Argh – no cooperation on paperwork; low blood sugar triggers embroidery purchase at Wal-Mart; I have blankets now; I want to try eating salt, minerals, and clay

11:44 PM 9/27/2016

I tried to get Freddy to sign a paper saying how much he paid me, because there are no pay stubs and the food stamps people are demanding proof of how much I was paid. He refused to sign anything of course. I am going to have to go talk to the guy and tell him Freddy refuses to write this note, and his refusal to write the note will draw more attention to him than the note itself would have. They don’t give a fuck about him and how much he paid me, just like they didn’t give a fuck about Mary Jo renting a room to me last time I got food stamps and had to have her signature saying she was charging me for the room. She was afraid that they might come after her and tell her she wasn’t allowed to rent me a room or she wasn’t paying taxes or something, which is the same reason Freddy won’t sign – he doesn’t want anyone to come after him about the hundreds of laws that he’s breaking.

I’m not a law-enforcer, but some of the laws he’s breaking had a harmful personal impact on me. However, my goal is not to get these people to go after him, but to just get the fucking food stamps. So, I’m going to just have to tell them, ‘Hey, people, this guy Freddy who owns the Kaarma restaurant is too ashamed and sneaky to sign a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week. It’s up to you guys to decide WHY he refuses to sign this paper. You be the judge.’

I went to Wal-Mart and got myself another sleeping bag, which I am now using as a blanket here in the house. Finally, I won’t freeze while sleeping. I also got a new coat.

I was so angry thinking of everything, while wandering around Wal-Mart, and my blood sugar was dropping. I got angrier and angrier. I felt that the anger was out of control. Finally I snapped and decided I would do something. I was angry because the clothes I wanted to buy weren’t right. I wanted to make my own clothes, and I was angry because the sewing machine is in the tent right now, and my whole life has been one diversion after another from doing the things I really want to do. I just wanted to make my own fucking clothes! After a lifetime of hating all the clothes in the stores!

So I suddenly chose to start an Unsustainable Manic Project, even though I am not on drugs and not manic. I was just angry and had low blood sugar. So I bought a needle and embroidery thread and a couple tools, and some towels. I was originally going to grab a towel to use at work because we have no towels, we only have paper towels, and this is annoying to me, but then I decided the towels were pretty and I wanted to make something out of them. So I bought a whole bunch of them.

I had gone there estimating that I was going to spend $150 or less. I added it up on paper beforehand. It was an *extremely* rough estimate. Without even trying, without even consciously counting anything, the total came to something like $149.91 or some number that was extremely close to $150. It was $149 and some cents, just by accident.

I was so desperate from low blood sugar that I frantically grabbed a Sierra Mist, just to stay alive. I drank that. I was too mentally befuddled and numb to think about what I wanted to buy, and I just happened to be close to a fridge with Sierra Mist in it, so I grabbed it. It’s not what I would have wanted. I was too unconscious by that time to be capable of wandering around the store looking for the perfect juice drink. I felt that I could no longer walk or think. I was dizzy. This is pregnancy. I’m becoming more sure that my strange symptoms really are pregnancy.

At home, I was on the bed reading something random on the internet, and then I felt something which felt like it was actually a mind control suggestion, but I don’t know, it might not have been. I felt as though ‘they’ suggested that I get something salty, so I reached over and ate the corn chips that have been sitting in a bag for a long time – I stopped eating them because I used up all the salsa that I was dipping them in, and didn’t want to eat them plain. I ate them because they were salty, then went to the kitchen looking for plain salt to eat, but Mike was there and I didn’t want him to see me hunting through the cabinets looking for salt and then just scooping it out and eating it. So instead, I opened up the container of soup from Maki Yaki and just drank the salty broth straight from the cup.

Then ‘they’ suggested I research edible clay. I have no objection to eating clay, but I do not want to cause constipation or blockage. I won’t eat the one called ‘bentonite’ clay, but there is another type of bentonite clay called montmorrilonite clay (did I spell that right?), which is calcium clay instead of sodium. Calcium clay is the one you’re supposed to eat. It has minerals and supposedly it also helps you detoxify. I would have experimented with eating clay and dirt along with many other things if only I had been able to continue living outdoors and pursuing my natural primitive lifestyle.

I also looked up salt licks for horses. I used to lick those when I was a kid and we had them in the backyard. They were brown. They have other minerals in them besides salt.

Minerals help you form bones, and they are a key to preventing deformities and optimizing growth. Magnesium supposedly is a key to the deformities – I remember reading somewhere that if you don’t have enough magnesium, then the growing cells in the bones die and stop growing, and you are left with an unfinished bone that didn’t reach full size, which is how the deformities happen. These mineral deficiencies also happen if you are exposed to poisons that alter the nutrient metabolism in your body.

I won’t just go eat a ton of clay and then get a digestive blockage and go to the hospital. If I try any at all, I will lick only a tiny few crumbs of it and then wait to see what happens over the next couple days. I don’t want to get constipated.

I finally have a warm blanket and a slightly warmer coat! I also have an unsustainable manic project bought in anger and frustration and low blood sugar, to rebel against everything, because I am done, I am SO DONE, as they say. I’m done, because I can’t get food stamps, I can’t sew, I can’t learn about the primitive life, I can’t do anything. I can’t protect my baby. I have to protect the baby.

Right now, if the baby hasn’t attached to the uterine wall yet, it’s still being fed by the liquids being excreted from my uterine wall. Those liquids have to contain all the nutrients. If the nutrient content of that liquid goes too low, the baby can’t get enough food. If I go too long not giving it food, it will use up all its food storage and it will die. I think it has an egg yolk attached to it right now, if I understand correctly, which will help to feed it, but I might be wrong. I think it has to separate from the egg yolk in order to attach to the wall. Some people in the forum said that when it implanted, they felt pain and there was blood. It does, actually, have to dig down deep into the wall with its little roots and dig all the way down until it reaches blood. It’s looking for blood. So I should wear pads just in case there is blood, if only for a day, when it implants. I don’t want to be stuck at work without pads and I’m bleeding and thinking it’s my period starting. I’ll have to somehow ignore the pain if it implants, because taking ibuprofen is off limits, especially now when it’s only a few days old and is so vulnerable to everything. How bad will the pain be? I don’t know….

An embroidery project? really? I’m really frustrated with
everything. I am SO DONE with everything. When I’m ‘so done’ with everything, it’s time to just break down and do some fucking embroidery. I haven’t actually started it yet. I’m going to bed.

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