looking at apartments online; recovering from poisoning; I am not a capitalist anymore; why I couldn’t save money

10:56 PM 9/20/2016

All my attempts to save money have been disastrous failures, but when I was lying down trying to think about it, I kept getting attacked so that I was interrupted every few seconds. I need to remember what’s different between now and the previous times I have tried to save money.

For a while, I was camping on Mt. Nittany and saving cash in a plastic bag which was buried underneath something. The purpose was to keep it physically away from me, not in a checking account, so that I could not access it using the debit card. I also do not trust banks and believe it or not I feel safer keeping it ‘under the mattress’ than I do in a bank.

I ended up sleeping in a hotel room for dozens and dozens of nights while I was camping, because of thunderstorms. It’s mostly the thunderstorms that are the problem, and not the snow, and not the cold. I can handle snow and cold, but I cannot handle thunderstorms, and I also could not sleep when it was raining a lot, because trees fall when it rains, and also, even if there wasn’t thunder, there was still this electricity in the air that felt like it was electrocuting me.

So I slept in hotels, and that was how all of my money was destroyed the last time I tried to save money.

The time when I was working at Kaarma, I made $400 a week, but was totally and completely unable to cook at home, due to lack of time while working 60 hours plus additional hours spent there during break and during travel time, and also due to the fact that I was no longer keeping food in the fridge because I was trying to move out of this house, and I moved all my pots and pans into the tent, where they still are right now.

I did not save a single penny while working at Kaarma – I have absolutely nothing to show for all those months. The only thing I have to show for it was a few memorable, special experiences with Agustin, which are too few and far between, and he is leaving, probably to get away from me, and maybe he feels a duty to get himself away from me for my own good, who knows. Yes, those are special experiences and I am glad for them. I am glad to have known him, glad to have met the Guatemalans, glad to have experienced my first under-the-table job (aside from that lawn weeding job) paid in cash and breaking all the labor laws and tax laws and every other law in existence. I had always wondered how to find an under-the-table job paid in cash.

My entire life was thrown upside down in the beginning of the year 2016, when I was forced to leave McDonald’s, the only stable job that I had ever enjoyed, because they began spraying pesticides in the building and were going to do it again routinely every month. I was sick for MONTHS after that and could not get out of bed, and was unable to hunt for a job – only to waste every penny of the
approximately $900 tax refund that I had. This was obviously a setup – I was MEANT to destroy that tax refund. It would have been like ‘savings’ and could have been used for some useful purpose, such as getting myself out of this town.

I am looking at a website called ‘hotpads,’ ‘pad’ being an apartment. The only way I found that website was by doing a more specific google search for some additional terms – I searched for “single apartment” state college pa, and found that site. It’s a good site, with a map that zooms out to the entire country. When I search only for the word ‘apartments,’ I do not see that site anywhere.

I need to understand this, because this is exactly the thing that frustrates me. I need to understand how to eliminate the garbage search results. At the top of the search results, there are these web pages that only show the super-expensive, super-fancy apartments that are $1,000 each, and their user interface is horrible. The user interface actually works on the ‘hotpads’ website, and the zoomable map is extremely useful – it makes me feel like I can go anywhere. The top search results are usually the extremely slow loading, bloated websites that don’t work and that take five minutes to load each page, which is guaranteed to have several scripts that stop responding and cause it to lock up, and so on. Garbage.

The recurring theme, over and over again, is ‘I wasn’t able to save any money.’ Over all these years, I cannot save even a couple hundred dollars before something terrible happens, such as job losses or huge expenses that suddenly happen through no fault of my own, or through a disaster such as the decontamination, which went on for years and years and years and destroyed countless thousands of dollars of property. Tens of thousands of dollars destroyed by the

I can’t save even a couple hundred. Right now, I am in debt and cannot pay down my credit card, which fortunately only has a limit of $500. I can’t even pay off that $500, even though I am not paying any rent in this house that I am living in. I always end up using the credit card again by the end of the week just to buy food or a taxi ride.

Taxi rides – that was the other thing that wasted all my money. The battery on the electric bike was destroyed by electronic mind control. I was forced to fall asleep while assembling the battery for the electric bike, which required me to plug one cord into another cord, and then plug another cord into the motor. I plugged all the cords together into the battery, which short circuited it, and I did this because I was forced to fall asleep and daydream and lose
consciousness while setting it up.

The battery was Eric’s. We had to buy new cords for it, and I am no longer borrowing his battery. Batteries cost several hundred dollars. I attempted to buy one, only to find that they were unavailable and that I would have to ‘negotiate’ something with a seller in China. Right at that moment, I started working at Kaarma 60 hours a week, so I could not even finish that project. I went the entire time at Kaarma without an electric bike battery because I was unable to so much as even write a couple emails, or save a couple hundred dollars to buy the battery.

Then, I was forced to move partway into the tent without completely going there, so now, all my belongings, including the bike motor, are separated from me. I cannot just reassemble the bike motor right now – it’s out of reach. So I took a taxi all those nights when the buses weren’t running when the students were out of town. Result? I couldn’t save a single penny and I am now in debt on my credit card, even though I worked several months getting $400 a week. I could not even complete the process of applying for food stamps until this very week, and am trying again.

I was trying to think about going to community college and getting a degree in bookkeeping. Bookkeeping – able to be done without a college degree, so you avoid the expense of college. Community colleges are cheaper. I would be able to get some kind of financial aid, but I would still probably have debts to pay off for several years, while the disasters of my life would continue to happen. Even a small debt of $3,000 or so would be hopelessly unpayable. I would also have to work at a job while going to school, which means it would be like I was working 100 hours a week. Or more.

Bookkeeping was chosen because I discovered I was capable of doing it, and because it is possible to start your own business and go off on your own with pretty much zero dollars invested in your business – it has zero infrastructure. You don’t need to buy a factory. You’re just a professional working in an office or working from home. It was meant to be a step in a gradual process of moving up, so I wouldn’t necessarily be a bookkeeper forever, just long enough to save up enough money and start a new project, or have enough money to buy land, or buy something else I needed. Anything at all that would get me working above minimum wage jobs.

There is nothing keeping me in this town. Jesse is in the army. I was waiting for him to return, but he doesn’t come home and visit, and anyway, he has a girlfriend and is capable of finding other
girlfriends from time to time – he is not completely alone. I do not love this town – I hate it. I feel like I have been stuck in a cage for 20 years and I have gained absolutely nothing by being trapped here in this hell hole all this time. I came here in 1997. The rent is too high because there is a college here. On that map, I found single apartments in Altoona in the $500 range, whereas here, in State College, a single apartment is $900 or more. Then you have these morons listing a ‘single apartment’ when it actually is a single room with a bunch of roommates in other rooms, although fortunately, on that ‘hotpads’ website, I was able to uncheck the ‘room’ box in one of the drop down menus and was able to eliminate those idiots from the search results. I guess they think it’s a single room in a place which already has roommates, rather than an entire three-bedroom apartment with nobody in it, so technically I guess they weren’t necessarily morons putting it into the wrong category like I originally thought, but still, it’s so annoying to find the ‘rent a room with four other roommates’ listed under the same category as ‘single apartment.’ Those are two entirely different universes.

I’m in the process of applying for food stamps again. That is the first task. After that I can think about trying to save money for something, whether it’s a move to some other town, or what. I also need to argue about getting more days off, because they fucked me over – I told them I wasn’t available for particular days, and they scheduled me for those days, and I *attempted* to *partially* fix the problem, but I wasn’t emphatic enough, and so right now I am going to be scheduled with only two days off each week instead of three, because they do not understand just how serious I am when I say I DO NOT WANT TO WORK. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK. I NO LONGER BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK FIVE DAYS A WEEK. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT ANY HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE FORCED TO SPEND ALL OF THEIR WAKING HOURS OF THEIR LIFE AT A JOB. EVERY PERSON SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO WORK A SINGLE DAY EACH WEEK AND THEN HAVE SIX DAYS OF FREE TIME. WE SHOULD HAVE ROBOTS DOING ALL THE JOBS AND THEN GIVE EVERYBODY WELFARE. I NO LONGER BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM.

If I can muster up coherent thought in my pesticide-poisoned brain – hotel rooms are EXTREMELY toxic, as I always forget – if I stay in a hotel room, all I ever do is sleep and sleep and sleep because the poison. I am right now doing the laundry to decontaminate. I have still been sleeping since I came home because my clothes have the poison on them. They must fumigate the hotel rooms with mist or something. It’s everywhere. I do not know what the poison is, only that it is deadly toxic and it causes the endless sleep of death if I have been in a hotel room.

If I can muster up coherent thought…. I could write about why I no longer believe in capitalism, although I don’t have an alternative system that would replace it, nor do I have a name for whatever it is that I do believe in. I don’t know what it is, and cannot really imagine it. It only must be very different from what we have today.

The people who believe in capitalism have all these rationales defending it, such as, for instance, ‘If you complain about the real world that you see around you, you’re not actually complaining about capitalism, because capitalism isn’t what we have, we have some other system which should be called something else under some other category, such as “interventionism” or something. We don’t have a free market, therefore what you are complaining about isn’t

I am no longer diverted by such arguments. There is some kind of a trick to them. Even the ideal imaginary capitalism depends on land ownership and is inseparable from other things which are just unavoidably evil.

I don’t want to tax the ordinary people who are scrounging for crumbs just like I am. I would want to tax particular groups of people who I viewed as being responsible for causing all the evils of society. However, because they are evil and powerful, we are unable to do any actual harm to them. The people whose money and power need to be taken away from them are so wealthy and so powerful they are capable of defending themselves against any attempts to take away their money and power. We need to take away money and power from the huge, evil, massive, monstrous forces causing all the misery and suffering on earth, and those are the people who I would want to tax, not the ordinary slaves like me, not the people who are making only $10,000 more every year than I am, not the people who are making $50,000 a year, but the people in corporations and agencies that are making $50,000,000,000,000 a year. I want to steal and redistribute that money, because I do not approve of the purposes it is being used for, such as, to invade foreign countries and kill people. That’s the money I want to tax.

I do not blame all the other ordinary slaves for the suffering I’m experiencing, and I’d prefer not to tax them.

However, this assumes that the money for my food stamps actually COMES FROM the money collected in taxes. This is not necessarily true. It’s government. It’s impossible to say exactly where the money, quote unquote, ‘comes from,’ when you are talking about an agency that has the power to PRINT ITS OWN MONEY. Taxes are not collected for the purpose of spending the money on something. They are collected for the purpose of disempowering groups of people who somebody somewhere wants to disempower. If you want to bleed to death the average working millions of people, then tax them, but you might as well collect their money and burn it or throw it in the trash, because you don’t need it for anything and can do fine without it. An agency that is capable of printing its own money does not ‘need’ to collect taxes. And the money that I receive in food stamps does not necessarily ‘come from’ those collected taxes.

The states are inferior to the federal government and are less powerful than the fed. So in a way, the states do need to collect taxes, because they’re not allowed to print their own money. Only the fed can print its own money.

I need to talk more vehemently to my employer and tell them that I really need three days off each week. If I am going to be hunting for jobs in Altoona or someplace, or hunting for apartments there, then I am going to have to make trips to Altoona and walk around and look at things. I don’t know how the hell Agustin is able to just suddenly get on a bus and go to another town and get a job and an apartment, using his Guatemalan Magic. They all have these connections and word-of-mouth knowledge and all of them know people who live in all these cities scattered all over the country, so that when Freddy at Kaarma needs another Guatemalan, he can just call someone who lives in Nashville (Alejandro) and suddenly bring him to State College on a whim and pay his rent for him.

Imagine how great it would be if you could just move to a new city and already know that you had a big group of buddies who were all waiting there for you and would welcome you and provide you with a friendly culture that supports you. If I move, I am totally alone and moving into a hostile environment where nobody cares whether I live or die. Nobody supports me. I do not have a ‘community.’ I have a world of cold, unfriendly strangers who hate me and who do not see the world the same way I do.

I need to get out of this town and go someplace where the rent is lower, because IT IS LOWER IN OTHER PLACES. It really is possible to live. There is a minimum wage, which is the same everywhere – OOPS! THAT VIOLATES CAPITALISM! The only reason why it’s possible to exist, in some other city, is because the minimum wage guarantees that the ratio between the cost of an apartment, and the wages, will vary from city to city. If there were no minimum wage, then in every single city, they would lower the wages to the point where you could just barely exist, just like in this city. The ratio between your wages and your rent is always inevitably pushed (by the capitalists) to the lowest possible ratio so that you have to work 100 hours a week just to pay the rent. Always. Whatever causes the rent to vary from town to town, those forces are still operating, but the forces that push wages down lower and lower and lower are not operating; therefore, it is possible to find a place where the rent is lower, but the wage is still at minimum wage, so that the wage-to-rent ratio is reasonable. Now all we need is a rent cap. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. No more rent for you, evil bastards! I am no longer a capitalist. I no longer believe that it is okay to own huge areas of land and charge people huge rents to live on them.

I don’t believe people are really free, either, and capitalism depends on this concept that ‘if you don’t like it, then vote with your feet.’ How simple! Wouldn’t it be nice if all problems could be solved by merely voting with your feet! Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just get up and walk away from everything that ever bothered you in the world! There is no such thing as victimization! There is no such thing as helplessness! Capitalism depends on the idea that you are able to just seek out something better elsewhere, and it denies the fact that there are these huge, enormous, monstrous, unimaginable forces that are so huge, behemoths, giants, acting against you the individual, and they have existed for thousands of years, and these forces want to destroy you or submerge you and make you one of them. Those giant forces are your quote unquote ‘competition’ in the world of capitalism. Are they equal? Are they your peers? Are all men created equal, including the men who are lucky enough to be born into those behemoth powers? Are you fighting a fair fight against equal forces who are as strong as you are? Capitalism! Competition is fair! Competition is the greatest thing ever.

This isn’t my official essay on how and why I am not a capitalist anymore, and I haven’t explained what it is that I believe should exist in place of capitalism. I don’t know the answers to those things yet.

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