the latest with Jesse

I just washed my hair in the sink with it still braided, because I don’t want to spend a long time combing out my hair afterwards, not right now. I’ll do that another day.

I want to start swimming at the YMCA, but that means I need a bathing suit with ‘boy shorts’ legs, the kind that extend down onto the thigh, so that I don’t have to shave my bikini line. I am finding these called ‘swimtard’ or ‘unitard’ or something like that, like a leotard. I found quite a few that were like what I wanted, but I don’t have the money to get them right now. I have so little money it’s ridiculous, and a lot of it is being spent on my phone bill.

I can’t buy the more expensive (but better deal) tracfone cards with more minutes on them – they really are a better deal – the more expensive they are, the less money per minute it costs, and it is a very significant difference with a large impact. I usually ignore ‘better deals,’ but in this situation, it matters. I just don’t have enough money to get more than the smallest possible cards at the moment.

But I also don’t have enough free time to really work on my house in the woods, either. I can only work on it for two days, during which I also have to run all my other errands and do the laundry.

THE LAUNDROMAT IS CLOSING, possibly in March. The guys next door at Monte Carlo Pizza told me the owner of the building will sell it and they have to move out sometime around March. Every laundromat where I kiss Jesse is cursed. The other one, the first one where we kissed for the first time while he was quite drunk and his grandmother was dying, that laundromat got turned into a Chinese restaurant. When this place closes, I will have nowhere to go, and will have to go a longer way to get to the laundromat, and that laundromat is
contaminated – I used it to wash ephedra-covered laundry, and I don’t trust it and can’t afford to test it on batches of laundry right now. I can’t buy more clothes when I have no money. Oh – I forgot – I was going to put up an ad asking for people’s clothes. I need some junk clothes. I need to do a decon, desperately.

I can’t lose this fat. I have a fat belly and it won’t go away. I can’t decontaminate. I am praying it’s not caused by the proximity to the hopniss plant, which is a protease inhibitor. I can’t do a decon and I can’t stop eating heavy metal-contaminated rice every day at work, which I had to do at Kaarma and I have to do here at Maki Yaki. We don’t have organic, metal-free rice. We have normal rice, which causes obesity. So I cannot experiment with avoiding rice to see if my fat goes away when I stop eating heavy metals.

So I want to go swimming at the YMCA partly to see if it helps me lose fat. It will probably do nothing whatsoever, though.

What happened with Jesse: as of right now, he doesn’t have to start his punishment just yet. But I think he still isn’t able to eat at the DEFAC and doesn’t have any more money. I want to call them on the phone and ask them what the hell is going on and how can they take away BOTH his paycheck and also his right to eat food at the DEFAC.

He went to the doctor with a suicide plan. He said he was sitting there making peace with God about what he was about to do, and planning to use his gun and blow his brains out, and then he suddenly got a call from somebody on the phone asking him if he was all right, and he said no, he wasn’t, and he asked them to take him to the counselor or whatever it is. He said he felt better after talking about it. He’s humiliated, he can’t tell his family, he says they will disown him, he lost his Christmas leave and can’t come home even though he already bought a plane ticket, he may or may not be getting kicked out of the army – he thought he was, but he said maybe not, and he thought it would be a dishonorable discharge, but he says they’re considering finding a way to make it honorable somehow.

So I am talking on the phone to him almost every day, which is why I’m running out of tracfone minutes so much. I still have a couple other tracfones, but the one that has a lot of minutes on it is an LG phone, which stands for ‘lousy garbage,’ and you can’t hear or be heard on it if there is the slightest bit of background noise, although I could hear pretty well on it last night in the dead silence around 2am when there were no cars driving on the road and no crickets chirping.

That’s a neat thing that I notice while camping – the moment when the crickets stop chirping. The crickets are noisy all summer long, but one day in the fall, they stop and it becomes utterly silent at nighttime. I like that silence. That’s one reason why I love camping. I don’t want to merely say ‘camping.’ Living in the woods without electricity or noisy televisions and without walls that block me from hearing and seeing all that goes on outdoors.

I have to start getting ready to leave soon – I’m working at 3pm. I was so tired I could hardly get out of bed. I was cleaning the floor at work the other day when we were very slow and had little to do, and I might have encountered pesticides, because I was very fatigued the next day. Pesticides are usually sprayed in corners, under things, and along the walls. As usual, it didn’t occur to me that this could happen until it was too late.


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