No coherent thoughts today. Being helped by imaginary therapists who work for free. Gut problems that cause me to be timid and inactive and cowardly. A rap song that violated my soul so badly I had to stop even reading the lyrics on the page.

6:46 PM 5/27/2016

I experienced zero coherent thoughts today, although I made an attempt to meditate. It was not a very long attempt. I wanted to take a nap so badly that I stopped meditating and just gave up.

However, I did follow through on the coherent thought of yesterday, which was that I would take the steps necessary to try to send my resume to the Manpower lady. I don’t know if it’s been done properly because the entire thing is pointless and serves no purpose and so it doesn’t matter if it’s done right or done wrong. I could write it in gibberish, using bold italic Comic Sans Serif with one word on each line, and it would still be just as good, because it doesn’t even matter if anyone can read it.

I also attempted a new coherent thought with the help of my inner therapist, who is doing the work for free. The inner therapists (plural) are a group of voices in my head that have been showing up ever since I decided I would try to go to a career counselor. Some of them are good, and some of them are insane assholes, and some of them are the wrong socionic type and therefore not really able to interact with me properly.

So, with trial and error, and with luck, depending on which inner therapist is available on which particular day, I’m talking through some of my thoughts with the imaginary therapists for free. I would benefit greatly by doing this inside a shielded room, because I still experience various noise interruptions.

Therapy depends greatly on socionics. You have to use exactly the right words at the right time. I still remember some conflicts I had while attempting therapy with Judith Swack, so I have to avoid using some of the words she used.

I also experienced some post-therapy events after her, one of which led to the decision to deliberately connect my real name with this blog (basically, because the voices told me to), which enables people to find it by searching for my name. Originally, there was no connection between my real name and this blog. Only the NSA and the hackers would know, because it would be coming from whichever IP address and computer I was using. But now, employers are also able to find me on this blog, which isn’t a good thing. I am happy about friends, coworkers, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, family members, and anyone else finding me in the blog – I do want people to read it. But it’s not good if employers find my blog, then refuse to hire me because of it.

I have several ‘real people’ who I know are reading my blog, and this is a good thing because it lets everyone know what kind of a state I am in, mentally, emotionally, financially, and so on. If anything bad happens to me, people will pick up on it by reading my blog, and they can check up on me. I mean, I know bad stuff is ALWAYS happening to me, but I mean, badder stuff than usual. I’m tough enough to handle the normal level of badness. I don’t enjoy it, but I can handle it. People will know when the badness is totally out of control.

So anyway, the imaginary therapists have been around, attempting to help me formulate coherent thoughts, while battling against other constant attacks upon my mind and body. There is one particular problem that keeps happening, which has happened for a very, very long time. I started noticing it in college. It might be because of gallstones blocking my gallbladder from excreting gall freely. I don’t have gallstones badly enough that they cause any pain, and they probably would not show up on an x-ray, but still I suspect that nothing much comes out if my gallbladder squeezes.

I feel sensations of mild pain, with a clenching sensation, in the area of my gallbladder. This clenching could also be in my intestine. It is directly connected to anxiety. The anxiety is so strongly and directly connected to these clenching sensations that I can’t tell whether the anxious thought inside my brain comes first, or the clenching in the abdomen comes first. I only know that particular thought patterns are strongly correlated with this abdominal clenching. Basically, anything at all that I don’t want to do, or dread, or find the slightest bit difficult, or confusing, or uncertain, or unclear, will trigger this clenching.

‘They’ have suspected it is in the connection between the enneagram and socionics – the ‘gut triad,’ enneagram types 8, 9, and 1, literally have problems that involve their gut.

I think the enneagram should include a ‘muscle group’ too, in addition to the heart, head, and gut groups. The muscle group might represent extraverted sensing in socionics. We need a direct translation between the enneagram and socionics. I think we should just make it so the enneagram has sixteen types. We already have a partial, loose correlation between the two systems, but the correlations are sometimes strong, sometimes weak, and sometimes all over the place.

I’m not attached to the magic number three (although I am fond of music in beats of three), and so it doesn’t bother me to discard the attachment to three in the enneagram and just change it into enneagram-socionics.

It’s just that there *seems* to be a correlation, at least partly. There are some types that almost could not possibly be particular enneagram types. Like, a logical thinking type can’t be a type Two in the enneagram. Type Two in the enneagram almost certainly has to be some kind of ethical type in socionics. But type Nine is so vague and general that almost anybody can be a type nine.

I don’t even think I should go into this, actually. I stopped using the enneagram a few years ago. I was already experiencing too many problems with it, and the last straw was when I read an article on the now Ex-Socionist blog talking about why he doesn’t like the enneagram, and I agreed with everything he said.

Anyway, so I’m experiencing ‘gut problems.’ And neurotransmitters come from the bacteria in the intestines, too, so I’m probably experiencing a problem with my gut bacteria on top of all that.

All that I know is that there is an extremely strong connection between thinking anxious thoughts, having a clench in my abdomen, and being so blocked and distracted that I can no longer continue the thought process and I instantly give up and stop trying. It is like pushing a magic button. If I feel the slightest clenching in my gut, I instantly make no attempt at all to do whatever I was thinking of doing, or to think whatever thoughts I was thinking.

Knowing about electronic mind control, I realize this is a major ‘hackable’ vulnerability which is probably being used against me.

So, I think it was yesterday – one of the ‘inner therapists’ attempted to directly confront the gut clench phenomenon, as though they assumed it was an entirely fake, manmade, unnatural phenomenon being used as an attack to prevent me from taking action. Whenever I or anybody directly confronts a phenomenon, the attackers often show themselves, finally admitting that yes, they are the cause of that attack after all, and they will sometimes switch over to doing some other, more dramatic type of attack elsewhere.

However, I really don’t know for sure if it is completely nothing but an attack. Usually, in my experience, the attackers attack a ‘vulnerability,’ something which is already a weakness or a problem that happens on its own, even when they are not doing anything. For example, they always ‘kick me when I’m down.’ If I’m really sick, or if I’m having major problems in my life, the attacks get even worse.

I will know, for instance, that I’m sick for reasons that they didn’t cause, or I’m having problems in my life for reasons which they might or might not have caused, but once those bad things happen to me, the attackers start pushing those buttons even more than usual. ‘Kicking me while I’m down’ is always the phrase I used to describe it, and that is the most accurate thing I can think of. Attacking somebody who is already weak.

So, it might be the same with my intestine. I could already have a legitimate tendency to ‘pay attention to my gut,’ and there may be some truth to the enneagram, and how the type that I chose, Type Nine, does indeed have gut-related problems. Maybe, that stuff really exists, even without electronic mind control attacks.

However, the attackers seem to be taking advantage of it as a known vulnerability, a known way to control this type of person and prevent them from achieving anything.

I forget what I was originally talking about.

Anyway, so yesterday they tried to directly confront the twinges / clenches, and pushed forward anyway, insisting that yes, I should look at my resume and then send it to the Manpower lady who asked for it.

Today, we tried to do the same thing again, but this time asking me why I have chosen not to try to go back to school in any way. I have lots and lots and lots of reasons why not, so this is not merely a matter of quickly changing my mind overnight and pushing a magic button that will make me go back to school tomorrow. It is
complicated.

I did not finish that coherent thought, but that was the one I attempted today (or, ‘we’ attempted, with these mind controllers / inner therapists participating in my thought processes) before I took a nap.

I still suspect Judith Swack might be the cause of this, and would kind of like somebody to investigate her and see if they can catch her hiring people and paying money to people to use electronic weapons against her therapy clients. The worst of the attacks began when I was doing therapy with her over the phone. However, several other events were going on at the same time, and the local police might have also been involved in it, and also the people at State of the Art, Incorporated, where I was working at the time.

It would be helpful to know exactly who it is that is continuously attacking me on a daily basis in a harmful way. There are actually voices that seem to be trying to help, but there is definitely also somebody who is attacking me constantly in a very harmful way. I do not know if these are two separate groups of people, or if both the good and bad attacks are coming from the same group, using a ‘Good Cop / Bad Cop’ technique to pretend that they’re helping me, like whenever you hire the mafia for ‘protection,’ when the mafia themselves are the only ones who have ever threatened to harm you. The protection racket, where you pay them to leave you alone.

I have no way to know anything about who is attacking me, and I can only speculate. I have even less of an idea who has been attacking me my entire life since birth. That might be the military, or the government. Or, maybe churches? I can see signs that I was being attacked, in hindsight. It just wasn’t as obvious or severe until 2003, when they made themselves known to me. I still had chronic problems all my life, and wasn’t able to finish college. I still have the same problems now that I had back then, which is one reason I don’t go back to school. I can’t do my homework, especially not while something is attacking my brain and forcing me to lose focus every couple seconds. It would be a bad idea to go tens of thousands of dollars in debt, only to drop out of school because I just can’t do anything.

That’s one reason why bookkeeping seemed like such a good idea. It is simple to learn the basics of it, without school. You can start working at a job as a bookkeeper without going to college, although if you want to refer to yourself using the word ‘Accountant,’ then you have to have a license and have to have a college degree. Referring to yourself as a ‘bookkeeper,’ however, can be done by any asshole on the street. If Fred feels like calling himself a bookkeeper, then he can. If my cat feels like calling himself a bookkeeper, he can call himself a bookkeeper.

After working as a bookkeeper for a while, I could continue learning more, taking more tests, taking more classes. I wouldn’t have to just take the risk of jumping into huge debts without working in my field at all.

A nice thing about bookkeeping is that it’s universal – everybody needs it, everywhere, as long as they are participating in the global economy. It’s not a ‘real’ need, like food, but it’s a universal need as long as you are part of the global economy, and as long as you are participating in the legal system.

So, we tried to think about school, because if it is possible or helpful to do it, I would like to, however I also have real reasons why I don’t want to, and I need to discuss those reasons and try to find a way around them if possible. If I don’t want to go back to school because I’m afraid I’ll get eaten by alligators, then I could try to find an alligator-free school.

‘Jokes’ like that usually come from the voices and are usually symbolic. I bought this shirt at Goodwill that I jokingly call my ‘Reptilian Agenda’ t-shirt. It says it’s from Lincoln University, I think. On the back, it has this big drawing of a roaring
dragon-serpent thing, and it says, ‘Winning isn’t everything – it’s the ONLY thing.’ Wow! I just love winning! Winning is what I’m all about! I generally wear the shirt inside out. I just needed to grab a shirt quickly to help with decon. You find really, really, REALLY weird t-shirts with unthinkably weird stuff on them at Goodwill. Like who in their right mind would EVER make a t-shirt that says that. Truly ridiculous things. The slight nuances of difference between ‘everything’ and ‘the only thing’ – a difference in emphasis, or, an attempt to make it sound like you’re going to say something different and unexpected, only to find that you’re actually going to say the exact same thing you just said – no, I won’t even ponder this. Pondering this too much will kill the neurons in my brain.

Oh, yeah, I had that happen the other day. I was sick. I forget if I was sick with the stomach flu thing, or if I was sick with drug residues, or what. But I was reading about the Rothschild family (long story, I won’t go into it), and they said some lady left her husband to go be with a rap musician. I forget his name. DJ Electronica or something like that, I think.

Anyway, so I googled some of his lyrics. And, as I was sitting there, attempting to read the, quote, ‘lyrics,’ to this rap song, on the page, I felt as though I was literally killing my soul merely by struggling to read these insane, meaningless, horrible words. I don’t know if this was triggering my vulnerable functions in socionics, or what. Whatever it was doing, it was the sickest, most horrible violation of my soul. I tried, and tried, to read more lines. But the words were utterly meaningless gibberish, except, they weren’t. It wasn’t as meaningless as if it had been written by a computer algorithm. It had some meaning. And the meaning was absolute, loathsome, disgusting, horrific, soul-murdering evil. That is the only way I can describe it. I don’t even know which song it was or what it was about. I only know that to read those words was like stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. I simply could not read them anymore, I felt so horribly violated. So, to soothe myself, I played a bunch of music that I had saved on youtube, and it made me feel better.

It is weird how these words had so much power to harm me so deeply. I can’t even explain how exactly they were harming me. It really was kind of like putting something bad, something poisonous, into my socionic vulnerable functions. Those functions could not process the information. If you are getting good and positive and nice
information in your socionic vulnerable functions, that’s kind of okay, although it still causes stress because your brain can’t process the information fast enough – that’s an extremely slow, extremely weak function. But if you are shoving toxic information into that function, on a day when you’re already feeling sick for some unknown reason, and I was that day, then it gives you that unbearable feeling of soul-murdering insanity that I experienced.

Rap music. Very short sentences. I couldn’t stand the short sentences, just a couple words each, quickly changing from one sentence to another, jumping from one random meaningless piece of gibberish to another random meaningless piece of gibberish to another, to another, to another, tiny little short fragments of horrible gibberish. He might as well have picked random words out of the dictionary and strung them together, except it DID still have some meaning, somehow. I could discern tiny bits and pieces of meaningful thought in there. He was saying something. It really seemed like he was trying to say something.

To do justice to black people, I would say, I suspect that black people are the victims of electronic mind control EVEN MORE than I myself am. Whoever writes these rap lyrics is probably receiving a constant stream of electronic noise inside his brain providing him with random word associations that have to be made into lyrics. I’ve experienced this random noise. I’ve experienced the stream of random words. However, somehow it became socially acceptable to write streams of totally random noise and make them into songs and get rich selling them.

I can write blogs. I could turn my sentences into tiny little fragments, then put them to music. But they wouldn’t sell, because they actually HAVE MEANING and are therefore less mysterious and less ‘interesting’ than a huge pile of totally random words that SEEM TO have some kind of meaning, somewhere. And the meaning is always some horrible negative emotion, like hatred, or all kinds of emotions that I don’t have the words for. That is the one underlying theme behind it all.

I know that I constantly spew hate, too, especially when I am sick. And I socionics exists, and whatever type that rapper was, he was probably some type that is incompatible with me, and if I was forced to randomly guess his type, I would have to say he’s probably my conflictor, but I could be wrong. I honestly have no idea what type he is, and I haven’t watched any youtube interviews of him to get an impression of his personality. I only know that his lyrics were triggering the most painful, most sickening, most deeply violating socionic functions that I have, so I suspect he has to be my conflictor.

I’m going to post this. There’s some laundry waiting to be dried.

I experienced zero completed coherent thoughts, but at least I *began* attempting to form one today. But I followed through on yesterday’s coherent thought, which was that I must send the resume to the lady at Manpower.

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