Weird dreams, bizarre fantasies, low blood sugar and panic attacks, obsessing about food and nutrient density, eating random snacks and preparing to go on an errand today. Dreams of aliens, grandpa, and, unfortunately, feces, and ghosts. Something about a ‘bottle.’

1:11 PM 9/27/2016

I have a million emergencies, and the garbage is piling up on the floor of my bedroom again. Soon, I will break down and insist that I must work fewer days per week, although I might still want to work long hours each day. On the first day off, I can barely do anything but lie in bed for a very long time, so nothing gets done, and then, the next day, I have to go to work again.

Maybe people don’t want to work at Maki Yaki because they think they will have to speak a foreign language. So a craigslist ad could tell them ‘you don’t have to speak Korean or Japanese.’

I keep thinking about how a restaurant business can afford to exist without making the food prices very, very, very high. And what would life be like if all the restaurants had extremely high food prices? And the college students in this town are not working at high paying jobs, so where does the money come from for their living expenses – rent, food, miscellaneous purchases?

Like, from what I see at Maki Yaki, it seems like the food should have to cost, like, $100 a plate, or something. I haven’t seen the bookkeeping so I don’t know what it really costs for them to exist. I’m fantasizing about what it would be like to run my own restaurant business. I only know that the costs of doing business are
ridiculously high – the rent, the electricity, the water bill, the employee paychecks, everything, and also the debts for going into business in the first place, the debts for everything.

*****************************************
Pregnancy update: I still don’t feel pregnant, and I only had nausea that one night, but not last night. Right now, I feel nothing unusual at all. I forgot to look at my calendar where I wrote down my period days. I wrote it in a notepad.

Okay, I looked at it. My period will be due on either October 4th or 6th. I had that ‘false start’ day where there was a small drop of blood but then it stopped again, and then started for real two days later. So I’m not sure exactly which day counts as the first day. ‘The voices’ said the false start day should be viewed as a real beginning of the period, and the timing of my sex and ovulation fits pretty well with either day. It fits better with the false start day.

I haven’t been tracking my periods for years, so I don’t know how long my cycle is nowadays, if it’s really the average 28 day cycle, or something longer or shorter. Supposedly it’s a bad sign, of menopause, if the cycle becomes extremely short.

I have noticed a couple strange symptoms. I worked all day yesterday at the sushi station, which means I didn’t have any time to sit down and eat a meal in the afternoon. I just ate bits and pieces of sushi mistakes or the cut off end pieces – you trim the edges off to make it look nice. I am not really great at sushi yet, but it’s passable. I’ve only been doing it for a couple days so far.

So I wasn’t able to eat much at all, and the nutritional quality of the sushi is low, although I suppose it’s better than some foods. There’s a lot of rice, which is low nutritional quality – all calories, no nutrients. I’m not someone who believes in eating a 100% carbohydrate-free diet, so I don’t mind eating a little bit of rice, and a little bit of sugar, and plain carbs here and there, and fruit especially – I have no objection whatsoever to eating sugar and carbs in the form of fruit.

I would still need to experiment with finding edible and safe sources of starch from grains and root vegetables, and I wasn’t finished with those experiments, not even close. They have to not have any strange side effects. Turnips and some other root vegetables seem to attack the thyroid, for instance. Hopniss – a challenge – I have it growing in the pot but won’t eat it yet – I want to plant it in the woods near a stream and let it grow wild and spread everywhere. It’s a native plant which I am bringing back to its native habitat.

Anyway though, most of what I ate was rice, from the sushi ends, with tiny bits of meat, fake crab, farmed salmon, and tuna from an unknown source. Tuna – do they farm it? Where does the tuna come from? I didn’t think tuna was farmed. Tuna is a huge, gigantic fish. Isn’t it? I need to research it.

And cucumbers are a nutrient-devoid vegetable. Organic cucumbers might be okay; cucumbers of some particular variety might be okay; cucumbers from the original wild growing plant that they originally were before they got domesticated might be okay; but the cucumbers we have are, I assume, ordinary factory farm cucumbers.

I’m not criticizing the business owners for not getting all organic everything, by the way. Like I was saying above, I have absolutely no idea how it would be possible to run a business without charging $100 a plate for the food, especially since I’m fantasizing about all-organic restaurants.

Myra already has organic milk in the fridge. She understands about organic milk. I sometimes get a little bottle of non-organic milk because that’s the only thing they have in a single serving size from the particular store where I have to shop. I would rather not have bovine growth hormone or chemical residues from all the stuff they give the cows, but I don’t drink it very often. Ideally I would want to just never drink that stuff. I get organic milk for the fridge at home.

So anyway, cucumbers are the equivalent of iceberg lettuce – no nutrients at all, but they serve the purpose of providing a watery, crispy, crunchy texture, and a pale green color, and that is the only purpose they serve – texture, not nutrition.

Nutrient dense foods, and wild growing native varieties of
pre-domesticated plants – that’s what I’m interested in. And as a compromise, organic versions of domesticated plants. I’ve been picking and eating the kousa dogwood berries whenever I see them. I want to harvest all the walnuts and apples too but I can’t. I just can’t. Every year. Every year, I go crazy during the harvest, wanting to pick up all the fallen fruits and nuts, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have a storage house to put them in and I don’t have drying racks to dry them on, or processing methods to remove the skin off walnuts, and all that – it needs a lot of infrastructure.

I go crazy and frantic because I’m always too busy working at a job to earn paper dollars instead of just walking out into the woods and fields harvesting the food that is right there in front of me. It is so, so, so, so frustrating, and it happens every single year. Always working, no car, no way to transport it, no way to process it, no place to keep it, no time to do any of this harvest. Harvest is the most important time of year. Even the acorns falling on my house right now need to be harvested and salvaged. There is some way to process acorns to make them edible – it can be done, it just takes work. So every year, I waste this moment, I miss this opportunity, and there is no harvest for me – every year. Endless frustration.

I should research Korean and Japanese offal and organ meat dishes, because offal and organ meats are nutrient dense. Also, seafood – seafood offal, fish heads, fish organs, I love that stuff and want to keep learning about it. I haven’t been able to continue any of my testing and research but I will never stop researching it. It is extremely important to me.

I still love Guatemala. Guatemala, I haven’t forgotten you.

Offal: sometimes, people do this thing where they have a waste product and they decide to try to make it into an edible dish. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We have this thing where they told me it came from a particular part of the leg muscle of the chicken, and they used to throw it away, but then started breading and frying it and it became a very popular dish. That’s an example of a time when it worked out okay.

However, at other times, people try to make a waste product into an edible food, and it fails miserably, and an example of this is the Chinese (maybe it was Korean too?) foods that use tendons, like tendon soup. I tried eating tendon, and it almost made me throw up immediately. It is inedible.

I am in favor of not wasting any part of the animal, and tendons do indeed have a use – they are to be used in making ropes and strings, musical instrument strings, bowstrings, laces, threads. They are not to be eaten. Something in them is too allergenic and irritating – I cannot even swallow it without feeling like I am going to throw up. There was this one soup (not at our Maki Yaki restaurant, but some other place, Pho 11, I think) where it was just all tendons in the soup. I took just a few tiny bites and didn’t even try to eat any more. Am I remembering this right? I don’t know what I did with the leftovers.

So yes, I believe in eating offal and using every part of the animal and what they call ‘nose to tail’ eating. But there are some limits, and if something makes you throw up, then you have to discard it or find some other use for it. It’s just that much, much more is edible than we usually think of. Heads, noses, that kind of stuff. Brains. Many organs, but not all of them. You shouldn’t eat the hormone glands like adrenal glands and thyroids, because the hormones are so strong, you’re overdosing and poisoning yourself with hormones. I would not be surprised if someone had a heart attack and dropped dead from eating an adrenal gland.

I have wanted to do all the experiments and document my symptoms, sensations, and strange reactions, but I can’t do that because 1. no money, 2. no house, 3. no free time. Food research and testing of strange and unusual foods is my specialty.

I got off track from my storytelling because I started ranting about foods of low nutrient density.

I ate bits of sushi all day yesterday, and that was all I ate. I did drink some juice and some Sprite. I allow myself to have Sprite even though it isn’t ideal, because that’s what’s available there and I’m allowed to have it for free. It doesn’t have any caffeine.

By the end of the day, I was so hungry that I felt like I was going to pass out. That wouldn’t normally happen to me. That’s the whole point of the story. I have noticed now that if my blood sugar gets low, I start to have major problems that are worse than what they were in the past, and it might be because of this possible pregnancy, the unverified pregnancy that I have to wait a few more weeks to test for.

So I was almost passing out. I was dizzy, I felt like my blood sugar was low, and I was so hungry I actually almost threw up. I went into the bathroom and started to sort of cry and rub my eyes while feeling like I had to vomit, but I stopped myself from vomiting, and then I went out and immediately grabbed a bottle of apple juice (also available to me for free, thank you Maki Yaki) and wolfed it down. I wouldn’t normally get that bad. Apparently my blood sugar is more sensitive now.

So I ordered some food when I left, but couldn’t eat it all when I got home, so I put the rest in the fridge and ate some more of it this morning.

I also nibbled on raw sunflower seeds, dried craisins, a dried date, canned oysters in cottonseed oil (giving me my daily serving of pesticides and herbicides from the GMO cotton), a fresh prune plum and a kiwi (I didn’t even try to eat another mandarin orange yet), some whole organic milk, some organic apple juice – I nibbled a few bites of almost every snack that I have. I also have some organic dried fruits.

The meal I ordered was pork belly, with green leafy lettuce of some sort – not iceberg but special lettuce with lacy edges – rice (I don’t eat tons of rice, but I ate some of it), soybean paste, kimchi (not enough kimchi – I would like to eat a whole lot more of that), and a soup that I’ve forgotten the name of which was different this time than it was the first time. This time it had beef muscle meat in it, and I don’t like beef muscle meat. It has an unpleasant texture. I like beef organ meat though. It has other ingredients, including bracken, a wild fern. I think they started eating bracken in Korea because of the forced starvation, so people learned to forage, and bracken got incorporated into the mainstream foods. Maybe they even domesticate it, I don’t know. I know there is some disagreement over bracken because some people think it causes cancer. I don’t know. I am taking it seriously though. I don’t eat the bracken every single day. Sometimes you can eat small amounts of something once in a while.

Oh my gosh, time is passing. I have to take a shower and get ready to go on an errand. I am so tired. I slept late and had a fake dream. I still don’t want to get up.

So this morning when I woke up, I felt a panicky sensation of my low blood sugar again, which is when I started eating a bunch of raw sunflower seeds right away. These snacks are just things I happen to have right now. I try to choose well from the foods available at only one or two small convenience stores in town, because I usually can’t take a trip to go someplace else to get lots of good food. I have extremely limited choices. Fortunately, organic food is becoming much more popular, thank goodness, so they sell it everywhere. I can even buy organic dried fruits at Sheetz. And I love the Epic grassfed meat bars, although I don’t get the chicken or turkey ones – I don’t like the texture.

Maybe I would eat the Mongolian meat that they dry up and then grind into the smallest possible powder and then put it into soup. It is the muscle meat of a whole cow, or something, ground up into a very small volume, just powderized. I know the name of it, I just can’t remember. It’s a four letter word, I think. Mongolians are very sexy. I just wanted to say that. Mongolians eat a lot of offal and organ meats and animal heads, and they have them openly on sale in the markets, just some disgusting cow head sitting right there in the open. They are shameless about such things. Americans would be utterly horrified. I shouldn’t just say Mongolians are sexy without saying Koreans are sexy, because I think they are too. I am a xenophile. I love foreign people and I see the beauty in different races. I tend to talk about these subjects at the same time that I’m obsessing about food. I haven’t eaten enough and I still want to obtain grassfed lard somehow.

Yeah, I’m definitely obsessing about food.

I had a fake dream… but what else was I going – oh, I remember.

Yesterday, during the time when my blood sugar was low at work, I heard them playing a Billy Joel song, ‘We didn’t start the fire.’ They mentioned ‘terror on the airlines.’ I was in a strange state of mind, and this triggered a fantasy that I was on an airplane where a terrorist was taking hostages and making bomb threats. In the fantasy, as soon as I saw the person getting up and threatening us, I took off all my clothes and slowly walked towards him, because in a life or death situation, this is the appropriate thing to do, when it is never appropriate at any other time. Then I touched him to calm him down. In the fantasy, this tactic would succeed, but in real life, he would probably just blow my head off, because they are expecting to kill women as well as men without regret, and there is no taboo on killing all the women. The only people who can be calmed down by a woman are people who still value women. Someone who disvalues all life and is fully committed to killing all of them will probably not respond to this tactic. In the fantasy, it would work – somehow I would calm him down and stop him from killing us. I don’t know how he would get away afterwards. If I can calm him down successfully, then there is no need for him to go to jail. This is my way of judging the world.

So during this bizarre fantasy, triggered only by the words ‘terror on the airlines’ in that song, my adrenaline rushed as though I was actually there taking off my clothes and walking down the aisle of the airplane, saying goodbye to everyone and saying strange things, like ‘thank you for your friendship.’ My adrenaline rushed in a painful panic attack, which was exacerbated by my low blood sugar.

Is this a normal event for me? No, this is not at all normal. It was extremely strange, and I am wondering if it’s because of the pregnancy, if the pregnancy is real.

The fake dream this morning:

Normally, ‘they’ don’t allow me to dream about shit. They haven’t been making me dream about shit for many years now. But when the mind control attacks first began (badly and overtly) in 2003, I did dream about shit.

In this dream, I was in a strange place… almost like a camp. Except it was a group camp, like a military thing. I wasn’t camping alone. It was a more permanent infrastructure. There was one shared room with beds and furniture in it, and I think several beds in an open space without walls, so it had a group feeling. It was somewhat dark or dim in there, and nobody else was there at the moment. I think one or two other people were nearby somewhere. The room had a warm, pleasant, cozy feeling, and I think there might have been a fireplace.

I don’t recall exactly what happened, but I went to the toilet. Again, they haven’t given me this type of disgusting fake dream in a long time. In the toilet, I saw that there was so much shit that it covered the entire top of the water. You couldn’t even see the bottom of the toilet. There was no toilet paper floating in it – it was all shit. I could see dozens of individual stools. They were lumpy. For some reason, I was touching it with my hand. (this again is the typical mind control dream that I had way back in 2003 and haven’t had for years, or if I’m having them, I don’t remember them when I wake up.)

Then I decided I had to try to flush this toilet. I was about to flush it when something strange happened. A bottle appeared next to me, floating in the air. We had joked about a ghost yesterday at Maki Yaki (for real), because the automatic soap dispensers sometimes shoot out soap for no reason when nobody is there, and the toilet flushes by itself when you walk into the bathroom when it shouldn’t.

I don’t remember what the ‘bottle’ means. I had been seeing something or thinking something about a bottle, or I saw the word bottle in some context, but I can’t recall the context. I just saw the word ‘bottle’ yesterday somewhere and it meant something. This was a large jug of something, a plastic jug.

So this plastic jug thing (which I thought of as a ‘bottle’) appeared floating in the air beside me right when I was about to flush the toilet full of shit. Just as I pressed the flush, the bottle dived down into the toilet, straight into the hole of the toilet, clogging it. I flushed it at that moment. The toilet exploded shit everywhere all over the ceiling.

I ran away and tried to tell someone that there was a problem. I was trying to tell someone that this floating bottle clogged the toilet, and I was looking into someone’s eyes very deeply to bond with them, to say, ‘please believe what I am saying even though I know it is very strange.’ She believed me because she had seen the ghost herself.

The toilet is probably an asshole, I’m guessing, and I’m guessing that this symbol represents anal sex. ‘Exploding’ usually means orgasm.

However, there was an incident yesterday where I was constipated for several hours, which is also unusual for me – ‘several hours’ is nothing compared to the length of time other people are constipated, I know. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, and finally hours later I was able to, but I couldn’t at first, and it was inconvenient because I knew I would be stuck working at the sushi station for hours unable to leave.

Finally I had pains in my abdomen and felt like I would be able to go, so I did, and I had to pull up my legs to my chest because the toilet is really, really tall, and we should be using squatting toilets instead. I don’t get constipated if I can squat, and I also don’t get constipated if I can control my diet – I don’t eat rice. Rice I think makes me constipated – it has happened before. I wouldn’t normally eat just rice by itself, ever. I would eat small amounts of it mixed with many sauces and other foods. So I ‘exploded,’ and the mind controllers watch everything we do, all the time, so they see us going to the bathroom. They were so fascinated with this event that they had to incorporate it into a dream, apparently. I still can’t recall what the bottle was referring to. I know I saw it somewhere.

So then there was another dream. I was in a totally different location, outdoors, walking down a road, on a nice day, in a large open area, a flat plain. I could see around me for a long distance. There were many other people around doing some big group outdoor activity. I was walking down a road but there weren’t any cars. It wasn’t a highway, it was just a small road, possibly even a gravel road or path. Other people were walking. I was kind of interested in the event but I was mostly just going there for the cheerful atmosphere of the people.

Then I saw a bunch of Guatemalans coming down the road, but they were all very tall, taller than me. Then I saw Arturo among them, still as short as he usually is, wearing something strange, like a hooded jacket. He looked like he was hiding or being secretive. I said, ‘Hello,’ and he said, ‘Hola.’ I wondered where these people were going and I was going to follow them, I think, but then I saw a flying saucer. The flying saucer had been in the background a few minutes before this, too, far away, and I wondered if it was going to hit the power lines.

‘Power lines’ have been in the dreams from the beginning. I would try to flap my arms and fly into the air, but my back would get burned and zapped because I would fly up underneath the power lines, which seemed to be everywhere, all over the place.

I have wondered recently if those power lines are actually chemtrails. The chemtrails would be made of an electrical conductor, so that they conduct electricity long distances through the atmosphere. Those chemtrails are lines that I fly up underneath and I hit them and can’t go any higher. I can’t fly because of the chemtrails. That is my latest interpretation of all the ‘power lines’ in the flying dreams.

So anyway, this flying saucer was very close to the ground, faraway, in the background, almost hitting some power lines. Then it suddenly moved up and flew around, back and forth, all over the place, demonstrating its ability to maneuver and to move very fast. I said, ‘That looks kind of cartoony-looking.’ It looked fake. The edges of it were outlined in such a way that they didn’t fit with the background. It flew all over and then landed next to me, on a small hill.

It was sunny and pretty outside. It was a cheerful, happy day. And this saucer landed on the hill, and turned into something like a Jeep, with a rollover bar or something on it. Some kind of bars protecting the top or the back of it. Maybe that’s because, in real life, a coworker had a car accident – it was the lady who I believed was an LSI-ISTj (although I’m not 100% certain of that yet – I only know for certain she is a judger/rational) and I said she was like Korean Hillary Clinton. She said her car almost rolled over in the accident. And she is an ‘alien.’ ‘Aliens’ often refers to alien humans on earth, rather than extraterrestrial non-human aliens (when I hear voices or have dreams mentioning aliens).

So these two people got out of the car. They were both very old and had white hair. They were Caucasian. The old man had sort of a mullet. I know what that’s referring to. That was referring to Rich, the coworker who I typed as ESE-ESFj. Myra jokingly nicknamed him ‘Grumpy Gramps’ yesterday or the day before (I am confused about time), which seems like an amusing and affectionate nickname to me. I didn’t want to get involved in this conversation because I was afraid I would offend or hurt Rich’s feelings, when to me, the nickname seemed to be loving, not insulting. He seems like he would be a wonderful grandpa. She also teased him about having a mullet – he doesn’t have a mullet, he just has hair that is a couple inches long in the back, underneath his hat. It’s not really that long.

So the Caucasian grandpa in this dream (he was indeed called ‘Grandpa’) had a mullet as well, and he looked very old. And the grandma was there too but I couldn’t see her clearly and she was off to the left side, sitting on this hill. I went up to grandpa and was going to give him a hug, and I also held his hand, while also holding grandma’s hand with just a couple of my fingers. It was because they only had two fingers. I forgot. These were aliens and they only had two fingers on their hands. Maybe that is because Asians use chopsticks. I’ve been using chopsticks too. The chopsticks are the two fingers. These fingers were wrinkly looking and had claws on the ends of them. So I was holding her two-fingered hand with my two fingers and holding grandpa’s hand while I did something, I think I laid my head down on his chest. And I said, ‘grandma, come to me!’ I felt like I said it out loud in my sleep. Then I woke up.

I can’t remember if they had a thumb on their two-fingered hands. I didn’t see it very well.

So shortly after I woke up, I felt like I was having a panic attack from low blood sugar, even though I had eaten just before going to bed last night. I didn’t eat tons and tons of food, but just enough to be relieved of hunger. So I started eating again immediately. It feels like the baby is hungry, not me, the baby is panicking, not me. I don’t know. I don’t know if there is a baby or not.

The two week wait is torture. I think I’m gonna go to the forum and read other people who are in the two week wait section, to see if they feel any sensations or not. They have all these different sections in the forum. I haven’t been there in a long time because it’s a bloated badly functioning web page with too many ads that lock it up and cause it to go slowly. But I’ll go there again. I do recall several people saying ‘I feel nothing, I don’t know if there is a baby or not’ in the two-week-wait section of the forum. I don’t recall the forum name. trying to conceive… I have to google it again. Okay, the particular one that I joined a couple years ago (and have almost never posted in, except to introduce myself) is
http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/ttc-forums/ . It’s a gigantic forum with thousands of posts.

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