translating the longest letter ever written

I wrote this huge letter and it’s all just a bunch of whining and complaining. I’m still using the online translator on my phone, instead of the Spanish dictionary – the paper dictionary will be what I use as I learn more and more grammar and can actually construct a sentence. I can’t even construct a sentence yet. I can only construct extremely simple sentences, but those are things I don’t even want to bother saying.

I start writing something in the translator and suggestions pop up, from things people are often searching for. ‘Will you…’ results in ‘Will you marry me?’ popping up. ‘I want to…’ results in ‘I want to make love to you,’ ‘I want to kiss you,’ and other things that I kind of want to avoid saying in letters at the moment. Those things are in fact true, but I’m going to avoid saying them. I’m going to emphasize the idea that we need to get to know each other a little bit and have a real relationship – he is meant to be more than just a mere fucktoy. I know he’s a human being with a soul, and I want to start getting to know that soul.

I wake up each day hearing voices pretending to express how he feels, that he wants to see me, that he is looking for me, that he hopes I will appear where he is, that he misses me. I have no way to know if any of that is true, but I can only tell you, these voices are extremely persistent and extremely strong and stubborn. They also do it in the evening and in the night, any time there’s a potential for me to be able to go where he is and see him and deliver a message. They torture me with disappointment if I don’t go. They give me anxiety and fear that this relationship is going to die and fade away if I don’t keep it alive and keep on communicating with him.

They also say things about Gerber, who seems to be his good friend, and maybe they do rent a house together. They are ESFP and ESTP, a kindred socionic relation. Somehow, Gerber must not be excluded or left out. They say other things about Gerber, like, for instance, he wants to kill himself. I certainly don’t want that to happen.

So I am painstakingly trying to translate this letter, even though it is a useless letter, just to give him a letter, anything at all, to stay in touch. I can’t understand what I am translating, I can’t understand the structure of the sentences, and so sometimes I can’t choose which is the right translation, when I look at the alternate translations. There are some things that happen, like when you ask a question, or when you say ‘If this, then that’ (conditional), or when you do an action to another object or to yourself, and it gets complicated and I don’t understand all that stuff yet – I’m still at the very beginning of my grammar book. There’s a lot of studying I need to do. So I might be saying the exact opposite of what I want to say, and causing confusion – I don’t know. But he will have a piece of paper that says *something*, and he knows that I can’t translate very well yet, so if there is confusion, maybe he will understand it’s just bad translation.

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