Awake and sludgy

I don’t think my liver works very well, and it can’t handle a lot of ibuprofen. Fortunately I did not need tons and tons of ibuprofen. If I recall, I only took three or four, and then the cramps stopped.

I do have pale colored stools now that I stopped drinking coffee. Coffee causes bile secretion, but that doesn’t make it good for you. It just hides an underlying condition, which is a weird liver problem.

I associated the worsening of my pale stools with 1. being exposed to rainfall, and 2. walking near creeks. It could be poison falling from the sky, maybe glyphosate, or chemtrails.

I don’t have a lot of time but I wanted to tell the story of how I came to believe chemtrails are real, even if it might be possible that normal jet planes also leave a trail – I do not know anymore if they do, for real.

First, I met this couple many years ago, and they were intelligent and eccentric, and the guy wrote a web page about chemtrails. It had this ‘paranoid conspiracy theory’ feeling about it, and yet, I don’t entirely, or didn’t entirely back then, rule out the possibility, it’s just that I don’t like the style of the message. I want to use direct action. I don’t like to feel helpless against gigantic overwhelming forces. Direct action must be advocated in order for me to feel empowered, and so, web pages that don’t advocate direct action just make me feel horrible. Same is true for web pages about mind control.

So I went years with that helpless feeling, that maybe chemtrails exist and are real, but if they do, I can’t know and I can’t do anything about them.

Then I continued reading alternative news websites and seeing more mentions of chemtrails, and I saw the patents for them, and new official terminology: ‘geoengineering’ instead of the informal ‘chemtrails.’ Now that I had an ‘official term’ for what they were called, and patents for them, I definitely believed they were real.

I can’t smell them, the way some people say they can. But I remember noticing, before I ever knew about chemtrails, that the sky seemed to get cloudier and hazier as I grew older. I remember longing for the deep blue skies of my youth. I remember thinking, maybe my eyesight is going bad as I get older, and that’s why skies no longer look blue. I clearly remember thinking and noticing these things all by myself.

I have to get on the bus now. I don’t feel well and I’m really, really craving a cup of coffee. Apparently, menstruation and ibuprofen and tobacco residues are combining to put me in a brain state that hasn’t yet been cleared of the habit of drinking coffee – just like that time when I went to Weis and smelled that unique smell of that store, and remembered a time in the past when that smell always meant I was about to buy coffee. It wasn’t even the smell of coffee as such, it was the overall smell of Weis. The same might be happening now. I have to create new memories of NOT DRINKING COFFEE during menstruation, ibuprofen use, and tobacco exposure (which causes cravings for EVERYTHING).

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