I was going to go to church today but I was sick

11:28 AM 10/30/2016

I had been planning to go to the UU church this morning, but I was sick, so I slept in. I don’t have to go to work until 3:30 or 4:00, although I want to leave early so that I can wash my hair before work. If I had some kind of hat I wouldn’t need to wash my hair. I used to just wear my hat over it at McDonald’s.

However, I hate all hats, passionately. I did see one that was a food service hat without a hat brim, and it wasn’t too bad – it was made of soft fabric, not made out of baseball hat fabric. I am not joking, all baseball hats are the stupidest, ugliest, foulest things on earth and that is the last hat on earth that I would ever want to wear.

In reality, I do not need a hat, but I work with people who have commented about my hair not being washed. These people have been brainwashed to believe that all hair must be kept perfectly washed at all times using any means necessary, and if it is not washed, something needs to be done about it. A long time ago, I believed the same, but I have been through many experiences since then, and I have changed.

I just have some kind of a cold. My nose is stuffy and I’m more tired than usual. Jacob has been sneezing.

I am lying naked in the dim, slanted sun with my tent door open, on a pile of blankets, as I type this. The thermometer above me says it is almost 80 degrees. Today is October 30th. This is a bit odd, I think.

I wish I could write about what’s bothering me. I am having a problem at work. The problem is really socionics. I just don’t like this person’s way of doing things. I preferred the ways I was taught to do things in the beginning, and not merely because I learned them first. They are more convenient for me in many ways. Also, I liked the way they were presented to me better. A new person has come in, my socionic supervisee – one of the not-so-good relations, although it’s usually okay on the social level – I can have good conversations with this person, but I don’t like being told what to do by him. I don’t like his way of doing things and don’t like it that he’s coming in here and trying to change all our procedures and telling everyone to do everything differently.

I actually got very angry the other day when someone else told me to do something differently than I usually did it, differently than the way I had originally been shown how to do it. I’m not sure why I was able to get that angry over such a small thing, but it could have been the beginning of PMS – I am starting to just barely feel a small amount of menstrual cramping. It was a much stronger anger than was justified under the circumstances. I actually felt an adrenaline rush. Also, I am getting exposed to tobacco every time I go to the laundromat, because people smoke in the bathrooms, and that’s where I have to wash my hair and take my sink baths. So tobacco is definitely an influence, and it’s also the reason why my caffeine cravings are still going on – tobacco causes me to crave caffeine. Tobacco also causes me to have irritable moods.

I am not just anti-differentness or anti-change. I don’t mind changes of how we do things, if they are presented to me by the right person in the right way (for me – I don’t mean there is such thing as an objective ‘right way’ for everybody), and if there is a reason for them that I agree with. If I do not agree with the reason for doing things this way, and if I do not agree with the consequences and the values of doing it that way, then I am very reluctant to start doing it that way.

Some of it is the values behind it. I don’t value the same things they value, in the same way.

There are a few times when I have learned something from someone that made it easier. For instance, I once saw Mike washing the cucumbers in a particular container that they all fit into easily. So I started using that same container afterwards. It was kind of like ‘Oh, I won’t get in trouble if I use that one? Okay.’

I don’t know why, but for some reason, I have a hard time getting a different kind of container for a task than the one that I’m accustomed to using. If that particular kind of container isn’t available, then I am confused for several minutes, but there is a reason for this – it’s partly because I am afraid that somebody is going to jump on me and tell me that I’m doing it wrong. I do not feel that I have the freedom and safety to just do whatever is necessary to get the task done, in whatever way I want to get it done. So I am afraid of using the wrong kind of container or the wrong kind of tools and having someone stop me in the middle of what I’m doing and telling me to do it a different way than I am doing it. I’m not sure if this fear actually was given to me at this particular restaurant, or at some other job I had in the past.

It’s also because the task that I am doing is pointless and based on an irrational germ phobia, and if the entire task that I am doing is pointless, then maybe people are going to have pointless and irrationally phobic requirements about what kind of container I am allowed to use. The cucumbers come to us individually wrapped in plastic. We have to cut them open, and then wash them with vegetable sanitizer, and then peel them, and then slice them with the mandolin (a little device that cuts them into thin strips or ‘julienne’). These are for the sushi.

Because they are for the sushi, and sushi is raw, and they have irrational phobias about germs associated with raw foods, we have to be extremely careful about how we handle the cucumbers while sanitizing them, which is one reason why I was afraid I might get in trouble for using some other kind of container that wasn’t
specifically designed for sushi-related foods and cucumbers, and I was always struggling to sanitize them in small containers that they didn’t fit into, because those containers were used for sushi-related products.

I am too tired to go on a giant rant about where germs come from in reality, and when they are dangerous and when they are not dangerous. At Kaarma restaurant, I once had a bowl of food sitting at the edge of the sink. Agustin, of all people, lifted a container with dripping raw chicken blood over my bowl of food and put it into the sink. Afterwards, I came back and saw the drops of chicken blood going over my food (and it was mixed with this other stuff that they use for seasoning, so it was easier to see, but I knew raw chicken blood was in there). I just scooped them off with a spoon as well as I could, and then ate the food. I had a small amount of diarrhea later on, which happened only once and then was gone. I am not worried about germs.

There are things that I do worry about, but it depends on the situation. I am not the least bit concerned about what is on our cucumbers and what surfaces our cucumbers touch before they get on the sushi, unless it is something egregiously disgusting, like a dirt-covered floor with gross filth on it. ‘Gross filth’ means ‘large visible objects,’ like rocks and wads of hair, truly disgusting stuff. And there are people and animals who eat foods that have gross filth on them and they either spit it out or swallow it, which is too much for me personally, but they survive.

People have been taught that ‘raw foods’ are all deadly, especially raw meat. Fish contains PARASITES, not germs. Parasites are the most important thing you will experience while eating raw meats and raw fish, and I don’t get noticeable parasites from our fish. Those are already in the fish before it reaches us. They are trivial and nonlethal. If you would get a fish-covered surface that theoretically had a parasite capsule on it, and then put other raw foods on it, and then eat those raw foods, so that you would have a fish parasite when you were only eating a sushi that contained vegetables and you weren’t anticipating a fish parasite from eating vegetables, the effects would be so trivial you would not even notice them.

99.99999999999% of people aren’t aware of getting parasites and aren’t able to distinguish the difference between a normal, unexplained, general, vague ‘I feel sick’ versus being able to describe all the nuances of all the sensations of parasites digging into their intestines and traveling through their bloodstream to various parts of their body, as I myself am able to describe and observe. I have experienced it, I can describe it, it is uncomfortable, it is unpleasant, and it is NONLETHAL AND TEMPORARY in such small
quantities.

I have eaten raw meat for testing purposes, raw grass-fed beef without hormones or antibiotics, just to see what kind of parasites are in it, and I did get parasites. I ate only a few small bites of meat. I couldn’t sleep that night because I could feel parasites digging around in me causing uncomfortable sensations, and they are not merely in the intestines, they go all over the body into places where they don’t belong. This lasts for a few hours, and it will cause you to lose sleep that night. Then it goes away, you survive, and you go back to normal. It may reawaken again a few weeks later, because the parasites seem to lay eggs that take a few weeks to hatch – that is my theory for why they suddenly reawaken again sometimes. So you may have another sleepless night of these sensations. Then you go back to normal and it never happens again. All you have to do is endure it and it goes away.

It can kill you if you eat a large amount of meat that contains trichinosis, and this will usually be an animal that has been eating other animals. It killed some people who made cougar jerky. I don’t know if the jerky was raw or cooked, but I only know this is an example of what can happen. Some people in Nunavut or somewhere also died of botulism from eating a whale that had been lying on the beach already dead before they found it. They didn’t kill the whale, it had died of some other cause, and its body had enough time to start filling up with botulin toxin, because the inside of the body had no exposure to oxygen.

It does seem strange to me that they got botulism from that, and I don’t know what part of the body they ate, but again, this was a story I read. So there are a few circumstances where you can actually die from something you eat, either from parasites or bacteria. Botulism is the worst germ, and all the other germs are trivial in comparison. Listeria, they say, can kill you, and people get listeria from drinking PASTEURIZED MILK which has been cooked to allegedly kill bacteria, but the disgusting conditions that milk is produced in give it so much bacteria that merely cooking the milk is apparently not enough to magically fix everything.

The only thing we have that is truly dangerous (on EXTREMELY RARE OCCASIONS) is our scallions. Scallions have a physical structure that catches mud in between the leaves which is hard to wash out. This mud comes from a field which is the very essence of ‘unsanitary
conditions,’ because they are grown on a conventional factory farm. Human feces are used as fertilizer on these fields, and also animal feces, and liquid hog manure. I do not believe in using any form of manure as a fertilizer on fields. Manure is something that should just dry up and be left wherever it sits, and let it fertilize the fields in that manner. It should not be all collected together, because animals aren’t supposed to be confined in a location where their manure is easy to collect into a huge pile. They are supposed to roam in the fields, where their manure will be scattered all over the place, hard to collect. It’s fine when it fertilizes a field by being scattered all over the field and left there to dry out on its own. It is NOT okay when it’s all collected from confined animals and put into a pool of water where it is left to fester and grow more bacteria in a warm liquid environment, the worst possible place for bacteria.

And so, for that reason, people have gotten extremely sick by eating RAW VEGETABLES, in things like salads – salad lettuce, the most harmless thing you can imagine, or raw scallions, because they have human sewage and liquid hog manure thrown on them and it goes into those little crevices in the scallions. If your scallions are grown in a manure-free environment (again, I seriously am opposed to ALL MANURE OF ANY KIND being used to grow food – it doesn’t belong there, and some other substance should be used, such as the leafy mulch from the floor of a forest) then they’re perfectly safe.

I do not have the location or tools where I can effectively wash the scallions. I would need an object with holes in it, but not a sieve – it needs to be a large flat surface, not a small round surface. I do not actually care about this very much and I am only being a devil’s advocate to make a point – they are worrying like crazy about the things that aren’t dangerous, while totally oblivious to one of the things that has actually made people sick in reality. And merely rinsing the outside surface with sanitizer would do nothing. The overlapping leaves of the scallions need to be dismantled on this large surface with holes in it, and then sprayed so that the mud washes out and down through the holes. If you don’t get the mud out of the crevices, then merely rinsing sanitizer over the external surfaces will do absolutely nothing. I have been able to effectively spray the hose into those crevices and get some of the mud out, but the best thing to do would be to actually source our scallions from suppliers that never, ever use any form of human sewage or manure on the fields.

The only reason they don’t worry about this is because the scallions are cooked. But we do use some scallions as a garnish. Again, I’m totally being devil’s advocate because I absolutely do not care about this and don’t even think it’s a real danger. The amount of scallions used raw as garnish is extremely small. I’m just demonstrating that the things they worry about, and the things they overlook, are out of balance and extremely tilted towards worrying about unnecessary things that are not a danger. Cucumbers don’t have any crevices to catch mud (and human feces). They are smooth objects, and they don’t lie down on the ground – they hang on the plants. Maybe they do lie on the ground, I don’t know. But they have no crevices to catch anything, so even if a listeria-filled AIDS-infested leper pooped directly on top of a cucumber, it would be easily washed off with a little bit of water. And then we peel them anyway.

The point is, people should not use manure in any form whatsoever to fertilize fields, because they are incapable of doing it right. There is such thing as a right way to use manure. If you had solid, dried out manure that had been left exposed to the air, all by itself, not collected in a pool of warm water, and if it had time to dry out and age, then yes, maybe it would be suitable, but they never, ever do it that way.

I’m hungry and grouchy and I need to take a bath and I was too sick to get up and go to church today. I really wanted to try to go to the UU church. I just felt like a train ran over me when I got up. I still don’t feel all that great even though it’s 80 degrees and I’m lying in the sun.

It’s a year for deer ticks. I have never, ever, ever, ever
encountered so many deer ticks at any time in my entire life, never. I have found dozens and dozens of them. They have been crawling on me and I have seen them crawling up the fabric of the tent. Jacob has had a few ticks too, but I’m accustomed to seeing them on the animals. I have been bitten by two of them, which means I now have two itchy spots that are going to remain big itchy lumps for many months, up to a year. They disappear slightly, but then reappear every time I get sick – every time my immune system is activated.

Thankfully I am not paranoid about Lyme disease. I believe what I read – that the only thing that causes you to get the symptoms of Lyme disease is if you get vaccinated against it. If you get Lyme disease, it is a silent disease with no symptoms. If you get vaccinated, it makes your immune system overreact to it, so you get horrible symptoms. I’m going with that theory. I am doing nothing at all to treat the tick bites, just leaving them alone. I didn’t even try to wash them with any kind of disinfectant. I just let them go.

This is why I do not really accept the label of myself as a
‘hypochondriac.’ I am a highly sensitive person who observes and comments upon all of my symptoms and sees the connections between something I did, and a symptom I experienced. That is not the same thing at all as being petrified with helpless terror every time I get the slightest bit sick. Being terrified, versus making an
observation, are two completely different things. If I were terrified, then I would be going to the doctor all the time and demanding medicine and I would be taking every single over-the-counter drug in existence. I never even use cold medicine to treat a cold.

I could actually relate to the book ‘Science and Health’ or whatever it’s called, by Mary Baker Eddy (socionics type ESTP-SLE), which inspired the Christian Science religion. I haven’t read the whole book, I just dabbled in it a bit. Basically the point of that book is that if you just ignore the overwhelming majority of minor illnesses and injuries, they will just go away, and that even includes some illnesses that are rather serious or sometimes deadly. I do not use this as evidence that ‘prayer works,’ but rather, that most illnesses and minor injuries are nonlethal.

It might be possible to use your own mind to mentally fight a disease, but not in an environment where we are being constantly bathed in unnatural electromagnetic waves that interfere with our brains and bodies. I do not disagree entirely with the premise that ‘prayer works’ just as ‘meditation works’ to cure disease. It might indeed. I cannot do it because I am being zapped with electromagnetic attacks every couple seconds. Maybe if I were not, I, too, would be able to cure my own illnesses using my mind.

She also says in that book that doctors have caused more deaths than war and any other horrors that happen to us on this earth, and I agree with that, too. I have seen other authors who say the same thing in modern times.

I guess I need to get up and get ready to leave. I’m going to wash my hair today. I need some kind of head covering, but the type of head covering that I want isn’t sold in the stores around here. I would have to make it or buy it online. I just want a piece of fabric wrapped over my head so that nobody is able to complain about the fact that my hair isn’t washed.

It’s eighty degrees and I’m still lying naked in the sun, although it’s going through the leaves now and isn’t hitting me as directly as it was before. Why should I have to get up and go to work today? I need to work for myself. I would be working on a different schedule, but they already told me I could not have those days off. I need to have three or four days in a row. Paul is also saying exactly the same thing – he doesn’t want to work full time, he wants to have a lot of days off. I totally, completely agree with everything he has said about this, and I have done the same thing in the past when I worked at McDonald’s and Taco Bell, where they have enough people that you are able to be gone and someone will cover you. These are
non-specialized jobs where they don’t really need a specific expert with a specific skill. Cooking at this particular restaurant is slightly more specialized – they need to know particular things, although one thing I like about what Dave is doing is, he’s demanding that everything be written down so that you can see the recipe somewhere. I like that too. It should be clear to everyone how stuff is done.

Okay, I’m getting up now. I don’t want to.

Where is this going? I told John I wasn’t moving out of Pennsylvania just yet. I’m not leaving, I’m staying. How long? Until when? How will I keep Jacob warm? I know I can stay warm, but I need to protect Jacob when it gets cold. I’m not the problem. He is. I have already slept in the winters three times. I use a large number of sleeping bags inside each other, and large amounts of that foam insulation for camping, sometimes stuffed inside my sleeping bag with me so the foam insulation is around me directly. It works great. But a cat needs something he can go inside of easily and he can’t pull blankets over himself. I do leave the tent door open a bit and he goes in and out, but that’s not enough – he must be warm inside the tent.

Okay, I’m leaving now. But I need to know: how is this going to end? Where am I going with this? And when?

*********
Okay, I’m at Sheetz now. What I mean is, I know there will be a time of crisis. I won’t be able to get Maki Yaki to agree to my needs, which means I will have to quit or be fired, because as it gets colder, my situation will become an emergency, and I will need more free time to take action to make my tent livable. I will need to put insulation around it or make something for Jacob to get into. I only know, there will be a crisis in the next couple of months, because I will desperately need more time off. I compromised by letting them make me work that extra day, but I really needed three days off in a row. Soon, it will matter – I will be worrying about doing what needs to be done to get settled for the winter.

I should have been here all year long. I should not have been at Mike & Eric & Jason’s house. If I had been here all spring and all summer, I would have had plenty of time to build my stick house. But then again, I was working at Kaarma, so I had absolute zero free time during that period. I should have been here even earlier than that. By now, I should have been hunting and gathering. I live in WALNUT SPRINGS PARK. There are WALNUTS here. Walnuts are edible and extremely nutritious. I could eat walnuts and squirrels!

And now, all of a sudden, I’m here right in the fall, during a time when I have a non-ideal schedule, working just a little too much at a job where I feel like I am sort of persona non grata, I’m not welcome. I wondered why all of a sudden people were sort of turning against me. I don’t know what happened. ‘They’ suggested that possibly I had been accused of stealing. I am not stealing, and in fact, if there was anyone stealing, I would think it was Suk, not me. Maybe she’s the one who accused me of stealing. I have no idea, this is just something ‘the voices’ suggested might be going on. People have been making things disappear, stupid little things, like the papers that all the recipes were written on, and some small soup bowls, and someone broke the brand new sprayer on the faucet. It’s really helpful to have a sprayer on that particular faucet for various reasons. Suk broke it on a day when she was using the sink and people kept changing it back to the shower sprayer setting when she wanted it on the regular spray setting. Then somebody broke the new one on the very first day we were using it. Was Suk there that day? I don’t know.

Well, it’s pouring rain now and everything will be soaked at home. I have a place where the tarp over the tent needs to be adjusted because it’s letting too much rain around the edge of the tent near where the door is, so the spray from the rain is getting in the door where Jacob’s cat flap is open. I can’t shut the door all the way. Everything is in plastic bags in the tent, but still, the sleeping bags in particular get wet underneath. I can still sleep in them, especially when it’s this hot outside.

‘Goldenberries’ are not edible by themselves. They need to be treated like a sundried tomato – used mixed with other foods in cooking, in the same way you would use sundried tomatoes. They need to be chopped into smaller pieces, because one goldenberry is too much sourness for one mouthful. It’s like a tomato with a little bit of sugar in it, basically. I bought them out of curiosity. I can see that they are a tomato because they have a green tomato paper wrapping around them in the picture, just like Japanese lanterns or whatever they’re called. I bought a whole bunch of dried fruits and nuts and some different kinds of meat sticks. I bought dried mulberries, too, and they’re really good this time. I’m glad I tried them again. I bought a particular brand elsewhere, and they had a disgusting smell, very similar to dried saliva, like when you’re kissing someone and getting spit all over your face. It smelled like that. I don’t know why. I couldn’t eat them and I got rid of them, although the mouse in the bedroom at Black Bear Lane liked them when I put them on the floor. This time, the different brand of organic mulberries from Turkey (just like the last ones – organic white mulberries from Turkey, but different brand) don’t smell like dried saliva, they smell like nothing in particular, just berries. I can eat them and they are very good.

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