blatantly negative

I took a test, and it’s totally, completely negative. There is not even the slightest, faintest sign of a second line. Just one line. Now all I have to do is wait a couple days and I’ll get my period.

What makes this even more frustrating is that I don’t have a long term lover / boyfriend / husband cooperating with me on this project, just some guy who was barely reachable, didn’t speak English, and now, has allegedly moved out of the state and gone to West Virginia (if he was telling the truth).

I really DO have to make all the special preparations, eat the good diet for a year before conceiving, and have my life together, and have a husband, in order for this to work. I totally, completely, cannot get pregnant even when I have totally unprotected sex with ejaculation before or during my ovulation. It totally does not matter at all.

I do have a second test, but they’re expensive, so I won’t take it. I will wait for my period to start in the next few days.

If the period doesn’t start, then, I am having a miscarriage, which has happened before. It was a long time ago. I kept missing my period, and taking pregnancy tests, but all were negative. Finally, after about a month or two without a period, suddenly I had a yucky, bad smelling, brown stuff come out of me during my period, and then it went back to normal. The body was attempting a pregnancy and trying to prevent menstruation, but the baby was dead and it never grew enough to continue. That is probably what’s happening now.

I need someone who will do this with me. I need everything – I need food, I need my own house, I need subsistence, I need true love, I need my dual. But it has to be a dual that I can stand.

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