I hate this phone: the ShatterPhone

I am in the process of activating my new … I need some other word besides ‘smartphone.’ Something which conveys the feeling I have about it. Attempting to set up this phone, to even assemble it, is about as much fun as being shot through the abdomen with a harpoon gun and calling the harpoon stuck through my body ‘my new friend.’ Hello new friend!

The back cover, which has to be put on and taken off – it was off originally, and I had to put the battery in place and then put the cover on – has this teeny, tiny little indentation in the lower left corner, which you have to stick something into if you want to ever remove the back cover again. I had already put the battery in and put the cover on, but then decided to remove the cover because I thought I was missing something – the instructions were mentioning something about installing the SIM card or something, as though it wasn’t already in there. I couldn’t see any such thing anywhere, but I wanted to look again.

I am taking the attitude that this is only a test phone, an
experimental phone, not the real thing, not something permanent that has to be kept in perfect condition. If I were trying to keep this phone in perfect condition, my heart would already be broken, because merely by attempting to reopen the back plastic cover, I have already damaged the phone. I had to stick the blade of a pair of scissors into that tiny little indentation in the lower left corner to pry open this fragile, thin, breakable piece of plastic, leaving all these big chew marks all around the tiny little indentation. I can already see that if I remove this plastic cover more than a couple times, some kind of tiny invisible little plastic clips are going to snap, making it impossible from then on to ever keep the cover in place without duct tape. It’s just a tiny little invisible fragile plastic ridge holding the cover on. So I am going to choose to assume, from day one, that this thing is a piece of garbage that is going to the landfill, and not even before very long.

It took A LOT of force to pry open the back cover, as in, I had to PUSH HARD by TWISTING the blade of the scissors in that little indentation, and then GRAB AND RIP the plastic cover in several directions to force it to disconnect from the invisible little plastic ridges.

My phone also makes annoying noises by itself. It did that when I accidentally pushed the button to turn it on, and it did it again just now, probably to tell me that either the battery is finished charging, or maybe that the phone is powering down because I left it sitting there for a few minutes. Spontaneous bursts of loud music from the phone are going to annoy me very, very much, and very quickly, as in now, and already. I do not need to hear dingy little melodies every single time that the phone ‘does something.’ I am going to have to go into the menus, deep, deep, deep inside a thousand complicated menus, into the deepest secret most inaccessible places, to find the settings that tell the phone to shut the fuck up unless I TELL it to make some noise.

I remind myself, I am not doing this because I want to enjoy this phone. I did not buy this phone to make myself happy. I bought it because I will need to upgrade the phone this year because they’re getting rid of the 2G network, and because even though I already have a Lousy Garbage phone that still works, the sound is almost totally inaudible, and I thought it would be worthwhile to try a different brand of phone to find out if anybody else was capable of designing a phone that is capable of performing the function that a phone is designed for, which is, talking and listening.

So this phone 1. is a flimsy piece of garbage that will end up in the landfill, so don’t be upset by the fact that every single piece of it is going to be broken or damaged in some way within the first week that I own it, and 2. I am not doing this for fun or to make myself happy or to enjoy a wonderful new appliance that I voluntarily chose on my own because of how much I loved the design.

I have decided that I am the only human being on this planet who is capable of designing any appliances that function. Properly designed appliances simply do not exist. THEY DO NOT EXIST. Period.

I know from experience with my Lousy Garbage phone that I am going to have to duct tape a piece of cotton string to the back of this phone to serve as a phone holder. My original Nokia phone has a little set of holes which are clearly designed for the purpose of attaching some kind of clip. Not so with the ShatterPhones! ShatterPhones are designed to be as slippery as possible, so that they slide out of your palm, slide out of your pants pockets, and shatter on the ground as often as possible, on a daily basis, to make more money for the phone sellers.

I don’t like the width of the phone. My hand is not that wide. My fingers don’t spread that far comfortably. It causes physical pain to the palm of my hand to hold a phone which is that width. My old phone is narrower and fits comfortably into my palm without causing pain and strain on the muscles and tendons of my hand.

You cannot imagine the hatred and loathing that I feel. I want to shoot flaming laser beams out of my eyeballs to burn this phone into a pile of molecules. And, I actually chose the phone that was LESS BAD out of all the possible choices – I know that. This is an Alcatel, and as such, it is not as bad as a Lousy Garbage. I read the reviews of this Alcatel phone, and somebody mentioned, WITH SURPRISE, that it was actually possible to HEAR on this phone, and that it was also FAST AND RESPONSIVE, as in, it doesn’t take several seconds for the software to respond when you touch it, it doesn’t take several seconds for your sound to be sent through the speaker or for you to receive the sound coming from the earpiece, and you are able to CLEARLY HEAR what the person is saying to you, while they, too, shockingly enough, can also clearly hear what you are saying to them. An amazing new development in technology: Phones you can actually talk and hear on!

Okay, I’m going to go back to working on this ShatterPhone.


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