Stopping ginseng again. Inapproprate laughing. Mary Baker Eddy book.

It caused me to laugh again, although it was just one of those brief "ha!" laughs. It resulted in Augustin not responding when spoken to by Carlos. That’s the same as what happened before when I laughed. Afterwards, Carlos tried to say something to him and he ignored him, during a moment when I was watching them.

The result of stopping ginseng is I will become antisocial. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. The causes of the behavior cannot give contradictory results. It is not possible for me to simultaneously be friendly and sociable, while also NOT laughing inappropriately at the wrong moments. It’s going to seem to him as though I suddenly disappeared for no reason, socially.

Yesterday I probably acted upon a suggestion, and ended up talking to my socionic conflictor, EIE, at the Christian Science reading room. I partly agree with their approach, which is, in effect, to ignore trivial illnesses that can cure themselves, which is what I already do. I already don’t take a cold medicine every time I have a cold, and so on. I already had a skiing accident in college, and did nothing and left it untreated, and still have an injured hip to this day. So I’m already using Christian Science. Not really though.

Mary Baker Eddy might be a SLE, I’m not sure. I also thought she might be an LII, but she isn’t Si valuing. Si isn’t "health." "Health" almost always refers to how you appear externally to others. You are "healthy" if you are able to keep walking in spite of constant unbearable pain. As long as it looks externally as though you’re functioning, then your health is good enough. That’s how they see it.

I might use this book to inspire my soul murderers to let me quit caffeine. I already am able to stop it. I mostly use it as a food substitute.

Y u no? The "y u no" meme fits someone I know. His response to all of my problems is "y u no wave magic wand and fix problem?" in effect. Why don’t you just do this extremely difficult bordering on impossible complex thing? Why don’t you just magically give yourself time, energy, and mental focus while being constantly zapped with electronic weapons every ten seconds or so? and also while being poisoned by chemicals, and malnourished, and forced to live as a slave? Why don’t you simply get rich quick by eating nothing but bread and rice for every meal for the rest of your life, because food is expensive? Why don’t you go back in time and choose to allow Max and Jacob to just go to the animal shelter, instead of adopting them? Why don’t you just push a magic button and stop loving your beloved pet, because pets are expensive? I vented my problems at my quasi-identical the LSI-ISTJ, and now my anger is kind of directed at that person, even though my problems are not his fault. He responded by giving a bunch of suggestions that were irrelevant or harmful. If I stop the ginseng, I will probably become less angry at him too.

I wish I could tell Augustin that I laughed because of drugs. But illusionaries have a conflict between their plus and minus signs. My weird socionics model, perhaps model B or something (Hitta’s Chart), says that for the SEE-ESFP, his vulnerable function is actually both -Ti and +Te. +Te is what I use to explain causes, for instance, "I laughed because I used drugs." He wants to hear -Te, valued in Gamma. Minus signs make these fast, vague, global decisions, instead of the careful, detailed decisions that a plus sign deciding function makes. I had it happen with me and Jesse so I know what to expect. My vulnerable function is +Fe / -Fi. I remember Jesse using -Fi to "break off relationships" with me for months as I struggled to pursue him. Augustin will do the same: ignore or not understand my explanations of what causes me to be weird. Writing a note is useless.

I remember an incident where I laughed at Brent at McDonald’s (also SEE) during a conversation, and heard voices afterwards and also felt a sense of violent rage emanating from him. It faded after a while. This laugh was also drug induced.

I need my dual, the IEE-ENFP. And all these SEE-ESFPs need theirs, the ILI-INTP. These problems don’t happen with duals.

I regret having to withdraw and become antisocial, but I feel SO HORRIBLE during those moments after I laughed and I can see Augustin’s behavior change. I feel like such a horrible, worthless idiot.

I was lent a book by Mary Baker Eddy and am trying to decide what type she is. SLE?


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