junk food for breakfast, but I have pistachios

I ate the last chocolate bar with almonds, and I have a few pistachios leftover which I’m eating now. I do have the leafy green salad mix stuff in the fridge and the raw mushrooms, but I want variety and I ate a bunch of that yesterday afternoon, and I don’t want to just sit around eating nothing but salad mix and mushrooms for the rest of eternity until they are all gone. I need other things. I just have a few random leftovers of snack foods and junk foods in my bedroom. I do love shopping at Wegmans and I was going there all that time earlier this year while living in this house; I might have made up a fake memory, but I seem to remember one time seeing Agustin carrying out buffet trays for the buffet at Wegmans. It could be a sort of ‘wishful thinking memory,’ where I made up a memory because I put the pieces together after finding out his second job was there. But I do seem to remember it. I might have even said ‘hello’ to this person and not gotten an answer. I sometimes say hello to random strangers because I came from West Virginia.

Going without coffee – it hasn’t even started to hurt yet, especially since I had a chocolate bar. I cannot imagine how it will feel a couple days from now when I start sleeping and don’t want to wake up. I have to be able to get out of bed. That’s all that matters, get up and go to work in the morning, somehow without coffee. I have no idea how in the hell I will be able to do that.

I will be obsessed with food from now on. Everything will be about food, yet I am prevented from hunting and gathering for myself – I must slave for others and produce food which is not the kind of food that I desire to be eating. Not to insult our food, I like it, but I want other things, very specific things.

I’m also freezing and I wish Mike would turn on the heat. It’s August! Time to crank the heater up to 80 degrees! This is why I wish I was living in my own apartment. I don’t have a blanket! I have this thin tiny little borrowed blanket, and no jacket, no coat, nothing, just two thin sweatshirts. I need to get a coat! Either at the tent or from the store. I need warm clothes now and blankets for this bed. I would seriously be warmer if I were sleeping in the tent than I am here in a house with a paper-thin blanket and the heater not on. At least in my tent I would have multiple sleeping bags inside each other.

I can do nothing. All of my knowledge is thrown out the window. That is my surrender. I know everything I must do, and I cannot do one single bit of it, except quitting coffee, for a brief moment, until I probably screw that up too. But coffee causes severe and extreme trauma. It is not to be taken lightly. It is major damage.


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