forced to waste money on food

This is extremely annoying – I don’t have enough money left because I have been forced to buy food at restaurants every single day while working. I also have to buy bottles of coffee, otherwise I won’t be able to get out of bed at all in the morning to even go to work. I’m forced to take a cab to work several times a week when I miss the bus or the buses don’t run or I’m working late and can’t catch the last bus. So I’m wasting all this money taking cabs merely so that I can show up at my job to avoid losing the job.

All of this because I love my coworkers and dislike frequently being forced to get to know new people and break off old relationships. I only leave a job if I am absolutely forced to do so by events that are completely beyond my control, which is the only reason I left McDonald’s – the pesticides they started spraying were so completely and totally incapacitating that I was physically incapable of staying inside the building for a few minutes, and they said they’d spray it again once every month. I didn’t choose to leave McD.

The only thing that can make me leave this job is if I am fired, or if I become so severely ill that I am physically incapable of going to work and, once again, get fired because of that.

I can’t keep any food at home, because I have been attempting to move out of this house. Several weeks ago I threw away all the remaining food I had in the freezer because I was expecting to get out of here very soon afterwards, but it ended up dragging on for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks without food at home. I am buying every single meal I eat from a restaurant. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at home.

I could launch into a huge angry rant about people whose knowledge and/or valuing of nutrition are so bad that they think it’s perfectly fine for me to use the beans-and-rice-and-bread strategy of eating. Just buy the cheapest food available on the market! Getting a couple calories and eating the minimum necessary to prevent caloric starvation is all that really matters! Not for someone with chronic fatigue, not for a female, and not for someone who values optimal health instead of just-barely-surviving-by-doing-the-minimum-necessary strategy of life. People think that ‘Nicole spends too much money on food,’ without understanding that I need to eat higher quality meats, vegetables, and fruits, and a variety of foods instead of exactly the same thing every single day for every single meal.

I am not saying that the restaurants are providing me with what I need, either – they are most definitely not. However, they give me a little bit of variety, which is the only thing I can hope for.

I don’t want to get a coffee maker because I want to stop drinking coffee, and after I get a coffee maker, there will be absolutely no hope of ever stopping coffee. Not only that, but coffee isn’t strong enough – I need espresso. Espresso is the only thing strong enough for me when I have severe fatigue, and my fatigue has been severe lately, probably due to the large scale spraying of some pesticide on the elm trees near Penn State. I don’t know exactly what they are spraying, but I only know that I became extremely fatigued that day, and one or two other people told me that they were too.

Since I have no money left, I can’t rent a car. It’s a couple hundred dollars. I won’t be able to rent a car to help myself get out of this house. I will have to use a taxi but I hate doing that for a variety of reasons. I really hate doing that. I doubt that Mike will be able to drive me in the truck this evening, and guess what, there are going to be more thunderstorms today! Of course. The only good thing about a thunderstorm is it means that few or no people will be on the trail to see me, which reminds me, I need to check what time that place closes – I have to park the car next to a business which is right next to one of the entrances to the path in the woods. It would help if I knew for sure exactly what time of day they closed.

The stories that I have attempted to write within spiral bound notebooks, in the past year or two, have been prompted by using some kind of herbal drug, either ginseng or St. John’s Wort, every time. I have tried to write some fiction stories about the Anaya people, and about a girl, who obviously represents myself and is a wish
fulfillment, who gets to escape from society after being
mind-controlled her entire life and never experiencing mental freedom. My writing style is kind of pathetic and I especially can’t do dialogue. I would consider writing a story as a team rather than as an individual. I would need a compatible person – socionic duals would be most helpful here. In fact, the IEE-ENFp personality type is good at mimicking people and would be great for making up dialogue.

I don’t even know the general storyline of what is going to happen to this girl. I don’t know how it will end. I don’t know what goals she must achieve. Actually, I like the idea of ‘achieving a goal’ in the story. When I wrote fiction stories as a teenager, they were extremely long and just went on and on and on with no particular plot, and they always included images and concepts from the dreams I had at night – it turns out that all night dreams are fake and are written by the soul murderers who prevent you from dreaming any real dreams. The dreams you have when you’re young are more enjoyable. When you grow up, they give you stupid, horrible, evil, pathetic dreams instead. I used to have interesting images and scary experiences in my dreams and they were great for incorporating into my fiction stories. Now that I have learned how to decode some of their bullshit symbolism, I realize that anytime they gave me a dream about ‘exploring tunnels’ it was actually about sex – all of their symbols are like that. But I loved exploring tunnels for the sake of exploring tunnels, and it was fascinating, and making it into a sex symbol just turns it into something stupid, idiotic, moronic, pointless, shallow, and retarded. Whoop-de-doo, something I really enjoyed doing turns out to be merely a stupid sex symbol.

I am not happy right now. I was hoping I could rent a car.

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