having to deal with the voices

So I went for a walk to process my decision. I had to battle and battle and battle and battle with the voices, which were absolutely hysterical and were screaming at me at the top of their lungs and refusing to let me think about this on my own. My own way of dealing with it is to decide what I am going to do here and now, tonight. I need to move out and get into the tent for a lot of reasons, but they are not listening to my reasons and all of the voices are refusing to let me leave this house. I told them that if they want to personally come to my door and give me the money for not only the bus pass but also all the taxicabs that I have to take in the past, present, and future, because of living miles and miles away from everything, while they simultaneously took away my bike motor and wouldn’t let me have it back – after all that, if they still want me to live here then they are going to have to come to my door and hand me a whole lot of cash so that I can ride everywhere for every little thing.

They need this room. I am not paying rent. I am doing nothing around the house. I am not cooking at home. Eric’s girlfriend might want to live in this room. The nephew might come back. I am taking up space that other people need.

The voices were also screaming and screaming and screaming trying to reason with Freddy. Freddy is a moron and he cannot be reasoned with. Do not even try to reason with him. He is a narrow-minded idiot who cannot see the most obvious things that would easily and quickly solve this problem. He has a rigid worldview where every little thing has to be exactly in its place and it all has to be done exactly in the normal way that it has always been done with no changes.

The voices keep trying, and trying, and trying, to clarify to Freddy, which is futile, that what I mean when I say ‘get a waitress to wash the dishes’ – I don’t mean that she should wash dishes AND WAITRESS at the same time. She should do nothing but wash dishes, while ANOTHER WAITRESS goes out and waits tables that day. Mrs. X is a waitress on Wednesday, but on Monday, Mrs. X is a dishwasher, and Mr. Z is the waiter instead of Mrs. X. Why is this concept so impossible to understand? You do one job one day, and another person does that same job another day, and another person takes your place while you do a different task or a different job on a different day. This is perfectly easy to understand. We have all these people, what seems like dozens of waitresses who come and go, get hired and then leave after a week or two. Any of those people could have been used as a dishwasher instead of a waitress for a day or two.

The voices don’t seem to understand that Freddy is incapable of reasoning. They also don’t seem to understand that he has different values because he is a Beta Quadra LSI-ISTj. So he doesn’t value personal values or personal time or personal life. He doesn’t care about something like self-improvement, enjoying life, having hobbies and interests, learning and growing. Those are all Delta Quadra values. His brain is hardwired to reject all of those concepts permanently and forever because of his personality type. For him, spending every waking and sleeping hour of his life working at a job is a perfectly happy lifestyle until the day he dies. He does not want to have a life, he does not want to have personal interests, he does not want to have free time, he does not have a concept of ‘quality of life.’

‘Quality of life’ is a notion that does not exist in his brain at all. You cannot tell him that quality of life is an essential basic human need that everyone needs, and therefore people do not want to, and should not, spend every waking hour of their lives at their jobs, but rather, should have more and more time off, more and more free time, as the desired goal of their existence. More and more control over your own time, and less and less time being controlled by other people, is a Delta Quadra value, and the opposite of a Beta Quadra value. Betas value being controlled by other people. They WANT to be controlled by other people. Freddy WANTS his entire life to exist in that tiny little world of his jobs, his businesses, away from home, away from love, away from freedom, because his brain is programmed permanently and forever, irrevocably, hardwired, to disvalue home, family, freedom, life, and quality of life. It is futile to argue with him. It is futile to try to explain that this is a value or a universal human need. He is an LSI-ISTj and his brain is hopelessly incapable of conceiving of these things, for eternity. Cut him off forever.

So I had to take a long walk and try to make the voices shut the fuck up so that I could decide what to do and how to do it. I need to get into the tent. I’m going to lie down and sleep for a while.

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