Bad mood today

I’m not sure why but I was very sad and depressed today. I listened to music when I got home and cried because one of the singers sounded like Jesse. I’m also frustrated because I tried to have a crush on the guy at work, and he is so cute and I would love to touch him, but I can feel that it’s wrong – it’s wrong in terms of chemistry. His energy does not have the particular thing that makes me feel welcome. I cannot get in.

I tried to imagine how I would find an IEE. I would probably find one if I searched through a thousand people. Then, I’d have to do that same search a dozen more times to find one who wasn’t already taken. I might find one available IEE if I encountered, and rejected, about 10,000 people. There are 40,000 or so in this town. I’d have to somehow not waste any time with all the people I rejected, or this would take longer than a lifetime to do.

I feel bad not just for me but for Jesse too – if he’s with me, he doesn’t have his dual either. Meanwhile Mr. Guapo (I forget, does it need an accent mark?) at work should have no problem finding his dual – the LSI is probably the most common type in the entire population. He can walk out into the streets of this town and his duals should just fall from the sky into his lap. This entire university is nothing but LSIs.

It’s very painful to be around someone who is so adorable he triggers the nurturing instinct in me, yet I know how totally wrong it would be for me to reach out to him at all. He doesn’t want to be "nurtured" or "comforted," but those are the only things I can give.

I try to make work (slavery) bearable by having crushes, but it won’t work to try having a crush on this particular person.

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