Loss of momentum, confusion; ordering random food from Orderup; unknown goals at the moment

My goals all stalled and I am confused. I don’t know if I’m moving out of this house into the tent, if I’m looking for an apartment, if I’m trying to buy an RV, if I’m trying to deliver messages to someone – I don’t know what’s going on. There has been a sudden loss of momentum, confusion, disorientation – a loss of goals. A few things changed. I don’t want to just waste my time off work, either – I am here for a purpose, not just to rest, but to get things done that I need to get done.

I do need a home, and it would be great if I could buy an RV. I’m trying to use craigslist to find an apartment, but I quickly become extremely disgusted. I hate craigslist passionately, for a reason. The people who control it and (some of) the people who use it are insane, evil sociopaths, the worst and lowest class of human beings on the planet, and I am not exaggerating.

The one time when I wrote an ad saying I wanted someone to take my cats, and I was hoping someone would agree with my views about vaccination, which is, that excessive rabies vaccinations aren’t necessary, and maybe even no vaccines at all are necessary for some, or many, pets – after I wrote that, a sinister person sent me a message saying, ‘I’d love to come over and play with you and your cats,’ and then, within a couple days, a rabid animal was put near my house and forced to fight with Max, causing him and Jacob both to get rabies, and I got it from them, resulting in the battle with rabies in the year of…. 2015? I think it was 2015. That’s all in the blog how that happened.

This person clearly believes that rabies vaccines are absolutely necessary, and they are a sociopath who uses unknown methods and/or mind control to force rabid animals to come into contact with my animals, when they otherwise would not have done so. ‘Racket’ is the word – a particular product or service (such as ‘protection’) would never have been needed, except for an evil person who deliberately attacks or destroys something so as to profit by offering the ‘protection’ from it. But I think that most animals in urban areas don’t come into contact with any animals that have rabies. However, this whole thing was in my blog last year and I don’t really want to get into it again.

Suffice it to say, there is something wrong with the way we handle rabies. We assume it is this hopelessly incurable disease, but actually I believe cures are out there, but people won’t look for them and don’t view it as a need. They don’t care if millions of people die from rabies in foreign countries, and don’t view rabies as a panic-inducing epidemic (like ‘SARS’ or something), when actually, rabies really is a horrible panic-inducing epidemic. Our whole attitude about rabies is distorted. There should be options besides vaccines for our pets – there should be a cure, but no one is bothering to try and invest any money in this – they make too much money from the vaccines.

So anyway, other than that incident, I have put up many ads that were flagged and deleted for no reason other than that somebody thought they were ‘abnormal’ or ‘annoying’ in some way, personally offensive to that particular person, who was too stupid to tolerant anything different from their tiny narrow little universe. The ads weren’t violating any craigslist rules. They were just odd or unusual.

The apartment search engine is completely insane. You search for “1+ bedrooms, 2+ bedrooms, 3+ bedrooms,’ and so on. You cannot change this to ‘less than 2 bedrooms’ – there is no ‘less than’ operator or ‘equal to’ operator, only a ‘more than’ which is permanently the only choice. So, if you want to search for nothing but a one bedroom apartment, you get to see ALL THE APARTMENTS, because the morons who made this search engine are too stupid to understand that the plus sign, greater than, means this search is totally unlimited and goes up to infinity, making it totally useless.

I wrote to them about this in the craigslist features forum, and a bunch of insane, evil trolls responded. They told me that all I have to do is just specify that I want a particular dollar value, like less than $500 or something. That doesn’t solve the problem – I still get hundreds of results from people looking for roommates, when what I want is a single apartment and nothing but a single apartment. I have to scroll through all these hundreds of useless results that aren’t what I want, which defeats the whole purpose of a filter or search engine.

Then a mindless shill jumped into the discussion and babbled, ‘Well, anytime *I* search for an apartment, *I* only want to look for THREE OR MORE bedrooms, because I have kids and we need a lot of bedrooms. The more you get, the better off you are!’ That’s right, more is always better! Regardless of whether I WANT more bedrooms or have any use for them, I should and must always search for more than what I need! Greed is good!

The people who own and operate the entire craigslist site, and the insane users who sit there patrolling it and flagging and deleting anything that looks odd even if it doesn’t violate any rules, and the sociopaths who respond to a vaccine-related advertisement by mind-controlling a rabid animal to come to my house and attack my cat – who are they, drug industry employees or something? These are exactly the same sort of people who are attacking innocent people with electronic weapons. Whoever they are, they are sociopaths. They are also insane morons with a completely delusional view in their tiny, narrow, pathetic little reality.

So, I passionately hate craigslist, and yet, there is no usable alternative to craigslist. There are a few sites that have hardly any users on them, so you might find one single ad in your town. I need to look for a lot of apartments, but not the big apartments that have the big websites and the big official ads and are marketed towards Penn State students. Those apartments are easy to find. I’m looking instead for smaller, unofficial apartments and houses and ads made by normal people, not these gigantic real estate companies. Craigslist is the only place to find that kind of ad.

Anything controversial, anything that goes against the drug industry or, probably, the banking industry, or the vaccine industry, or any particular social norm, is flagged and deleted by trolls patrolling craigslist with nothing else to do all day – probably paid by those industries to do this very thing, just like trolls all over the internet get paid to spread disinformation and propaganda.

And the ‘plus’ sign for the number of bedrooms in the filter, it probably serves a purpose too – the real estate companies don’t WANT you to find exactly the apartment you need, and nothing but that, quickly and easily. They WANT to force you to keep scrolling through hundreds upon hundreds of wrong results, from people in college student apartments looking for roommates, because they want profit. They want you to just give up on searching for a single apartment, and just join with some roommates in one of their gigantic super-huge group apartment buildings instead. Because that is how I feel, after scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through everything that is wrong, everything I don’t want – I start to feel tempted to just give up and just sign up with somebody who wants roommates.

I don’t want roommates. Not this time, not anymore. I need total control over my own living space, or else there will be no progress whatsoever. I need, absolutely, nothing but a single apartment, or else an RV, or else a house that I buy. Nothing else but that will do. No more roommates, no more shared kitchens, no more shared refrigerators, no more shared bathrooms. I must control the way everything is used, in those spaces. I must have a workshop. I must be free to do whatever I want to at 2:00 in the morning without worrying about who is getting woken up by my music, the sound of my power tools running, me singing and dancing in the living room naked, having a boyfriend visit me, or whatever in the hell that I want to do in my space. I need to arrange all the tools and appliances in the kitchen so that they are ergonomic for me to use.

I hate kitchens passionately – all of them need to be completely destroyed. I want to remove every single badly designed pointless wooden cupboard attached to the wall, so that I have nothing but totally bare walls in my kitchen. I want to remove and destroy every useless tiny sink that is too small to wash any pots and pans. Bare walls – that’s the only kitchen I want. No cupboards. I will bring in my own wheeled cabinets or drawers, which I can freely move around into any convenient position. They must be loose and not attached to the walls. I need tables at an ergonomic height for my shortness, and if I’m going to have a harem of a dozen Guatemalan slaves then they are all short too and they are going to need short tables to work on.

I took ginseng earlier today, after not taking it for a very long time. So the things that I am saying are going to be not quite my usual self.

Maybe the Guatemalans would like to believe that I am going to have a harem of a dozen Guatemalan slaves, but alas, I actually am rather picky about who I am with. I do love all of them but I am not going to claim all of them as my own.

That’s part of why I have been feeling indecisive – boyfriends. Jesse has been talking to me again, from a long distance away where he is stationed in Washington. I was okay with him having a girlfriend – I was happy about that and I wanted them to stay together, but now he tells me they have broken up. So now I am partly reinvested in Jesse again. This means that I feel conflicted about investing in Agustin.

Also, now that I got through the incident of accidentally being inseminated unexpectedly – I totally never thought that would actually happen for real in this universe, but it really, actually, for real, happened. I thought it was impossible and then it happened. Now that that incident is over, now that I am not pregnant and I’ve just finished my period and am preparing to ovulate again, this time, I am able to choose deliberately to seek after such a thing. What? You did that to me one time? Do you want to try again? I can be driven to such a thing.

But the people who control me do not, actually, seem bound and determined to get me pregnant for real. They knew what they were doing when they made the incident happen too many days after my ovulation – it was never intended to get me pregnant for real, although I benefited from it by quitting caffeine cold turkey instantly due to my knowledge that even a single cup is extremely harmful to the child. I am still COLD TURKEY RIGHT NOW. Nothing. I still have impulses and urges and cravings, and I am fighting them and looking for alternatives. For instance, if I have a coffee craving, it’s okay for me to substitute candy instead of coffee. A craving for an unknown something – just eat candy or junk food. I do whatever I can to temporarily stave off the cravings. I’ve been drinking more juice, more milk, more cream, eating more candy, eating and drinking random things, anything that eases the pain of quitting coffee (but that contains absolutely zero caffeine in any form, and no similar drugs like theobromine or theophylline).

So, I am lost. I don’t know where I am living now, all of a sudden, and don’t know if I am supposed to go and try with all my effort to get pregnant this very instant, or try to get a house or an RV, using the craigslist website owned and operated and patrolled by the most evil, vile, disgusting sociopaths on the planet.

I’m waiting for my food – I hope it gets here soon.

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