Feeling huggy. I want to continue reducing caffeine.

I think I must be closer to ovulating, because I really, really love all the guys so much I want to hug them all.

For some reason today I am understanding more Spanish that I hear. I’m slightly reducing caffeine but not quitting it yet. I strongly believe that brain healing and integration of learning can only occur with caffeine withdrawal, which will also improve the quality of my sleep.

Something wonderful and terrible happens in extreme caffeine withdrawal. A terrible despair and comprehension befalls me. Befalls? Falls over me? I awaken for the first time in decades and suddenly realize where I am, as though I woke up from a coma or had amnesia. It’s like, "Fuck! I’ve been asleep for twenty years and the world has changed!" I slowly start to realize that I cannot possibly achieve all of the things I was hoping to achieve, and I shrink my goals to something more realistic. On caffeine, I feel that I have infinite energy and no limit on my resources. All is well, I am happy, I have infinite power and I can do anything.

But in the withdrawal, I realize, no I can’t. And then, and only then, am I able to reframe my goals to be something that I *can* do. And that is when I really become able to achieve things.

I can only benefit if I make it all the way through the despair and the sadness without taking another cup of coffee. There is always a moment when I say, "Okay, I have gone long enough, I must have one now." It is after maybe three days in total withsrawal, I think.

I desire it. I desire to be a real human again, to have feelings again, to feel the pain i have been numbing, using caffeine as a painkiller and as a food substitute. I am already feeling hip pain, but also i must be careful about things like lemon juice in my smoothies. I don’t care what all the websites say, lemons do NOT make your body alkaline – they dissolve teeth and bones. If they destroy teeth then they also destroy hipbones.

When i awaken and feel the hip pain – others on the net said that when they quit caffeine, they suddenly felt like their hips went out of joint. This is because caffeine, even ONE cup a day, numbs the pain so you don’t feel the mechanical damage you are doing as you wear the bones away. If you don’t feel the pain, you cannot change your movement or change the behaviors causing the bone loss.

I want to wake up and be real again. I long for it. I feel tiny hints of it as i am lowering my caffeine dosage.


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