okay

I found my bunny at his other job and informed him that I’m not pregnant. I don’t know if we’ll ever have sex again. I’m still hearing voices talking about him and about whatever has happened. He does in fact work overnight doing the cleaning, just like Yuri from Ukraine who I knew years ago working at Target. This is a horribly cold and boring job, very different from the warm, friendly kitchen where he could talk and socialize with people. I don’t know the exact reason why he and Gerber both suddenly decided to quit.

I also do not know exactly what I am going to do, moving onwards from here. I told Freddy that I wasn’t going to be coming in on Mondays or Tuesdays. He didn’t take it well. However, something seems obvious to me. We always, or usually, had a third person helping the cooks, although now we only have two, with both Gerber and Agustin gone. If we’re somehow surviving with only two cooks now, then it’s obvious to me that we could potentially have a third cook again, except on Monday and Tuesday, the third cook would also do the dishes. If we are able to survive without a third man right now, then we would be able to survive if that person did the dishes on the two days when I was gone.

WHAT!!! How dare I suggest that a high and mighty cook should soil his perfect hands doing dishes! That is beneath him!

I just had to use this brute force to get myself more time off. Every time I try to get someone to replace me, we have some kind of problems and it falls through and never happens. But it ABSOLUTELY MUST HAPPEN. If I were, say, unable to work on those two days for some other ‘legitimate’ recognized reason, such as childcare or something, it seems as though I’d be able to tell him I’m not available.

As of now, I don’t know exactly what is really going on. I cannot separate myself from the voices in my head and what they tell me. I have never lived in a voices-free world. I was hearing voices telling me what to do even in the years before I was aware of the existence of electronic weapons; it’s just that, back then, I believed the voices were just ‘another part of myself’ and that I was having ‘internal conflicts,’ which was the reason why I needed to see a
psychotherapist. Now I know that those ‘internal conflicts’ do not exist. The brain is a smooth flowing organ that is highly competent at doing whatever it is naturally designed to do. It does not sit there opposing itself and preventing itself from understanding and deciding things. That is the result of electronic weapon attacks and mind control.

I feel somewhat at peace today. I was miserable and hopeless yesterday. But I feel at peace because I found him at his other job and briefly passed him and gave him a piece of information, and I feel at peace because I did not request, I did not demand, but rather, I informed my boss about what I have already decided that I will do with or without his consent. I am not waiting for anyone’s consent anymore. I will take those two days off. Now it’s up to him to decide what to do about it. It’s not my problem anymore. If I end up losing my job, then that is what I will have to deal with. I don’t want to get fired, but I also don’t want to work 60 hours a week and get paid only $400. I also don’t want to work 60 hours and get paid $500, or $600. $700 might be in the realm where it’s just barely beginning to feel as though it’s worthwhile to do it. I know he will never pay me that number, and so, I will just refuse to work extra hours, and get my free time instead.

With Agustin the issue is now of whether to let him go, or whether to continue trying to reach him. I still want to understand. I’m still hearing voices and being controlled.

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