Running into random people and saying goodbye to them

I accidentally found Jim from Taco Bell – he is working at Panera now. I just wanted something to eat, went into Panera (a different one than I usually went into when I was eating lunch there), and found him. So I gave him a hug and we chatted a bit and I told him I was probably going to leave town, but it was still undecided yet, just somewhere south and warmer.

I also saw Suzanne from Taco Bell the other day when I went to Weis, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was leaving town. She is a sweet, mousy old lady whose socionic type I do not know, but she is some relative of Christy (ESE-ESFj) from McDonald’s. I would have told her, but I was sort of hoping to catch the bus – that was a ridiculous hope, because the bus that I got off of was only going around a short little loop at the end of its route and then going back in again, and I would have like less than five minutes to catch it unless I sprinted across the parking lot with my broken hip joints. So I theoretically could have stayed a lot longer and told Suzanne I was leaving town. That’s the day when I ended up walking a long way back into town because I didn’t feel like waiting another whole hour for the next bus.

On that same day when I was walking back into town I also saw some stranger who seemed to acknowledge me or might have even waved at me. He had a mustache, and they always say that men with mustaches are police or detectives (the Amish don’t have mustaches because they associate them with military). I think this person was in an undercover cop car, or something – I forget what exactly.

I drove around today, but didn’t feel relaxed enough or safe enough to really explore a lot. I wasn’t confident about driving, so I stuck to very familiar roads. I went to Belleville, where a lot of Amish people live.

Then I was trying to identify what kind of landscapes I like, and how I feel about farms. I really like areas where there are a lot of small details and changes, like small farms with little hills, but I don’t like larger areas where it’s a huge giant valley filled with nothing but corn for miles. I prefer the hobbit-like landscapes, where the houses are closer together.

I was trying to figure out why anybody would want to live in an isolated farm house with no neighbors for miles, instead of small houses that were close together so that you could visit people, and I was talking out loud to myself (a luxury that I have while driving a car, along with crying – if I ever need to scream and cry, then driving a car is the way to do it), and I said, ‘Well, it would be nice if you were molesting your children (implying any and all evil things that people might be doing behind closed doors, child abuse, domestic violence, serial killing, anything), but not nice if you want to be able to visit your neighbors’ or something to that effect, and the voices said ‘if you’re murdering people,’ and then they pointed out that people slaughtered animals on the farms, which was why a farm had to be far away from anyone who could hear anything.

I look at these images and I want to fully immerse myself in the image I see, to become one with the image, but I cannot fully do it. I have a longing to do it, to fully see what I am seeing, fully feel what I am touching. I loved it during that hour or so when I was suddenly able to smell every smell, when I got pregnant, although for some reason, this amazing superpower faded away. Being suddenly able to smell everything is, indeed, a symptom of pregnancy, and it was so weird and so unusual, it would be worthwhile to give this superpower to males so that they could experience it, so we would give them a dose of synthetic HCG so they could feel how it is to be pregnant. Being able to smell also made me able to feel emotions again. I was filled with joy and wonder at every second of existence, just walking down the street and smelling every single thing that was near me. Normally I only smell things that are extremely strong.

I also thought about Jesse. I thought of whether I have any unfinished business with him. I really don’t know. I would have to let him go, for the most part, if I left this town. I’d still be a friend, of course, but it would be inconvenient to ever see him at all, since he only comes home on Christmas. If I visited him, yeah, it would be possible to do.

I remembered a time when he and I rode in his car to the place where he was working, where he worked at a sawmill or something, where they assembled those triangle things that you put into the roofs of houses and barns. I forget what he called them – ‘trusses.’ That was it. On the way home we listened to clips from the TV show ‘Supernatural’ on his phone – I had never watched it before and had no idea what it’s about, but I ended up liking it. I just never watch it because it’s kind of hard to get it on my computer and I am usually doing other things, and it’s too sad to watch it alone when I associate it with Jesse.

I had this longing to join with Jesse, to merge with him, to be part of his life, to be him, to know what he knows, to remember his past. I feel that desire for every person I fall in love with. But with most people, it is impossible to do, and it is only a fascination, a desire that I cannot satisfy. If I really love someone I want to know all the music they like, and I like everything they like, and I learn new things to like that I didn’t like before. If they have an interest that I didn’t have before, I learn to be interested in it along with them. I felt like I barely scratched the surface of knowing Jesse and learning from him.

I don’t know what type his girlfriend is or whether she is his dual, but I hope they are able to stay together, and if not, I hope he can find someone else.

I do need to take a nap if I am going to be doing stuff after dark.

I still have a lot more goodbyes to do and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

In Guatemala, they have real thatched huts, small houses with roofs made of palm leaves or whatever those leaves are, or sticks. I saw this on the google maps street view. I saw some really interesting things there. That’s the best place to see the best pictures and get a feel for what it’s like somewhere.

I was thinking of retiring in a tropical paradise, on an island, where I would fish for my food.

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