horrible food

I just ordered some horrible food to be delivered. I have nothing in the fridge except leftover kidney, which I ate some of earlier today. I am so hungry I can’t even think anymore. I can’t even think about alternatives, such as OrderUp, which might have some restaurants with better food than I am getting. I just got the absolute worst junk from Domino’s.

Could I have a relationship with Agustin? Yes, it might be similar to my relationship with Jesse. We would be able to enjoy watching movies together, snuggling, having sex. I could cook for him at home, if I knew what he wanted to eat. The socionic mirage relationship is able to have a conversation but after a little while it fizzles out and they run out of things to say. It would be possible to think of more ideas of what to talk about if there were other people there in the room socializing, so that it wasn’t just the two of us talking to each other alone. We would have good conversations in a group of people. I use a weird socionics model, and in that model, you can sort of almost dualize with business relations, so if we had an ILI-INTp or IEE-ENFp in the room (of any gender, outside the relationship) that person would be able to help a lot with the conversation. I tend to talk quite well with my ‘business’ relations (also known as
‘lookalikes’) as though I am dualizing with their base function, which is why I like my weird socionics model.

The purpose of socionics is to tell you how the future will go, how it’s going to happen in the long distant future, in your relationship. There will be particular kinds of problems that will never go away no matter how hard you try and no matter how much marriage counseling you get. These personality types are so fundamental, they exist the same in all races of humans, as though they already existed before we even became human. They are a fundamental part of our anatomy, an anatomical variation, something in the physical shape of the brain.

Oh, I should turn on the porch light for the pizza driver.

Anyway… I am starving, but I drank some coffee.

I would always know that Agustin needed something other than physical comfort, and me, too. We would be able to have conversations, but we would both be lacking something. I only am talking about a socionic relation, so I would not want Agustin to think that I am criticizing him personally. These relations are an abstract idea that applies to every person even if you don’t know them. It’s a prediction of what will happen. I haven’t actually had conversations with Agustin, other than our first text messaging session after which we became unable to get a reply, for unknown reasons, which I still do not know.

But is it a horrible relation, filled with fights and arguing? No. It’s relatively stable and it has a lot of warmth and affection. We get along, but we just sort of bore each other and fail to fulfill each other’s dreams of true love. We fail to understand some things that we both need somebody to understand. But not a bad relation, not a violently hate-filled relation. That is what socionics predicts will happen.

So, does he have anything at all to gain by being with me, even a couple times a month just for physical comfort? Can he find other girls? Does he have a true love? Does he already have a girlfriend? I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. I only know it is a tragic waste to let his gorgeous body not be enjoyed or shared, especially with the mood I was in yesterday when I know for certain I was ovulating and my body was ready for pregnancy. Is anyone else ever with him, or is he alone? Does he have a long-distance girlfriend someplace far away, or back in Guatemala? There aren’t a ton of Spanish-speaking people nearby, so his choices are limited, or else he has to try to speak English and find women in this town.

I am waiting for my horrible food to be delivered. I want to cook my own food in my own fridge. I want a single apartment. I want to control the space. I am hesitating on offers that I have received to share a room with various people – I have had some answers to ads that I put on Craigslist and one or two friends and acquaintances who have also offered to help. I really, really want a single room where I have total control over the environment and my working spaces and my privacy, even if it is hugely expensive to have a single room. It might actually be worth that extra money if I have total control over the space and the working areas. I am that serious about how important it is – total control over workspace, even at the huge cost of a single room. I might try this, just once – find single rooms, pay $800 a month, work like a fucking Guatemalan, have four jobs.

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