The hole in the ground, the clay pot, and the fire

7:38 PM 10/13/2016

I’m at the laundromat right now. I’m washing my work clothes, my coat, and also the pillows that are completely covered with mold. I’ve been sleeping on those pillows with a blanket over top of them and not having any major problems. Those were the same pillows I slept on when I had pertussis last winter, too, so they still have all the leftover dried up pertussis germs on them.

I am having a strange feeling that I love life and that I am happy. That’s not the only feeling I have. But I do love being in the woods. I don’t have enough time to spend there, because I spend so much time working. I had today off.

On Tuesday, my other day off, I dug a hole in the ground. It was only a small hole.

I have a lot to say and all of it is flooding into my brain now. I can’t write it fast enough.

I’m compromising. I really want to use only primitive handmade tools, but I am using a metal shovel. This is my transition. Nobody is expected to just jump into the woods without any tools and make them all from scratch the very first time. People grow up in a community where other people have already made the tools, even if they live in a stone age community. So I am forgiving myself for compromising and using modern tools during transition.

I still haven’t done the things I need to do. I need to kill an animal with a crossbow. I can’t pull back a regular bow. I could use an atlatl – a spear thrower – they say atlatls are able to be used by women and children. But a crossbow is easiest to obtain, and I would forgive myself during the transition to a primitive life.

I should have been here all along. I should have gone back to the woods immediately after winter was over this year, way back in March. I didn’t because at that time, I was suffering terrible fatigue caused by pesticide contamination from McDonald’s and was unable to get out of bed for months.

On Tuesday, I dug a small hole in the woods. I dug up clay. I dug out some large rocks and removed them. I didn’t go very deep.

There are many reasons why I need to dig holes. This is like playing Terraria, and now I want to play Terraria again. I don’t have my mouse with me at the moment – it’s in the tent, the storage tent – I saw it the other day when I was looking through there but didn’t grab it. I should have. I will next time I go in there.

I need the clay underground. It is a useful material. It is right below the surface. The surface is a couple inches of dark black topsoil, because I am in the woods, which has been left alone for a while, so it is all the rotten fallen leaves, sticks, and logs, which are being eaten by worms and kept moist at all times. It is the best quality humus, wonderful stuff.

The clay can be made into things, I don’t know what. It could be made into pots. It could be made into bricks. It could be used to seal the spaces between the sticks and logs of a house. It could be made into a wall. I can use it for washing my hair. I want to try that sometime, but I cannot do it in a normal shower, because all the clay will go down the drain. I tried washing my hair in the woods the other day with creek water, but it was so cold that the water pouring on my head caused agonizing, unbearable pain. It was utterly intolerable. I will just wash my hair in the sink with hot water from now on. When I used to wash my dreadlocks in the creeks, I wasn’t pouring a whole lot of water directly onto my head.

Today, I was about to go sort through the stuff in the storage tent, but instead I spontaneously went to the hole and started playing with clay. I made a clay pot. I brought up my gallon jug of creek water and mixed it with the clay. The clay pot was just experimental, to learn how the clay behaves. I already know you cannot make a strong clay pot with nothing but clay. It should be mixed with some kind of fiber, or it will crack and fall apart.

Then I decided to make a fire in the hole in the ground. I haven’t made fires in the woods before. I only made a fire in the grill at Slab Cabin Park a few years ago. I haven’t been making fires because it’s not allowed in the woods where I am camping, and it will draw attention to where I am, and people could come find me. If I were far away from my camp while making a fire, that would be different, but I was right next to my camp. It points directly to my camp’s location.

I cheated again, using modern materials. I used a lighter and lit a candle. The word ‘candle’ sounds like ‘kindle’ because they are the same thing – you can use a candle to kindle a fire. I love
candlelight. I bought this candle – again, a compromise – at a local store in town. It’s made of toxic chemicals. I would prefer a candle made of beeswax or tallow, all natural, with no colors or perfumes. Inhaling toxic chemicals from candles causes heart attacks. The smoke and chemicals go into your lungs and then into your bloodstream.

Then I used these firestarter things that I have had for years and have kept sealed shut inside several ziploc bags and kept it outdoors, never in the tent, because they have some foul, intense, disgusting perfume which is so strong it goes right through all the layers of plastic. They’re just a big cup shaped thing of wax with a paper wrapper around the edge, basically another candle. I used those to start the fire.

The fire was made from only a few small broken sticks. I was able to find some that were pretty dry, although it rained recently and everything is always wet at Walnut Springs Park, as it’s a wetland. The soil is constantly wet there.

The fire started successfully after I shifted the logs around a little bit. Then I watched it for several minutes. Mostly, it was just the burning wax from the firestarter, and not a real fire, but some of the smaller twigs were actually burning for real. There was enough smoke that people would be able to see.

I only let it go for a few minutes. I attempted to put my clay pot onto the fire to see if it would dry. The clay pot was already having some issues and was cracking and collapsing. It was only a practice pot, and I have plenty of clay, so I wasn’t concerned. Then I put out the fire after a few minutes of worrying about who might see it or smell it. I piled all the dirt over top of the fire. I also destroyed the clay pot in the process but I don’t mind, I can make more of them.

This was sort of symbolic of my getting pregnant for a day or two and then losing the baby.

I’m happy to be outdoors. The tent is cozy. When I sleep, I am inside many blankets and sleeping bags. I am warm. Jacob curls up with me and stays warm. I have my thermometer in the tent so I can see how cold it is in there. The tent is too small and my stuff is disorganized. I really need more room in a more open space so that I can find everything and use everything easily. I need a real house, a solid house, made of sticks, logs, stones, and dirt.

I have fresh air in the woods, and this makes a huge difference in how I feel. I should have done this months ago. I should have been there all summer long and all spring. I should have been there unemployed, spending only the money from my tax refund, instead of staying in the house at Black Bear Lane with chronic fatigue unable to get out of bed and unable to hunt for a job.

I have peanut butter and jelly, with hamburger buns, from the local convenience store, because they were out of regular bread. I hate that kind of food, but I need something to keep at room temperature. You’re not supposed to keep jelly at room temperature, so I’m going to find out what happens when you do. I have a feeling jelly was actually designed to be kept at room temperature. It will probably get moldy faster, but for a few days, it will be okay.

It is a happy life to be in the woods again, but I am lonely. I need a community of people who agree with me.

Maybe I’ll do a google search for what happens when you keep jelly at room temperature.

The tick bite is visible above my nipple. It’s a big red itchy dot. I had the same thing happen before, down on my lower right abdomen. The tick bite was there for MONTHS, maybe even a whole year, before it finally disappeared, and it would often start itching again, after having become inactive for a long time. It’s definitely something very nasty. But I have no Lyme disease symptoms. I’ve already got chronic fatigue syndrome. That’s how I learned about Lyme disease in the first place, researching that. I’m not gonna panic and get vaccinated for Lyme disease because I believe it really is true what I read: if you do nothing, and simply ignore it, there will be no problems, but if you go and get vaccinated for it, that will aggravate it, cause a problem, and cause you to get full blown Lyme disease with all the symptoms. I’m not worried about it.

I need to fall in love and have a baby. My ovulation will pass without a chance to get pregnant this month. I don’t have anyone who is in process to have sex with me. My coworkers – I don’t have any huge crushes on anyone at the moment. I was under the influence of transdermal drug residues from Aunt Jeannie’s boyfriend, who appears to be using some kind of antidepressant or something, I’m guessing – I didn’t ask, I only noticed it afterwards – and so, for several days, I was extra friendly and I seemed to be flirting with people.

I’m not using ginseng anymore, and the ginseng was another thing that caused me to sexually attract people. It was the main reason why I was able to get Agustin’s attention at Kaarma.

I’m not as comfortable as I need to be – I need to build
infrastructure. I need to build a home, I need to set up ways of doing things, such as ways to get hot water, ways to make a fire and keep it hidden, ways to store food, ways to dry food, ways to process food, all of those things. I need a workshop where I can build things. If I made all of that, I would have a comfortable home. I could even install solar panels. I would have to put them up in the trees.

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