A very unlucky day!

10:44 PM 10/1/2016

Today was just wrong in every possible way.

It’s been pouring rain for several days and it’s very depressing, so dark and gray. I got up and went to the bus, but then saw that the bus was several minutes late – then I remembered, the bus doesn’t run on Saturday! I’ve had several incidents of trying to catch the bus, then realizing it doesn’t run, partly because I’ve switched over to a new Tracfone. The old tracfone, they told me, wouldn’t work anymore, because they’re changing the network in a way that will not be compatible with an old 2G phone. So I had to get a new phone and keep the old phone number, but I hate the new phone – it’s an LG, which stands for ‘Lousy Garbage,’ and I can’t hear people when I talk on it – it cuts out when I talk. So I no longer try to use the ‘reminders’ feature on the phone because it’s harder to use on the new one, so I no longer have a reminder telling me every week that there won’t be a bus on Saturday.

So I called a taxi and tied my bike to the bus stop sign to leave it there. The taxi people told me they were on their way. A minute later, I looked up and saw the bus coming. Wait a minute!!! I forgot. The bus DOES run on Saturday, it just doesn’t run as early in the morning. It used to be a problem when I went to Kaarma because I had to be there before 10:00am, but it isn’t a problem anymore with Maki Yaki because I technically had to be there at 11:30am, although they sort of wanted me to show up at 11:00.

I got on the bus, confused, debating whether to untie my bike while the bus was coming towards me and then put the bike onto the bike rack, but there was no real reason to, so I just left it tied there at the sign.

Then I tried to call the taxi people and cancel. But suddenly, the phone wouldn’t work – it told me there was no service. ‘What the hell! Why isn’t my phone working?’ I said. I had to wait for a minute or two, and suddenly it had service again, and I canceled the taxi. The guy on the phone sounded sort of irritated, and I apologized. I told him I forgot that the bus actually was running today.

So it’s a football game day, and the bus had to do a detour, making it slightly later than usual. I wanted to go to the store and get a couple things because I needed something to eat and drink before work. So I ended up getting there at 11:30 instead of 11, but technically, that’s what time I’m scheduled for. It’s just not optimal. Ideally I should get there early because there actually is a ton of stuff to do, and it’s endless and impossible to complete everything.

Then, we had a new guy who had just been hired. His name was Derek. His face looked vaguely familiar – I had seen him before somewhere, but didn’t know him. It turned out that he had worked at another Taco Bell – I wouldn’t have known him from there – but he knew Micah, from the TB where I had worked.

We spoke to each other briefly, just clarifying that we had both worked at Taco Bell – I didn’t have any time to swap Taco Bell horror stories with him, and I have a feeling he wouldn’t have hated Taco Bell as badly as I hated it. Taco Bell has a particular corporate culture which was totally incompatible with my way of doing things, but other people find it to be just fine. This guy told me he had been a manager there, I think? So obviously it wasn’t that bad for him. Or, maybe it still was, I don’t know.

Well, that was the last we ever saw of Derek! Rich asked him to take out the garbage, and he went out and never came back. We began to notice that it was taking longer and longer for him to return. We started to realize he had definitely just left us forever, and we were sort of nervously laughing about it, making jokes, speculating and making up stories and theories explaining why he had left. And no, he never did come back, all day.

So, one less person, when we desperately need people and are trying to hire them, and I myself cannot work a lot – I still do have chronic fatigue and a low energy level, not to mention a thousand problems outside of work that require my attention, and my life is a disaster, so I can’t work unlimited hours.

It was okay in the afternoon – I was cutting vegetables. I got a fair amount of stuff done, but then had to help with dishes because they piled up and people stack them on top of each other in these crazy, unstable ways, so that they are just about to fall over and shatter all over the floor. Then, someone else came in to help with dishes, and I was kind of confused and lost for a while, not sure what to help with, not sure what was the biggest emergency.

I didn’t go back to prepping more vegetables for a while. I got a little bit to eat in the afternoon, but as soon as I tried to eat, I suddenly discovered that I was kind of sick and couldn’t eat a lot, even though Mike had made this soup especially for me. So I ate only a tiny bit of the soup, and I hate wasting it.

Finally towards the end of the day I was becoming extremely fatigued and started having diarrhea, so I was spending a lot of time in the bathroom. But right then, just as I was looking forward to leaving, Mike wanted me to prep more vegetables. He didn’t do anything wrong by wanting me to prep more vegetables, it was just that I was exhausted and sick and all I wanted to do was get out of there at 6:00 as quickly as I could. I had been able to get them to schedule me with somewhat limited hours, although nobody is happy about it, because I know they desperately need help. So when I actually leave at the time when I’m scheduled to leave, I know that I am abandoning them. They really want me to try to stay longer than that time that I am scheduled to leave.

So I tried, in that last hour, to prep some more vegetables. I’m not a super fast cutter, but I’ve gotten better at it, so I’m at least faster than I was in the beginning. I was thinking to myself the whole time, I wish we had a food processor. The food processor would have to be able to cut the vegetables in the particular way that we are cutting them, well enough that they would look nice and would serve the same purposes. A cheap food processor could be bought at Wal-Mart, but a cheap one might not be able to cut things nicely. I have never owned a food processor and never researched this issue, so I know nothing about it. What type of food processors are able to cut the vegetables in exactly the same way that we cut them, well enough that it’s passable, even if it is not *exactly* the same?

I wasn’t able to get much done, and we kept running out of stuff. I ran out of zucchini, as in, there was none left in the entire store, so I was making the mix without zucchini, and this disturbs me – it doesn’t look right. Then I knew I would soon run out of green onions, too, and wasn’t sure how much of them needed to be saved for the other green onions, the small chopped ones that they use as a garnish. I kept task switching, running out of one thing, chopping it, then mixing stuff again, running out of another thing, task switching, chopping whatever else I ran out of, then going back to mixing. What I have to do is, I have to make a mix of four vegetables – onions, green onions, zucchini, and a little bit of carrots just for color.

At 6:00, I just put everything away and asked if I could leave. I felt as though Mike was angry, but I was extremely tired and not feeling well. It was in the middle of dinner and it was a football game night so we were very busy at that moment. There were still a million things I could have potentially done – I feel that the work is never done. I did leave, but I didn’t really say goodbye to anyone – everyone was busy rushing around doing their own things.

Oh yeah, the faucet was broken, too. And I forgot to mention that a zipper on my backpack broke. The zipper – I was getting on the bus and putting my bus pass into the smaller zipper section in the backpack, and when I zipped it shut, the zipper came off in my hand. At that moment, I had just said hi to Tracy from McDonald’s, who was farther back in the bus, but I had sat down in my own seat near the front, and didn’t want to go sit with Tracy because she would talk nonstop the entire time, and I was in the middle of trying to call the taxi to cancel my taxi ride. I was distracted and flustered and suddenly this zipper comes off in my hand. So I put all the stuff in the zipper flap into the bigger section of my backpack so that nothing would fall out and get lost. Now the inside of the backpack is an even bigger mess and it’s hard to find anything.

The faucet – the lady who I thought was named Su is actually named Suk, but the k isn’t pronounced very loudly. She was here yesterday using the sink, washing dishes. I kept going over to the sink and using it for a minute, and every time I used it, I would switch the faucet back over to the ‘shower sprayer’ setting, when Suk kept changing it to a regular type of stream. Several different people have said they prefer the shower sprayer setting, but for some reason Suk doesn’t like it. So I, and everyone, kept changing it back to the shower spray setting while Suk was doing the dishes.

Well, today I went in and found out it was broken. Something had been broken so that you couldn’t really change the spray back and forth and no matter what setting it was on it was sort of a mixture of both kinds of spray. I became suspicious and wondered if Suk had tried to open it up and do something to it to prevent people from changing it to the other setting while she was doing dishes – we had noticed it was broken the day after she was using it. But I guess other people would have used it too. I just thought she was angry because people kept switching it so maybe she wanted to make it unswitchable. This was only a theory. Maybe it just got broken because people were switching it back and forth repeatedly all day long.

So, all day we had to put up with this faucet malfunctioning, spraying water up in my face because it was leaking out the side, and failing to spray properly no matter how we tried to set it.

And, I have PMS and am not happy about losing my baby, when it really did seem like I had successfully conceived and was starting to have symptoms of pregnancy. I feel like I’m beginning to cramp now and so in the next couple of days I will be starting my period for sure. Agustin is gone – he told me he was leaving town. I cannot just go have sex with random strangers because I am very picky. It’s actually rare that I get boyfriends, although I know there are people who would date me, it’s just I am extremely antisocial, I don’t hang out at bars, I don’t think that any State College activities are fun or worth doing, I don’t do football, and I am miserable all the time because of the electronic torture going on in my brain, which prevents me from really feeling like I can connect with people. The zapping going on in my brain prevents me from thinking about anything and it is the reason why I cannot solve any of my ongoing, recurring life problems, which ought to be under my control and which have perfectly easy, obvious solutions, which can only be done by a person who is able to use their brain without interference.

On a day like this, I hate this town. I hated the people going to the football game and walking around town wearing their ponchos. I hear their conversations and they are always annoying and obnoxious.

Drunk people were wandering around – oh, the drunk girl! Apparently, this girl is a regular at Maki Yaki – everyone but me knew about her already. We were just working back there minding our own business, me and Kat, back in the prep area, and I noticed there was a girl back there with us. She seemed to be bending over and doing something, like tying her shoes. Kat later said it looked like she was bending over to fill one of the sauce bottles, which is something people normally do at that location. I just assumed she was one of the employees who I didn’t know very well, or maybe a new girl. There are a couple employees who I barely know and have never had a conversation with, like Natalie, or the delivery guys, whose names I don’t even know yet. So I just assumed this was some unfamiliar employee.

She stood up, and looked straight at me. She had a blue Nittany Lions temporary tattoo on her face. She was staring with an empty look like a zombie, and was swaying unsteadily on her feet. ‘Are you okay?’ I said. She didn’t answer. Then, lol, she reached into the box of Cheerios with her hand and tried to get some cheerios. We have cheerios there for the employees to eat. Kat quickly went to her and ushered her out of the room, and she went back up to the front counter with her friend. Apparently she does this frequently, gets so drunk she turns into a zombie and then walks around standing and staring into space and doing strange things. Today she had just wandered in through the door into our prep area for no particular reason.

It’s not easy to live in this town if you passionately hate football and alcohol. It’s also painful to make friends with people only to have them leave after a year or two because they were only there going to the college and didn’t live there permanently.

I want to go someplace else where the skies aren’t gray with chemtrails all the time. There are places on earth that get less spraying than we do here. I just don’t know exactly where they are, and this information is hard to research – other people are wondering the same thing. I want to go almost anywhere but here, but in reality, I could, and should, make a more detailed list of criteria that the new place should meet. If it’s possible to go someplace I desire, then I can actively seek to go someplace that I really want to go to. Then again, it would make a huge difference in my life if I were to even move so close as Altoona. There is a cultural difference between that town and this town, even though it is not that far away. The rent is lower there too.

I went home, took a bath, and slept right away, but now I am awake again, wondering about the exact time when my newly conceived baby died. Which day did it die, and did I feel it? I read a web page which was clearly written by a mainstream medicine troll. I had done a google search for ‘antibiotics trigger miscarriages’ or something like that, and one of the first results came from one of those gigantic websites that promote pro-drug, pro-doctor propaganda, something like WebMD. It was spewing blatant lies. It said ‘There are very few things that a woman can do that will cause a
miscarriage.’ Something to that effect. It was saying, your lifestyle has no connection to your miscarriage – it is totally not under your control at all, and the vast majority of miscarriages are caused by ‘chromosomal abnormalities’ in the baby.

This is a blatant lie that contradicts other information which is clearly written even on the drug inserts themselves, things that say ‘do not use while pregnant or nursing,’ or ‘ask your doctor about using this drug if you are pregnant.’ If your lifestyle cannot possibly ever do anything to harm your baby, then why are those drugs required to carry a (not strong enough) warning telling you to at least pause for a second and consider whether or not you really want to use this drug while pregnant?

I’ve been reading about these topics for YEARS and so I am very much aware that there are many, many factors which ARE under your control that are able to affect your fertility and able to determine whether the baby lives or dies, and able to influence whether your chromosomes have abnormalities, or whether the eggs and sperm are as fully formed and healthy as possible. I’ve only been off caffeine since August, but it takes 6 months or even an entire year for an egg to form in the ovary – the egg starts off very small over on one side of the ovary, and gradually develops and gets moved over to the other side, or something – I don’t know if those diagrams are literal, if it actually moves from one place to another or stays where it is. But it doesn’t develop in just one month, it takes maybe a year or maybe 6 months depending on which diagram and/or web page you look at for this information. The only thing that happens in the last month before it’s released is just the ‘finishing touches.’ And there are many eggs in various stages of development all the time.

So, as the Weston Price devotees have explained, you have to eat the Weston Price diet for almost an entire year before pregnancy, and both the mother and father should eat it, in order to ensure fully developed sperms and eggs by the time conception occurs.

Anyway, if my extreme and excessive caffeine use affected the development of my eggs, then I am going to have to be off caffeine for a long time to develop new eggs that aren’t under the influence of caffeine. And I’m not even eating a good diet yet.

I am going to just spend the next few months surviving, moving out of this house, trying to save money, trying to get on food stamps and get Medicaid again, trying to deal with my various problems – and I won’t be focused on finding a new guy who will be willing and able to inseminate me, someone who I find tolerable at least, and hopefully find very attractive and ideally, a socionic dual – almost impossible. These things just don’t happen by accident – our society isolates us from each other and forces us to slave all day long so that we can barely scrape by.

Attractive guys do not just come along and ask to go out with me, and when I met Agustin, I was still using ginseng, which made me aroused all day at work and so I was sending sexual signals to him all day long, making him aware that I wanted him. When I am completely drug-free, like now, I am very neutral sexually and I do almost nothing to attract men. Even if we hire dozens of new employees, an IEE-ENFp is unlikely to show up because they tend to avoid restaurant and food-related work. They have different interests which are anywhere but there. I almost never encounter them in the restaurant business.

So it is extremely unlikely that I will meet another new guy before the end of this year. Two tests, only two tests of my fertility are certainly not enough. It requires constant testing which will go on for months and months and months with someone who will stay with me and not leave, someone who will always be there every day. Getting pregnant at the age of 42 is extremely challenging and cannot be accomplished by a mere two quickies with somebody who instantly vanishes afterwards and leaves town and is never seen again. And it’s not easy to find mainstream ‘American’ men who are willing to have unprotected sex with ejaculation – all of them have been brainwashed into the depopulation program, so they pull out and/or insist on using a condom. All of them. It’s actually hard to find a SOBER guy who will do this. It was a miracle, actually – drunk men might do it, but Agustin was sober, and I find drunk men repulsive usually, with a few rare exceptions – I met Samir when he was drunk – but hey! Foreign guy, non-American.

I guess I will post this and go to bed. I was hoping that I would be different from all those other people suffering in the
trying-to-conceive forum, that maybe something about them was different, that it was because they had been using birth control pills, etc, etc, and that maybe it would be easier for me than it was for them – but no, it’s still going to be extremely hard for me to conceive. And now I won’t have any more opportunities to test it, until some unknown event occurs which is outside of my control.

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