damn it, not a period

Okay, that was just ‘spotting.’ There was a spot of blood, but it didn’t start the period. This has happened to me before, several times, especially in recent years. About a week before the real period, I sometimes feel like I’m about to start menstruating and then only a tiny bit of blood comes out, and then nothing. So that seems to be happening now. I took another test and of course it came back negative, but it’s also officially too early to take the tests for at least another week.

I know that I’m not pregnant, I just want to prove it and be done with it. At the same time, I will not deliberately cause my period to happen – I have actually felt as though I triggered it to happen by eating real mint, wild growing mint, which is an abortifacient herb. I didn’t eat a lot, just a few leaves, and my period started seemingly early or sooner than it would have. So I won’t even eat a few leaves of mint.

I didn’t give him the message. I also got covered with tobacco and inhaled tobacco fumes because I sat on the smokers’ bench and there was a cigarette butt disposal container thing next to me, which smelled bad, and residues on the bench itself.

I’m pretty sure I saw him. They took a taxi, three guys, and it looked like he turned and looked at me as they drove by. ‘They’ suggested that I should sit in a place where I was visible. This whole venture was anxiety provoking.

I wonder why they are taking a taxi. There are some buses that go there, but maybe they don’t know how to use the bus, and it is actually hard to use the bus, I agree, especially if you don’t really speak English, not entirely, and you have to read the bus schedule. I don’t know if that’s the problem or if it’s for some other reason. I wonder if they have to pay for their own taxi? The third guy is a guy I don’t recognize, but he is also a small Guatemalan looking guy, with a sad, weary face, of medium young age, maybe his twenties. I saw him last time I was there, when I told Agustin there was no baby.

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I got a couple things done. I liberated my potted plants yesterday, the garden of weeds, which used to be an herb garden. I couldn’t do any gardening while working 60 hours a week. Now it will be easier to move to the tent. I could not easily carry the weed garden on a bus or in a taxi. The weeds were very tall, and some of the containers were fragile and breaking.

I picked up my Spanish dictionary. This does not contribute to the goal of moving out of the house, but it contributes to the goal of learning Spanish.

I bought just a couple of groceries, but nothing much. I also got cat food.

I set up a small tent which is ready for sleeping in, although I should get new pillows one of these days instead of just burying the moldy pillows underneath a blanket. Now it is possible to live at the camp, as soon as I am ready to move my last few belongings there.

**********
I had to have several days off to do this, because every errand takes HOURS AND HOURS while I wait for buses and transfer to other buses and walk down long sidewalks and push my bike up hills. Freddy doesn’t understand this because he has a car. He has no idea how long it takes and he thinks I can just accomplish every errand in ten minutes during my lunch breaks. One single errand is a huge big deal that takes up THE WHOLE DAY to do. I can get done approximately one errand per day, maybe two if I am very energetic, but I have to take a nap in between because I will be so exhausted from walking long distances and pushing my bike up hills.

I will, of course, need to do the same next week, and forever, if there is to be any consistent progress at all. I will continue to need off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, or there will be no progress whatsoever in my life, just helpless stagnation while the mountain of problems piles up higher and higher. There are infinity more tasks to do. I am only doing the most urgent ones which are only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more tasks and projects that are not yet done, I cannot even remember what they all are. When I write a to-do list that includes fantasy projects that I wish I had time and money and resources to do, the list becomes many, many pages long and includes such things as ‘learn to play a violin.’ Not an emergency, but a desire. I want to live my life.

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