The Relationship-Chasing Pattern Has Begun. A rant about the types of food that I wish we had.

I can’t write as much during the week when I’m working, but now I’m sitting at home and I will have a little time to tell what is going on.

Agustin. A few days ago I decided to leave an extremely small piece of paper on his bike with my phone number on it telling him to text me. He did, and I told him who I was, and we texted each other for a while that night, but I might possibly have kept him up late at night – I couldn’t really understand when he was explaining his work schedule. I thought he meant he was getting out of one of his jobs at midnight, but then later on he said he was still at that job, very late in the night, so I’m still confused about when he works and whether I accidentally kept him awake or not. I was trying to find a way that he and I could meet each other away from work, but it didn’t work out – it’s not easy to just go meet someone when I am dead exhausted and have a bike that’s all rusty and hasn’t been oiled and the brakes are grabbing the wheel and dragging while I’m pedaling.

He was nice to me when I was texting him that day. Since then, he hasn’t answered any more texts. I have not been flooding him with thousands of texts, but rather, just a couple brief messages over the last couple days. I have been speaking in English because he was able to write fairly well in English, although he does not seem to feel comfortable enough to talk out loud in English and might possibly not be able to understand an entire conversation going on full speed in English. In writing it’s easier to understand things slowly. I myself can read paragraphs in Spanish and have some faint
understanding of what they mean, and look up the translations.

This is the beginning of the pattern. It has happened to me again and again. I start off talking a lot with someone who I already know isn’t going to be an ideal boyfriend for one reason or another (now that I know socionics, I can say that Agustin in particular is a ‘mirage’ socionic relation to me). However, it isn’t necessarily going to be a horrible relationship either – just lacking something that we both need in order to communicate deeply.

After that, the person stops answering and ignores my messages. I then start getting forced, mind-controlled urges to say this or that particular thing to that person in a message, and the voices keep telling me to keep trying, keep going, don’t stop, keep on telling this person that you care about them, don’t give up, and so on. They give me this belief that if only I keep persisting in chasing this person, they will eventually let me in.

I also had an incident that resembled hacking on my phone, but might possibly have been just pocket-button-pushing. I was at Sheetz in the morning before work, after having texted with him, maybe that night before. I was ordering a sandwich from their computers. I suddenly noticed a sandwich called ‘The Gringo.’ I had seen it before and the name had never really offended me or caught my attention, but suddenly now, after meeting, working with, and loving these wonderful Guatemalans and South Americans in general, I was suddenly offended by the word ‘gringo,’ which was unusual for me, and it’s even worse because it’s on a really bad, disgusting sandwich that has no resemblance at all to the kind of food that real, authentic, traditional, pre-invasion Mexicans would have eaten. It’s this sandwich with Doritos and nacho cheese or something and a few other disgusting fake processed modern junk foods on it, which have somehow been associated with Mexico and the southwest, even though they are actually nothing but modern factory garbage.

So I pulled out my phone and was going to take a picture of this ‘Gringo’ sandwich, and write a blog about it. But as I pulled my phone out of my pocket I saw that it was already awake and was changing its own settings while in my pocket, and some kind of message came up that said I had changed all the voice commands in the phone to all the different languages. It seemed to be going down one by one through every single language in the list, as though all of them had been check-boxed.

I said something which was a typical low-emotion response, a muted response which was amusingly characteristic of who I am – I thought it was funny. I said, ‘Huh, well, that’s interesting,’ or something like that. And then I shut off the power to the phone, and turned it back on, and later on tried to find out if any settings had been changed that needed to be changed back, but couldn’t find them. So, it might have been getting hacked.

I also had voices in my head attacking more directly than usual over the last couple days.

Having my phone ‘get hacked’ after texting Agustin fits the Impossible Relationship-Chasing Pattern. Now that my phone has had an obvious, noticeable ‘hacking’ incident, I will start to worry whenever he doesn’t answer my text messages – ‘Did he even receive my message at all, or is the hacker blocking our messages so that neither of us is seeing the messages the other is sending?’ And this will turn into a big phase where I am being forced to try to ask him, ‘Are you getting my messages?’ Pattern – over and over again, the same every time.

The only difference is, this time I have past experience with Jesse, also an SEE-ESFp illusionary/mirage relation. Jesse also went through a long phase where I was being forced to chase him, while he was ignoring all of my attempts to contact him and refusing to answer my calls and messages. Jesse had only just recently been mind-controlled and forced to break up with his true love, Emma. He and Emma had been doing just fine, but he was being mind-controlled and forced to tell her strange, bizarre lies about his past history, so that he could ‘test’ her. She finally found out that he was lying, and her trust was destroyed, and she said she never wanted to speak to him again because he was an evil liar. So they broke up.

To me, this is obvious mind control manipulation, because they were enjoying a peaceful, stable relationship that should not have had any problems and should not have needed to be ‘tested.’ Jesse was being mind controlled and forced to lie to her. That is what I assume happened. He then was sent to Taco Bell to meet me right after that happened. So he was traumatized by the loss of his true love, and then forced to accept an imperfect and incomplete love, me.

So Jesse went many months ignoring me while I texted him, requested a friendship on facebook, and tried to call him. Always the voices were telling me to keep trying and keep going and never give up. I would not have ever pursued someone in such an unnatural situation as that. It is not in my nature to keep trying when someone ignores me.

I kept on apologizing to him and telling him that if he wanted me to stop writing to him, I would stop. Every time I threatened to stop writing to him, he would do something like de-friend me on facebook. I had to just pretend it was okay to keep on writing to him and assume that he wanted me to. He would re-friend me again after that.

Eventually he finally joined up with me after his grandmother died, quote unquote, ‘of cancer’ (there is, in my mind, no such thing as merely dying ‘of cancer.’ You die from side effects of cancer drugs, you die because the doctors directly or indirectly murdered you, and so on, but the cancer itself usually isn’t what killed you.). I remember the day when he got back to State College after driving down to Florida in the car with his family. He drove the old gray – what is the name of that car? I know exactly what it is, I just can’t remember the name. It’s that weird looking old fashioned thing. It looks like it’s from the 1930s or something. A rounded looking car which is funny looking and ugly. What the fuck? Como se llama???? PT Cruiser. He drove the PT Cruiser into my parking lot when I lived in the Chinese apartment on Westerly Parkway. No, Waupelani. It was Waupelani. They both begin with W and I get them confused. He got out of the car and came running full speed to me at the front door and crashed into me and hugged me tightly. I just got goosebumps remembering this. He was grieving from his grandmother.

After his grandmother was dead, he was much easier to reach on the phone and in text messages. He was too busy worrying about her to be able to start a relationship with me.

So through that experience I learned that sometimes the people who ignore me do eventually change their mind and let me in. But I was forced through several previous people who never did change their minds at all, and who continued blocking me and ignoring me forever and ever without another response, ever. The vast majority of the people who ignore me usually ignore me for the rest of eternity and never let me in, even as the voices and the mind controllers keep trying to force me to get to them.

Agustin is young and I can see in his behavior his animal instincts, as I could call them, especially since I cannot understand his language. He has the instinct of trying to possess me, even though he doesn’t really want me that much. I can see that he gets jealous if I talk to other guys. I definitely get jealous when he talks to other girls, the waitresses. I really like all of the waitresses we have there – they are all really nice. But I feel painfully jealous when he shows any sign of interacting with them. And one other girl said that the guys were ‘cute,’ all of them in general, when we were talking about them and wishing we could understand them, and I agreed with her while feeling that she was a threat.

I believe in polyamory in principle – it should be okay – but when a new relationship hasn’t been established yet, it’s normal to feel painfully jealous. You can’t start a dozen brand new relationships all at the same time. You have to start them one at a time, and then gradually acquire new relationships after trust has been built up. I didn’t freak out when I found out that Jesse was still seeing other girls. All that I wanted was to be able to spend at least some of the time with him, and for a while there, I was able to just walk down the street and go to his house. So I felt secure.

Polyamory might seem different if I had a socionic dual and wanted to have a really, really deep interaction with him, and take all of his energy and all of his investment, and found that he was busy investing in other people and not giving me enough of his energy. If he had so much energy that he could balance several relationships at one time and not make me feel as though I was being neglected, it should be okay, although I would still feel emotions like jealousy sometimes.

So, well, I can see these things going on, instinctively, without language. He doesn’t really want me that much, and I am not a very desirable catch, but yet, he doesn’t entirely want to let me go, either, and I am not entirely worthless. I am somewhere in that gray area between ‘a desirable woman’ and ‘a comforting security blanket that will always be there when all else fails.’ This relationship is not so simple as being ‘completely on’ and ‘completely off,’ but is somewhere in the middle. We are neither together nor apart.

I am in the process of trying to learn Spanish, but I am learning it ‘my way.’ I cannot tolerate the slightest imperfection and am embarrassed to make the slightest mistake, so I would rather say nothing at all instead of saying something with one or two trivial things wrong. I don’t know how to properly say a verb in the past tense yet, and I refuse to skip ahead in any of my books and online grammar lessons to the particular lesson that tells how to do it. I am using a ‘process’ function with a plus sign in socionics, I think. I want to go through the lessons in the right order and not skip a single thing. Everything must be perfectly completed and I cannot just skip ahead and learn one or two things, then skip back to previous lessons. THAT WOULD CAUSE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO COLLAPSE.

I cannot listen to headphones on my laptop, but I might try using them with my phone, I just don’t have a pair of headphones right now. So I can’t listen to language exercises that are designed to help with pronunciation. I do remember *some* of what I was taught about pronunciation in Spanish class from millions of years ago in high school.

I have heard him say a couple words in English now and then. He has an accent and it takes me a minute to realize that he is suddenly speaking English. It is only one or two words at a time. Every now and then, one of the guys will at random be saying something in English that I can hear, with an accent, and it suddenly triggers an emotional response to what they are saying and an emotional response to their personality, which was not there before as I was completely blind and deaf to the meaning of the high-speed Spanish that is usually pouring out too fast for me. The emotional association that I often have is ‘Gangsters.’ They sound like ‘gangsters,’ gang members, with a Spanish accent. They also sound sexy, and they sound like characters in movies with Spanish / Mexican accents. The one time when I heard him speaking, not English, but the Indian words of the food that he was giving to the waitress, and I was on ginseng at the time and I was having inappropriate expressions of emotions and outbursts of laughter – he sounded exactly like Jesse, sort of mumbling in a dark fast voice and averting his eyes. I was drugged, and that triggered several minutes of uncontrollable laughter, which I suppressed, and I ran away to hide so that he could not see my facial expression as I was holding back all the laughter and crying at the same time.

I’m on ginseng today, Siberian Root. I took one, after not taking any for a few weeks, as they were packed with my belongings on the porch.

So anyway, just as the guys suddenly have unexpected outbursts of English-speaking for a few words, I, too, will impulsively say random things in Spanish for no reason sometimes, if I am drugged, or if I happen to remember a word for something. It almost always requires the use of ginseng, whether I get it in the pill form, or from an energy drink. I almost do not speak any Spanish at all, even when I know the words very very well, unless I am under the influence of some substance.

But it’s interesting the emotional associations it triggers in me to suddenly hear them speaking English with their accents – gangsters, movie characters, the only people I have ever encountered who speak English with a Spanish accent. The ‘Spanish Lover’ is also someone who occurs in movies and is portrayed as someone very sexy, so, I expect to possibly encounter that particular emotional association sometime in the future.

Note: I did use ginseng today… I am under its influence right now.

My malnutrition is bothering me greatly. I require organically grown vegetables and a very wide variety of plant families to choose from, not merely the extremely limited number of plant breeds that the modern monocropping farmers are using, because they do have plant poisons. We normally avoid plant poisons by eating a very wide variety of whatever is available during that season of the year, just nibbling here and there on various plants, hundreds and hundreds of plant species, not merely two or three species of plants. Your liver, or whatever, is able to process a bunch of different poisons in small quantities from a bunch of different kinds of plants.

But my problem is not merely vegetables. I require meat products, including organ meats and ‘offal,’ things like bone marrow and bone broth, skin, and other animal products treated as waste. These must be either pasture raised animals eating nothing but grass (and whatever plants are out there) and not receiving manmade food and not getting vaccinated and not being given any hormones or antibiotics, or else they must be totally wild animals like free roaming whitetail deer – hopefully, not deer eating from a farmer’s poisoned field covered in pesticide and herbicide. I require the animal fats as well, not merely from milk – I do get cream every day at work, as, surprisingly, we use a pretty good kind of cream, and it even says on the box that it has no rBST, no bovine growth hormone. This is in that orange colored sauce of the butter chicken that we eat all the time.

But I need more variety than that. I also need things that are less cooked. We cook our food A LOT. It is boiled at very high heat for a very long time. This is a good thing if you are trying to completely destroy plant poisons, from something like beans. However, it is not a good thing when you want to retain nutrients in a relatively harmless plant that has few poisons, like spinach. Spinach isn’t so toxic and it doesn’t need to be extremely cooked – it can be eaten raw and I myself don’t notice any unusual problems from eating raw spinach. But poisonous inedible plants like beans benefit from being cooked absolutely to death at an extremely high temperature for several days – beans, in particular, won’t cause as much gas or intestinal pain after being cooked to death.

Our salad…. ohhh, don’t get me started. There is this terrible, terrible salad that I am required to make every day. Our salad is shamefully horrible. It contains two ingredients: iceberg lettuce, and tiny slices of carrots, which are there merely to provide color. Maybe you might notice a texture change if you are eating the salad and you suddenly bite into one of the tiny slivers of carrot.

We have this salad for a couple of purposes. Number one, it is cheap. Iceberg lettuce is the cheapest, and also the most worthless, food on the planet. I could take a dozen entire boxes of iceberg lettuce out of the cooler and throw them directly into the garbage, and it would have no effect on anybody at all, because this lettuce is so utterly and completely worthless to everyone. It has absolutely zero vitamins and zero minerals in it, and it provides absolutely no nutrition at all. It is grown on a factory farm in depleted soil, and the lettuce itself is a super-domesticated plant which has been bred to be completely flavorless, but merely to have a sort of crispy refreshing cool texture, which is the one and only reason why anybody eats it – ‘Oh, I’m desiring something cool and crispy and crunchy, I think I’ll have a few bites of iceberg lettuce.’ That is the one and only purpose served by iceberg lettuce.

This salad is a shame upon this restaurant. Surely, the ancient culture of India NEVER ate salads made from modern,
super-domesticated, factory-farmed, zero-nutrient iceberg lettuce??? What on earth does this even have to do with India? It has absolutely no connection to India at all.

And it is my job, every day, to make this salad, and then to watch as everybody ignores it, every single day, and then usually, to throw away the leftovers of it because nobody is interested in it, nobody wants it, or to keep it and watch it turn brown the next day and try to put out the leftover salad even though it is turning brown, just so I can stop throwing it directly into the garbage every day. And we do not have any kind of salad dressing to put on it! Anybody who wants to eat a modern American salad of iceberg lettuce must have it accompanied by the modern American Creamy Ranch Dressing, as is expected. We do not have that, although we have raita, which is sour. I don’t like the raita. No me gusta! I don’t think adding raita to the iceberg salad would make it any better. We also have a green sauce made in a blender like a green smoothie out of several different vegetables – it smells really good when it’s extremely fresh. And we have brown tamarind sauce, which is sweet and sour. We also have an extremely hot spicy sauce. I don’t know if any of those would really go well enough to make that iceberg lettuce salad into something enjoyable.

There are so many leafy greens available on this planet. It’s a huge planet. India is a big subcontinent with a long tradition. Surely, thousands of years ago, Indians were eating some kind of OTHER leafy greens? Surely, we can find something that is even slightly similar to what they were eating, as a tradition, a memory, out of respect for the real India, not some cheap modern American Indian knockoff salad whose only real reason for existing is merely because it is cheap, and for no other reason at all?

I had to complain about the salad. I’m very frustrated by the modern farming system, and I’m especially frustrated by the tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny number of types of plants we have to eat, when the entire planet is filled with thousands upon thousands of plant species that are edible.

I still haven’t conquered the meat issue – I want to keep on trying organ meats, offal, skin, fat, bone broth, and other meat products, and I still need to go hunting and get wild animals instead of domesticated animals. I have not done any of those things yet, but have never forgotten that they are very important to me. I just don’t have time now.

It is especially important for me to get DRIED MEATS that will keep at room temperature. I also must have FATS along with those meats, instead of fat-free meats like jerky. I want something more like pemmican. I want to try drying organ meats, so that I can find out why nobody ever dries them out – according to some people, they spoil too easily or something.

I’m going to post this now, and I should try to get something to eat instead of talking about food.

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