The slow, agonizing train wreck going on

I still want Agustin and I never stop wanting him. But I cannot look at him. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I can’t do it, because of socionics. I saw Brent doing it with a girl at McDonald’s, once. There was a new manager who started working at our store, and I believe she was a Gamma NT, either an ILI or LIE. I don’t know for sure. She and Brent were looking at each other, while at work, and making these blatantly leering faces at each other, which to me seemed like a joke, but to them it was totally serious.

I think I am supposed to be gazing into his eyes and openly looking like I desire him all the time (Agustin), except I cannot do that because I feel constant, unbearable pain and the desire to cry. I am in pain because he stopped answering my text messages and I have no way to communicate with him other than writing letters which I translate from English to badly written Spanish for his convenience. I can’t show any kind of positive desiring emotions towards Agustin unless I am on drugs, which is wrong, because I don’t want to be on drugs all the time – I would rather not use any drugs at all.

And the only reason I can do it when I’m on drugs is because I lose all my own human emotions. I am not supposed to just forget that I am in pain and suffering. I am not supposed to just forget that the way we are interacting with each other is not a good thing – that I shouldn’t be ignored when I try to contact someone.

I’m still going to work at that job, and I’m still going to work with Agustin, and I’m still going to be extremely attracted to him – I have fallen in love with brown skin. I truly love the particular color of their reddish brown skin, a slightly different color than African skin, their native American appearance, their shortness – all of them are short except Gerber, who is about the size of an average ‘Yankee.’ They are actually shorter than I am, and I am five foot two. I love them all for being short brown people. I love their culture, what little I know of it, what little I see of it.

But I don’t have a socionic dual among them. I have my illusionary, and he is very young, and I think he is unwilling to allow me to break the law. For whatever reason, he fears the law.

In my opinion, the law is irrelevant unless someone actually complains, and I would hope that neither he nor I would complain. Earlier today the voices were saying something which I kind of took as a joke, and kind of took seriously: laws are written because there’s always some asshole out there who ruins the privilege for everyone else. Everyone was doing just fine, until some jerk decided to take advantage of the privilege, which resulted in a law being written that ruined the situation for EVERYONE.

We have a bowl sitting out with some candy in it that anyone can take for free, but some fucking asshole comes along and takes the entire bowl of candy for himself, and doesn’t leave any for anyone else, so we write this law saying that you have to sign a form before you are allowed to take a piece of candy out of the candy bowl otherwise some asshole will steal the whole goddamn thing. We have teenagers who are able to make decisions and able to have sex, but some asshole rapist comes along and decides to have sex with some eight year old by using brute force, and the result is that everybody everywhere gets banned from having sex with teenagers who are in that gray area from age fifteen to seventeen where they’re able to make decisions, able to consent, able to have sex, and want to have sex, and are able to have sex with kind and gentle people who won’t hurt them, won’t rape them, and won’t take advantage of them, but alas we are not allowed to because some other jerk ruined the privilege for everyone. Well, that was what I was thinking about earlier today.

So I will continue going to work, continue admiring the beauty of Agustin’s body and continue feeling affection at the sound of his voice and his emotional expressions and his interactions with his coworkers, but I am not going to fight the war – I am not going to continue drowning, or having a train wreck, or whatever metaphor you use to describe this hell torture that I am enduring, knowing that he won’t allow me to ignore the law as I would like to do. I’m not the one complaining. I’m not going to be the one who calls the police and says, ‘Hey, police, guess what? I just had sex with an underage minor! What a jerk! He corrupted an elder!’ And I would hope Agustin would not be the one to call and complain to someone either, because hopefully we would have a trusting, consenting relationship where both of us were getting something we wanted.

Usually, the people who call and complain are the person’s relatives or friends or neighbors or tattletales who go into everyone’s business and care about what everyone is doing and need some excuse to get someone in trouble – the same people who make hoax phone calls to get the police to come to your house looking for drugs when you aren’t actually using any drugs. Let’s get someone thrown in jail for committing a non-crime where no one was the victim!

So, I have an outlet, at least for now, with The Fat Guy Who Wins, someone who is able to listen to me. He does seem to be a socionic dual. I cannot really fit him into any other socionic type but IEE-ENFp.

I can desire Agustin while being tortured by him and ignored and disrespected. Fine, he doesn’t want me. Fine, he did communicate with me a little bit that one night in text messaging, but changed his mind later on and felt that he didn’t really want to be with me – I get it. Yeah, I’m going to think that hackers were blocking our messages – that’s always what I think – I have no way of knowing – but sometimes it turns out that I am just being ignored, and that’s all. Just being ignored. I can be treated that way and yeah, I will still want him.

But I have this other outlet, someone who treats me the way I need to be treated. I am going to try to spend more time with him.

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