Jacob’s box, the lady at the tent, sorting stuff, the townspeople, food addiction

I don’t know why that previous blog there was saved as a draft instead of being sent. I don’t know what happened, so I sent it now, a day late.

The townspeople who I feel that I like tend to often be ISFP types from the Alpha quadra. They are more often long haired men. I just saw a guy at Burger King who had long hair and a beard, and from the way he was talking, he was an ISFP. The ‘real’ townspeople, as opposed to the Penn State students, are usually older, middle aged maybe, and less model-looking.

Random thoughts. I think that wheat and dairy are an addiction, not an actual hunger. I have experience with totally quitting all dairy products, sometime in the past, many years ago, and I go into withdrawal from them. Dairy contains opioid proteins. I think wheat is similar, but I don’t know what component of wheat is addictive, whether it’s a protein or an unnatural chemical added to them. Corn is addictive to me only if it’s factory farm corn. Organic corn isn’t addictive to me. Factory farm corn probably has neonicotinoids or whatever those chemicals are on it. I believe they are addictive – they contain nicotine. They claim they’re using it merely as a pesticide, but the real effect is to make people addicted to the nicotine added to their food.

I think a large part of my hunger is merely these addictions, and if I weren’t addicted to these foods, I would not be hungry. I always remember something I read in a book – what was that guy’s name? The guy who wrote ‘The World Until Yesterday.’ Jared Diamond. One of the people in the tribes was surprised when the white people insisted on having three or more meals every day. They were surprised at eating even once a day. They did not have hunger every day, because they were not addicted to the modern malnourishing foods. They ate real foods, like organ meats, oftentimes raw (if it’s the Inuit, and probably other grups). Those foods are healthy enough that you can probably go several days without eating after you eat them, just like most carnivorous animals do. Carnivorous animals do not eat every day.

This morning I heard a lady calling for her dog, and she came up the hill to my tent. The dog was eating a piece of food garbage I had thrown on the ground. I opened my tent door and talked to her. ‘Do you need any help?’ she said, all concerned. I don’t know if she went and called the police like that one guy did last December when I was there. I don’t know what will come of it.

The answer to that question, ‘Do you need any help?’…. I answered, ‘No, I’ve been doing this for a while now,’ to try to imply that I knew what I was doing. But the real answer is, I need so much help that this entire planet cannot provide it for me. And this society has no concept of the type of help that I need. Their concept of helping someone is entirely different from my concept of helping someone. The ‘help’ that they provide for me means forcing me to do hours and hours of paperwork, only to be rejected for some
technicality. That’s help.

Help me? Do you want to provide me with a few acres of land for me to live on, for free, where I can make changes to the land, such as building a permanent home out of local materials, sticks, and mud? That’s help. Free land is real help. Free land where I won’t be kicked off and I don’t have to pay taxes or a mortgage. That’s help. Do you have that in your back pocket, lady?

What? I have to explain my beliefs? I have to explain that I believe land ownership is wrong, mortgages are wrong, rent is wrong, taxes are wrong, people should live on the land for free? That’s insane. That doesn’t fit the ‘needy-person-needing-help’ paradigm in their brains. You mean, it isn’t helpful to give me a list of local agencies that I already know all about and am choosing not to go to, for my own reasons? What? I already know about those? But how could I possibly be camping if I already know that we have a homeless shelter and a dozen different churches and charities in town? Merely TELLING ME THEY EXIST is all that needs to be done to help me! I must be simply ignorant of them. I’m 42 years old, but I lived my whole life never hearing about the fact that the government provides food stamps for people.

This lady, at least, did not shove a bunch of charities down my throat right away. The police officers last year did give me a list of helpful services. It would be wrong to walk away from such a situation without providing a list of helpful services and all the numbers I must call. Do you know how much I hate making phone calls? I passionately hate making phone calls to agencies with every fiber of my body and soul. I passionately hate talking to the people who work at those agencies (with a few exceptions – one lady at the food stamps office seems like a nice person).

Do you want to fill out the paperwork for me? That’s real help. Do you want to drive your car back and forth to their office every time they demand some new piece of paper that I didn’t provide? Do you want to invent those pieces of paper by forgery so that I don’t have to bother hunting for them in my giant stacks of paper (which I am currently sorting through and throwing away)? That’s help. Do my paperwork, provide forged documentation so I don’t have to bother, and run back and forth to their office on my behalf because I don’t have a car and I have to take a bus. If you want some agency to help me, then do all the paperwork and all the communications with them for me. Helpful!

Tell them lies so that I can get more money from them, because, in my experience, telling the truth gets me very little. I’m getting $16 a month in food stamps right now, because I’m right at the very edge of the limit of people who are eligible – I only showed them my first month at Maki Yaki, when I was working a lot more hours, and, oops, because of my misfortune of living in a tent, I have no rent to pay, so I have no expenses (except tracfone cards). So they think I’m rolling in dough right now.

I buy all my food hot at restaurants because I have no fridge, but alas, food stamps are only for cold food, not hot food. I also have no stove. So I can’t cook or store any cold food at home. Hot food is much more expensive than buying food and making it from scratch at home. It’s also very unhealthy and I can’t get anything organic or grassfed, but beggars can’t be choosers! Burger King, every meal, every day! (almost), because it’s within walking distance. Do you have any government agencies that will pay me to eat at Burger King every day?

Oh – you want to get me to a house? Is it free? What, you can get me a ‘reduced rent’ apartment, based on my income? You mean, this ‘reduced’ rent is $500 or $600? (actually, I once was someplace whose reduced rent was $400, the same exact price I paid at another normal, non-charity apartment elsewhere). How is that doing me a favor? I now have to work at two jobs so that I can pay for this nice new reduced-rent apartment that you gave me, as a nice favor.

Oh – I’m supposed to go back to school and get a better job? … Don’t even get me started. Do you want to do all my schoolwork for me while I’m working at my two jobs to pay the reduced rent on this nice little apartment you gave to me so helpfully? And to pay the tuition for the school, unless I can get all kinds of grants and scholarships and stuff. The scholarship for homeless people – I’m eligible!

I’m ranting…..

I wrote a couple more random topics down I was going to mention. My old best friend, Rachael, who was my socionic dual – I believe that I was much more loving and benevolent towards the whole world, back when I had a best friend. Because I don’t have any best friends now, that makes me hate the whole world a lot more than I used to. I believe Rachael is probably the reason why I loved humanity more than I do now. If you have just one human being who is an outlet, then the injuries inflicted by the rest of the world don’t hurt as badly.

Jacob – sleeping in a little box surrounded by sleeping bags. I took a cardboard box, like I used to do last year when it got cold, and when I leave to go someplace, I wrap the entire cardboard box with all my sleeping bags and blankets. Then I put a little soft blanket in the bottom of it. It’s a sideways box, like a little cave. Jacob crawls inside it and sleeps warm as though he’s in the sleeping bag. That’s where he is right now. I piled some other blankets around the outside of it to prevent wind from blowing on him too much. The tent is still open at the front for him to get out. I am not leaving it unzipped, but rather, there is a little slit that I cut open, because the design of the door is such that I can’t really open it for him and leave a little slit unzipped – the door only goes vertically. The door on my other tent was round enough that it had a lower area that could be unzipped a little for him to go through. So he can still go to the bathroom.

During the night when I’m there, he crawls into the sleeping bag with me and sleeps by my side, adding to my heat, like a little hot water bottle. I am very comfortable. As I showed yesterday, I took the temperature in the tent first – 40 degrees – and then put the thermometer into my sleeping bag for a few minutes to show how warm it was inside the bags – 80 degrees, just from my body heat and being very well insulated under a whole bunch of layers.

Oh yeah, why am I not at work? I was planning to go to work today. She told me to come in on Monday. But they’ve been so extremely slow, as all the students are away for Thanksgiving, so they don’t need me. That’s why I’m not at work. I got up this morning, got dressed, made Jacob’s box, and was all ready to leave, and then I looked down at my phone and saw I had a text message saying I didn’t need to come in. So instead, I went to the other tent and sorted through things and made a few more bags of garbage. Something got done. SLOWLY, gradually, I am getting it done, and then spending hours de-stressing, as I’m doing now.

The wind just won’t stop howling. If only the wind stopped blowing, it wouldn’t feel so cold outside. It really is not that cold.

The reason I am thinking about things like food addiction is, I am not going to have any money next week, because I haven’t worked any hours. I also won’t have any food stamps. I have been saving a few dollars each week and hiding them at home so I can’t use them. My credit card is maxed out and I’m trying to pay a tiny bit of it every week with every paycheck. I can spend the money I saved at home – but all for what? I was trying to save money for some more important purpose than merely feeding myself during a week when I had no paycheck. The tiny bit of money I saved will be gone in an instant if I use it to buy food. I cannot save it for something more ambitious, such as a ticket to go visit Jesse.

I won’t be able to fly in a plane, because I still have more belongings than they will want me to take as baggage. And they’re not in suitcases. They want official suitcases, which are expensive – not garbage bags with soft items in them or oddly shaped items. I would also have to be anally probed with the same glove that was used for anal fisting the previous victim, because I am a terrorist who deserves to get AIDS.

However, I think trains might be more conceivable. But they will be expensive, and I have barely a couple hundred bucks saved – less than $300 (I don’t know exactly how much). It will be hard for me to figure out a way to derail the train from the tracks and drive it into a city full of people with my homemade nuclear dirty bomb, but surely there must be a way if I think really hard about it. I can get past these anti-terror measures somehow. I will have to make sure I get Jacob off the train before I derail it and nuke it, though, because he has nothing to do with this and he’s innocent.

I would love to ride a train. It’s perfect. It’s passive so I can look out the window and daydream, or write, or play a video game, unlike driving a car where I have to be fully awake the whole time. I can look at the countryside all the way. However, there is a chance that it will have extremely bad air, like the bus did. I figured out that the bus was making me sick, not because of motion sickness, but because some retarded lunatic designed the bus to have an air intake inside the engine where it pulls carbon monoxide straight from the engine into the cab where all the people are sitting. The entire air inside the bus was deadly poison, and I always had to get off at rest stops and just breathe, but if I sat next to the bus while it was idling, and I would get a whiff of the fumes, I would be sick again. I was so deathly sick and deathly nauseated for all the hours and hours of the bus ride, and I had a splitting headache for hours and hours after I got off the bus, and felt like I had gotten some brain damage. I am TOTALLY NOT KIDDING, the air inside the bus is deadly poison, straight from the engine fumes, because the bus is designed by retarded lunatics.

The same is true for airplanes. That is the reason why people get blood clots in their legs on flights – not from ‘sitting too long in one place,’ which is bullshit – I have spent days and weeks sitting and sleeping due to chronic fatigue and never once did I get a single blood clot in my legs. It’s from the engine’s fumes entering the cabin – that is what causes the blood clots. You cannot even ask why the designers of planes and buses decided to put the air ventilation intake inside the engine in a location full of fumes and carbon monoxide. There is no sane answer in any sane universe of decent, intelligent, competent human beings.

So, I have heard trains can have the same problem, but it’s because the smokestacks are at the front of the train, and the smoke is all falling backwards all down the whole length of the train, depending on what kind of train it is. I don’t know if they all make smoke, or how much.

Anyway…. I’m going to play Terraria a little bit, then decide what I’m going to do. I’m really getting closer and closer towards a ‘deciding point’ with my belongings. They are getting fewer and fewer. I am looking in the tent now and feeling like it’s getting closer and closer to a reasonable number of reasonably sized bags, and I know what’s in most of them now. In the beginning, it was dozens of bags all filled with mysteries, and the mysteries turned out to be years and years of junk paperwork, such as receipts and little notes to myself and pieces of unopened mail. I threw all that away. Now I can look at the bags and actually know what’s inside them. I like the clear garbage bags because that makes it even easier, but most of them are in black bags right now. I can only get the clear bags at Weis. I haven’t seen any other store that sells clear garbage bags. They are the best for storing things where I want to be able to see what’s in the bag.

I’m also getting closer to fulfilling all my achievements in Terraria, although it will take an extremely long time to do all the fishing quests. But all the other achievements are closer to being done. Then Terraria will be just for fooling around, at my own pace, as a way to soothe my anxiety whenever I need to.

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