The despair and darkness over me. How could his child ever love me? Pesticides must be cleaned, errands must be run. Man-hating and woman-hating.

11:13 AM 9/22/2016

I still am contaminated with some pesticide or the unknown substance, whatever it is, from the hotel. I can’t think very well and I can’t get out of bed. I was able to get up and take a shower. I have a bunch of errands to run today. If I fail to run all these errands, then I am going to have to tell my employer that it is life or death important for me to have three days off instead of only two days off.

Most important is to go to the food stamps office and to call them on the phone, but also, I have to pick up my check from work.

Agustin’s baby: If Agustin is misogynistic – woman-hating – then won’t his child hate me too? I was talking to a facebook friend who I met in a socionics forum, and he mentioned something intriguing that has been on my mind for the last few days. He’s gay, and he talked about how in some cultures it’s acceptable for men to touch each other in loving ways. He said these were ‘non-heterosexualized cultures,’ and that they tended to segregate men from women, and tended to be misogynistic.

That seems to describe Guatemala and Agustin. The men are all together, touching each other in loving ways, giving each other much more love than they give to the women, who they seem to hate and resent. Women are putas and nothing but putas, all of them. The women have no comfort and no friendship from the men. Men even give each other sexual touch, and I have seen it happening many times. Women exist for only one purpose – to fuck, and then to abandon, never to spend any time with them, never to get to know them, never to try to understand them, never to open up to them psychologically.

They know you have to pay a woman to fuck you. Agustin can’t understand why I am not making him pay me. But to him, this is just simply an amazing opportunity to fuck someone for free and then abandon them like garbage anyway. He has absolutely no desire to get to know me, no desire to learn anything from me or to teach me anything that I would want to learn from him, no desire to see me as a human being. The only people who are truly human are men, not women. Women are not human. Women have no souls. Only men have souls, and only men can be loved. Women cannot be loved, women can only be fucked.

So, Agustin’s child – isn’t that child going to hate me too? It will probably be very similar to him. This child will reject me for its entire life – I will always be not good enough, not exciting enough, not interesting enough, not worth listening to. It’s like adopting the child of a stranger.

So the rationale for having sex with him is, because not many American men will be willing to just have unprotected fertile sex with ejaculation, without also wanting to marry you first, and without also being extremely repulsive. I can find hundreds of millions of men on dating websites, but all of them, without exception, are repulsive. Agustin is attractive enough that I can bear to have sex with him. But he has no interest in marrying me or getting to know me or spending more than this very small maximum number of minutes with me.

My child really will be a stranger to me, like an adopted child, someone who I will never know, no matter how long I live with them – just like its father. That was why I was hoping to at least have some contact with the father, so that the child could know that there was at least one human being out there who it could relate to and understand. The child will be raised with my alien values and alien beliefs, and it will always be looking for something, a group of people with shared, similar values, the way the Guatemalans all share their gold necklace, their bicycle, their phones, and whatever else they share. For me, values are something unique and complicated, and this is because of socionics – my values have a plus sign, whereas Gamma values have a minus sign.

My perception, however, is the one with a minus sign, so I look for people with a shared perception, a global description of what the world is – except, this is poorly defined – I do not have a good definition for what exactly -Si and -Ne are looking at. values with a minus sign are vague and general, so you can say about Gamma ‘everybody values money,’ and it’s that simple, and that’s all you need to know. Just give money to people! Everybody values money! Do anything at all to people that you want to do to them, but who cares – just give them some money and it’ll fix it! Work them overtime and take away every waking hour of their life – but who cares, we all value the same thing – money! Nobody has any special unique values that only they, alone, can understand and make decisions about. Anybody can share anything with anyone and anybody can understand anybody else’s values. We all like and dislike the same things.

Socionics…. it helps me to understand, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. I can’t help falling in love with the wrong person, and I can’t help being mind-controlled to pursue that person when he doesn’t want to be with me. It doesn’t make the anger go away. It doesn’t make the sadness and grief go away. I have known all this time that Agustin was wrong for me, but I could act like everything was fine if I was on drugs. I’m not using those drugs anymore. I can’t act like everything is fine now. Agustin only liked me if I was on drugs acting like everything was fine. Now that I am drug-free, I can only act like myself – a suffering, negative-minded, grieving person who already knows that he is gone, and gone forever.

So, why him, as the father of my child? Why did it have to be him? Just because I find him attractive enough to have sex with him, when I find everybody else repulsive? I can tolerate sex with repulsive people, if its only purpose is to give me a child, as long as I don’t have to have sex with that person every single day for the rest of my life. I could have sex infrequently with someone repulsive. Just not all the time.

I need to finish decontaminating these pesticides, but I can’t do that yet – I have to go to town and run some errands. I must get rid of this poison which is causing me to despair and to have such endless fatigue and the desire to do nothing but sleep.

How long will I pine for him, knowing he is gone, knowing he isn’t using his phone anymore and isn’t seeing my messages? How long will I keep sending messages to him? I’m not sending them very often. I already know there is no hope.

can I not move to someplace sunny, so that I will never need to see the darkness of winter again? I never want it again. I want to be happy. I don’t want this darkness over me anymore.

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