Can’t get out of bed

I don’t have caffeine. The vivarin pills are packed in a box outside. No bus today – this is the day I take a cab. I won’t have my bike today. Agustin locked my bike with his bike last night. It seems to be a shared bike, maybe being used by him and Arturo, but he had the key for it. I tried to leave, then saw his lock going between my brake cables and his pedal in my wheel spokes. I do not mind at all, in fact I was pleased. But I lament that I cannot simply ask him to make love with me in my nonexistent free time, or ask if I can buy lunch for him somewhere. And tomorrow I have to try to move my stuff to the tent, again. And I cannot use any energy drinks with ginseng. I go into withdrawal, then have an awful, depressed mood. Last night I wasn’t just depressed, I was utterly humiliated and worthless because I want him but I know it can’t be a permanent marriage kind of love. And I know from experience that writing a paper note is ALWAYS disastrous no matter what language the recipient speaks. No language study time, no time to go to lunch somewhere with him, no time to relax, and it will only get worse when I’m in the tent. And what will I talk about? I’d be like, "Hey, were you Guatemalans so poor that you had to make your own houses by hand out of clay? Because I’ve wanted a mud hut for years!" Horribly insulting, yet absolutely true. I HAVE tried to build a stick house. I just don’t have a safe place to put it. I started to make a house of sticks last year, but then it got too cold outside. Where would we go for sex? How many roommates does he have? It takes so long to walk to my tent there is no way to do it during siesta time and I really regret it if I don’t try to sleep at all during siesta. And I can’t jump directly from "not speaking to each other" to "sex." I have to go to work now and I’m not ready.

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