among the seaweed growing on it. You don’t have to give them food. We’re not feeding them little soy-based fish pellets. You feed them nothing at all. They are completely wild and free, but they are attracted to this large complex object floating near the surface with all this stuff growing on it. Those are the seafood farms that I like. FEED THEM NOTHING. You don’t have to. Don’t make them unnatural and toxic. They are nice, clean, pure seafood (except for the pollution and plastic they’re inhaling).

I am really hungry. I’m obsessed with food now. I tried to eat yesterday and could barely choke down a few bites of food. Now I’m hungry and frustrated. I still cannot eat easily. I tried to eat a few bites of food here at home and could not eat very much here either. I am obsessively imagining all the wonderful foods that exist out there in the world that we’re missing out on because our stupid society is too stupid to use them. Fish organs are the best thing to be eating, if they aren’t full of pollution.

So, really, what I want is not merely to ‘fix Maki yaki’ or make it the way I want it. What I actually want is an entire society designed to produce the kinds of foods that I want, without any pollution. And I want to be able to walk out the door right now and go to a restaurant within walking or biking distance and eat these foods, and I want to be confident that there is a restaurant providing these kinds of foods on every street corner, not just one such restaurant in the entire city, but everywhere. Every street corner has such a restaurant or such a store with these foods, organ meats, weird plants and unfamiliar fruits and vegetables and seaweeds, insects, exotic spices and herbs…

Yes, I’m obsessed with food now. I think I’m still too sick to eat. I will try to choke down a couple of the inadequate foods I have here in the tent at the moment. That’ll be Fritos corn chips fried in corn oil!!! Yippee!!! (I also have a whole bunch of dried fruits and nuts and some jerky.)

Oh, I’m remembering the tragedy of the millet. Millet is unsafe for human consumption. Sometimes when you try an exotic food used in other countries, it doesn’t go very well. Millet is the reason why my upper left molar crumbled and fell apart. Millet causes rapid, extreme tooth decay within a few days of eating it, and it also causes extremely severe thyroid dysfunction, so that you become extremely unenergetic. If you eat millet repeatedly over a couple of days, you will lose a tooth while you are in the middle of eating it, as I did. My tooth fell apart during the moment when I was eating the millet. The millet was cooked, so it wasn’t a hard, crunchy food that I was biting into that would put stress on the tooth. There was no stress at all. I was eating mush at the time when my tooth fell apart. There I was, eating mush without even having to chew, and suddenly my whole tooth fell apart in my mouth. Millet is unfit for consumption. I don’t know how anyone anywhere eats it. Being toothless is viewed as normal in some countries.

I wish I had built my house, my little house of sticks and mud. It’ll be big enough to stand up in, and big enough to put a table and chairs in. Like Terraria. I just need a worktable. Workbench, that’s what I was trying to say. I can’t do anything now when it’s cold. It’ll be months before I can do any outdoor work again, and by then, tragically, I will have moved into a house again and will be ripped off the land, ripped out of the woods, away from my project of building the stick house, away from knowing that I need one, forced to live in someone else’s house where I will pay rent or have strings attached.

This year, the year 2016, I was tragically taken away from the woods where I was living last December, when I got pertussis, and someone heard me coughing and found my tent and called the police, and I had been preparing to move in with Eric and Jason anyway, and then I lost my job at McDonald’s and suffered pesticide poisoning from my bedsheets for the entire first half of the year, during the time when I should have been in the woods watching the springtime, watching the leaves grow, watching the weather get warmer, and I should have been here building my house all this year long.

I say I had pertussis. It probably was pertussis for real. I was coughing for about three months. It was extremely contagious and one of my McD coworkers had the same thing. In the beginning, you would be coughing and vomiting at the same time, coughing so hard that you vomit. I try not to vomit, so I suppressed it successfully, but I could feel that I was trying to vomit while I coughed. I had to cough every couple minutes and my coughing interfered with sleep. It just would not go away for three entire months even after I moved into Eric and Jason’s house.

I know if I leave the woods again to go live in a house during the winter, I will get stuck there, wherever it is, and it will ruin my entire year, and I will be taken away from the woods for the whole time, unable to work on building my house. I have to STAY IN THE WOODS in order to understand WHY I NEED TO BUILD MY HOUSE. I have to be traumatized by the inconvenience of winter to truly understand that I need to dig a hole in the ground and I need to build walls. It’s not just me, it’s Jacob that is the problem. So far it’s been warm enough that he is okay, but I will have to make warmer and warmer boxes for him, and will have to fix up my tent with more cardboard – I have some around the tent now but it’s falling off and it’s not set up very well. Just putting cardboard around the tent is not good enough.

I need a house I can stand up in, and do things in, at a table. I need a place where my food will go, and where I can process it and prepare it. It needs to be warm enough that I can move around without my fingers freezing when I am out of bed. It needs to be strong enough to withstand objects falling on it, such as falling trees and falling branches. It needs to be thick enough to provide insulation. I can get some warmth by digging into the ground – if only I dig enough to get down to the 55 degrees place, I’ll be perfectly fine all winter – I am comfortable enough now when my tent is 50 degrees and I’m able to type on my laptop without my fingers freezing.

I will never, ever do this if I keep getting ripped out of the woods, ripped away. The only reason I never built anything on Mt. Nittany was because I contaminated all the soil around my tent with ephedra, so I didn’t want to put any permanent infrastructure there. I do not have contaminated soil here.

I need a house comfortable enough that I can try to wash my hair with hot water in the house in the woods, without freezing. I will have to use some kind of propane stove to avoid making smoke and being seen here, although ideally if I had my own land I’d be using wood and making a regular fire. Or I could use coal. All I have to do is go to Centralia and walk around and pick up free coal lying on the ground. I have a couple chunks of coal that I brought back with me when Bobby and Chelsea from McD took me on that road trip there.

Coal – I think it’s the reason why everyone in West Virginia is deformed and stupid, although that’s probably also tobacco. Coal is full of toxic chemicals. I’m not joking, the people in WV are EXTREMELY deformed, as in, grossly visible facial deformities with extreme intellectual disability. It is some chemical causing this, along with malnutrition and poverty, and I think the chemical is probably coal. It’s full of mercury and other stuff, probably lead too, although I don’t know.

I’m really uncomfortable because Jacob is on top of the blanket and I’m sitting in an awkward position for a really long time while typing this, so I’m going to put this away and take a nap. I did eat a little bit of a snack so I am no longer totally obsessed with food. It’s frustrating, it’s not the food that I ideally want.

I need to take a shower at some point, too, but maybe I will skip that this week – I don’t have a lot of money left. I’m using up the CASH THAT I SAVED which wasn’t supposed to be used for food. And I can’t go talk to the food stamps people. That requires too much effort when I can barely get out of bed. It costs $10 to get a day pass at the YMCA, although there were some people who were letting me go in for free when I told them I was only using the shower and nothing else.

Ugh. I went to the laundromat, where I am now, and I washed my hair. It is going to be an absolute nightmare to comb it out. I have a conditioner that doesn’t work very well. I tried this Finesse conditioner that’s called ‘Clean and Pure’ or something like that, in a white bottle – it’s hypoallergenic and doesn’t have sulfates. But whatever chemicals they took out of it, they took out something that makes the conditioner work, because this one doesn’t work as well as the normal one that I usually buy. I really don’t like the sulfates in the normal one – they make me stop breathing when I sleep with wet hair, and they greatly slow down my breathing and make it shallow if I’m awake. But this hypoallergenic one leaves my hair sort of sticky and unable to be combed. Plus, I’m washing it upside down in the sink. Putting the hair upside down causes it to tangle even more. I’m just going to wait for it to dry before I try again to comb it, and I will have to take a really long time, probably at home in the tent.

I never finished what I was saying about personality types. I was saying, you get along well with the perceivers/judgers in your own socionic quadra, relatively well, although there can still be some problems. You get along slightly less well with the judgers (since I’m a perceiver, I mean) in the two neighboring quadras – Gamma and Alpha. And there is the most tension with the judgers in the opposite quadra, Beta. The perceivers in all the quadras, I get along well enough with in a mixed group, but have experienced some problems with particular ones, usually if they are a smoker or drug user, or if they are reacting to other people in their quadra – I had horrible conflicts with the INFP superegos in the Beta quadra at Taco Bell, because they were obeying these insane, delusional, lunatic rules given to them by other Betas, the managers who were ISTJ, and the upper managers above them, and when INFPs are managers who are enforcing insane rules in an insane corporate culture, they are IMPOSSIBLE TO REASON WITH. And it wasn’t even those insane rules that were the problem, it was stupid little things, during moments of stress, but again, only because there were two INFPs who happened to be managers there, so they had the power to command other people to do things. Paul, the INFP at Maki Yaki, I don’t have any problems with at all, other than he sometimes inconveniences me by asking me to do something I don’t really want to do, but no big deal. I think he irritated Joseph a little bit the other day, commanding Joseph to do things when Joseph was busy doing his own thing.

Anyway, though, for the most part I usually get along well with a mixed group of all perceivers, but I wish I had more opportunities to test this, in a control group, with drug-free people. I only know that I feel some pain and anxiety every time a J type is talking to me and they make a new rule about something.

It’s just helplessness. I cannot control the people I’m with. I cannot control the corporate culture at the place where I work. I can’t tell anyone what I think and have anyone listen to me. I can’t be the one who decides how things are going to be done and what values we are going to have. So I have this desire to experiment with groups of people and see which mixes of people get along the best so that I will know that I can feel perfectly comfortable in the workplace and not suffer these little jabs of anger, anxiety, irritation, and frustration every day, every time someone announces some crazy new rule that we have to follow. FROM NOW ON EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW THIS INSANE NEW RULE. Okay! We love insane new rules!

I should stop griping and just eat my pizza. I’ll maybe try to play with GameMaker, or just read the internet for a while. At least I seem to be able to choke down my food today, thank goodness.

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