Why do I write?

There are a lot of reasons.

I have written since I was a teenager. I had no computer, so I wrote in spiral bound notebooks, and I filled up one after another over the years. As a teenager I wrote some fiction stories and some diaries. I also drew cartoons, and back then, I drew aquarelle crayon paintings, where you draw with the crayon first and then paint water over it to make it look like a watercolor that has more texture.

I write because I enjoy using my brain a certain way, and there are very few activities that are able to trigger this brain state. I love the process of typing on a keyboard. It makes me focus a certain way to move my fingers, while also thinking of the words I’m going to say. However, this is not the same mental process as I would use if I were thinking more deeply about the structure of the writing as a whole, its whole narrative over time, its whole plot and how the plot elements fit together, which is a more difficult mental function for me to use and probably requires intuition. I can use my sensing functions to move my fingers over the keyboard and use my sensing functions to talk about particular topics, such as what happened in the last 24 hours, and also use my ethics function that is valued in the Delta socionics quadra, the ethics of relationships.

I am restless and overcaffeinated much of the time, and have a desire to use my brain but no way to use it. I have no one to talk to. If I had someone to talk to who was able to trigger that flowing brain state during the conversation, then I would spend my time talking to them instead of writing, but I have nobody at all who is able to trigger an extremely deep and flowing brain state while talking to me. If they did, it would be like psychotherapy, where someone would keep asking me what does this mean to me, why do I value this, why do I believe this, what am I trying to accomplish.

So I write, to trigger a flowing brain state for very long periods of time, sometimes hours if I am very overcaffeinated or on other herbal drugs. I also use it as a substitute for movement and work because I am tired. I could be doing productive thinking and productive activities, but am too tired to get out of bed and move around.

Also, the brain zapping from either the electronic weapon attacks or the electromagnetic ‘smog,’ the background noise from all of the cell phones and all of the other radio waves people are using, regardless of whether they are intended to be an attack on me personally or not, all of that noise interferes with my brain and my body and my nerves (and it interferes with everybody, but some people have a worse experience of it than other people do and some people don’t notice much of a problem – I am hypersensitive to this disturbance).

Since I can’t think properly because of these attacks and noise, I’m not able to function very productively. I can’t do useful activities that I otherwise would have been doing if I were free to use my mind and my body. I can’t interact with people in a deep, satisfying way because I can’t focus enough to bond with the person I’m talking to. Bonding deeply with a person requires you to direct all of your attention to that person, to all of their movements and emotions, everything they say, their gestures, and possibly even the
electromagnetic fields generated from their body, because human bodies create their own electromagnetic fields that surround our bodies, and we also create smells and pheromones and vapors out of our skin and our breath that are able to influence others.

I can’t solve my recurring, ongoing life problems because of these attacks and the inability to use my brain. For all practical purposes, I am disabled. I have a genius IQ but am not able to use it at all except for the most mundane routines. I have creative talents and abilities that are all being unused. It’s made even worse by constantly working at a job, constantly being fatigued and
overcaffeinated, and constantly being malnourished. ‘Being
productive’ and ‘working at a job where somebody else takes all the profit’ are not the same thing, so I have always wanted to either start my own business, or look for ways to live independently so that I am losing less of my productivity to others.

And so, I write, to entertain myself in this prison and to ease my suffering. I usually don’t expect anyone to read it and I am very shocked if I discover that anybody actually is reading it. I have a few friends, family, and an ex-boyfriend (still a friend) who I know for sure are reading my blog.

I have many random strangers who find my blog through google searches, and most of them probably just skim through the one page that they found, and then leave again, partly because google won’t even take them to the actual page that has the word or phrase they were looking for, that bastard google, which is why I finally turned on the ‘search this site’ box up at the top. Google will tell you that my blog had a particular word or phrase on it at some time, but when you actually click on that in the google search results, it will take you to, for instance, the main page of the blog, which is an ever-changing page that pushes out old blog posts at the bottom so that they are no longer there, and if the search result was in an older post, it sucks to be you, you’ll click to get here and find nothing.

I hate search engines. I am not a fan of them at all anymore. Their goal is to take you to pages that advertisers will pay for you to go to, and also take you to pages that the disinformation campaign wants you to go to (pages paid for by drug companies, banks, government, and other ‘official’ sources of ‘authorized’ information instead of independent information provided by normal people). The goal of the search engines is NOT to take you directly to the exact piece of information that you desire to find. The very opposite is true. The goal of the search engines is to take you to something that will make a profit for somebody somewhere, regardless of whether you wanted to find that information or not. If they take you AWAY from whatever you wanted to find, they are happy about that if it’s a piece of taboo information that the censors don’t want you to know, a taboo product or service that the censors don’t want you to find, and so on, or if it’s a product that competes against something made by a more powerful company that doesn’t want any competition.

Anyway… my blog…. random people do google searches and find it when they are searching for various search terms, but I am not making a deliberate effort to attract website visitors. I could do a lot more. For instance, I could ‘tag’ every blog with some kind of a topic, but that requires mental effort and usually I don’t feel it’s important enough to do.

Why do I write…. lots of pent-up mental energy and nothing to do with it. I write to see if anybody out there in the world even knows that I exist, and, once again, I am always very shocked and surprised to find out that yes, they do know I exist. I simply can’t believe it when I discover that anybody at all knows that I exist.

So, forgive me for not knowing that people know that I exist, because I’ve been traumatized for a very long time. There was a time in the past when I wrote a blog which was directed at an audience. I actually started out on MySpace. There’s a dead link to it and it doesn’t work anymore, somewhere on this page. I haven’t fixed all the dead links on this page – it all needs cleaned up and that requires tons of free time that I don’t have, and probably could only happen if I were using herbal drugs like St. John’s Wort.

(I talk about these drugs but I don’t recommend them. I only used them out of desperation because of severe fatigue and major problems. They actually cause so many side effects that they can be dangerous and even life-ruining. In the past, I was totally and completely opposed to all drugs including herbal drugs, but was forced against my will to start using them and compromising, which ruined my life. Zero compromise is the true pathway.)

Anyway, I once wrote a blog that was audience-conscious. I knew I had an audience, I knew who they were, I knew they existed, and they knew I existed. It was on MySpace. I knew who was reading it. I said things that weren’t taboo, and I directed them at the audience, knowing that it had to be interesting and worth reading, knowing that I had to edit and censor myself, that I had to limit the length to a length that was tolerable enough for a normal person to read for only a couple minutes without wasting all of their time, and so on. I had an optimistic outlook in that blog because I did not want to project an attitude of despair that other people would have to read.

A series of events occurred, which involved mind control, that resulted in my starting a separate blog where I would just say ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING without censorship and without being conscious of my audience. My audience doesn’t exist, and so, if they suffer because the blog is too long, or because the blog is too whiny and all I do is complain, that’s their problem, not mine, because they aren’t even here reading it. That’s how this blog was originally.

I started to *slightly* censor this blog, mostly from sexual topics, because I accumulated real people who were reading it, and I tend to be somewhat private about sex, somewhat restrained or reserved. Also, I am no longer affected by drugs as much as I was in the past. Drugs make me more sexual. I wrote blog posts that attracted a lot of people because they were searching for sex on the internet and so there are one or two pages that are really popular and actually have some comments on them. (When I say ‘drugs,’ I only mean herbal drugs.)

The blog originally was hidden, without any connection to my name. Then, once again, a series of events occurred that led to me being prompted to do things to link this blog to my name, to remove anonymity, to reveal who I am to everyone who searches for me. So now it is possible to search for my name on the internet and find links to this blog.

I often write because I am hungry, and my life is so unstable that I am often in situations where I can’t eat food easily, or I am eating the wrong kinds of foods and still feel hungry. When that happens, writing goes on for hours and hours and hours.

So, most of those reasons still exist. If I stop writing, I will simply have nothing to do.

I don’t have time to read online anymore, and I’m not using herbal drugs that change my brain state. But in the past, when I had more time to read and was using more drugs, I used to write about more intellectual topics or about economics.

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