Feeling a bit better. About to go to the store.

I’m just waiting a little while before I go get on the bus. I’m going to buy coffee again. I truly, truly do not want it (other than *craving* it), that is, ideally I don’t want to be using any caffeine at all. But I am stuck so, so badly in this situation and I believe there is a constant, ongoing pesticide contamination entering this home. I need my own house. I cannot even get out of bed, at all, without caffeine, unless I can decontaminate this house. I need to have control over the sources of the pollution.

I’m also keeping an eye out to see if I get hantavirus from the mouse. Jacob caught a mouse indoors, and he walked into my bedroom carrying it in his mouth. I got up from the bed, and he turned and walked back out the bedroom door. Then he put it down on the floor next to the bathroom and it ran behind the laundry baskets. I caught it between the baskets and the wall.

I was going to take a picture of myself holding the mouse, but it leaped out of my hand when I was fumbling to get the camera ready. I had been going to put it outside afterwards. It went somewhere in my room. I have so much junk everywhere that cannot possibly be moved, and it hid under all that stuff. A couple nights later, I heard it moving around in the middle of the night, but haven’t heard it since then. I don’t know where it went.

There’s a two week incubation period for this hantavirus. I already had one or two mild funny sensations in my chest. It does something to your lungs. I believe the vast majority of people get hantavirus and never even know that they have it. These statistics are unreported and so it’s not possible to know how many people get hantavirus, how badly they are sickened by it, and how many die from it. It only gets attention if several people die from it in a short period of time. And then, they don’t necessarily figure out that it’s hantavirus coming from the mice. It’s just an unexplained mystery illness, like so many other things.

I guess I should get ready to go to the bus now. I don’t want to be too early though and have to wait around.

I’m changing direction. I should pour all of my energy into simply finishing the job application for the plant nursery next door to me, and postpone the attempt to get a bookkeeping job. I am sick of postponing this forever and settling for jobs that aren’t what I want, and the reason I do it is because I am always in a hurry, I have no time, there are too many obstacles and the whole world is against me – this evil world does not care about me and does not want me to succeed. My people need a special kind of support which does not exist out there in the world. I have to get money quickly and that means applying for jobs I know I can get but which aren’t what I want. I hate this. It is endless.

Knowing socionics helps with story writing, and that was what I wanted it for. It’s inconceivable to imagine how other people think and why they do what they do, but if you know socionics, you have a secret key that helps you see things the way that other people see them. It helps you create realistic characters that aren’t flat, characters who are very different from yourself the author, characters who are sympathetic, people the readers can like and relate to. This is one of the most useful things socionics is able to do.

I still find it painfully difficult to try to create characters who aren’t flat and who are different from myself.

In a world of helplessness and powerlessness, we dream of haven, a vision of peace and prosperity and fulfillment.

I’m not using St. John’s Wort at the moment, although some residue must be on my clothes. I’ve been intermittently using this Siberian Root ginseng.

I should get dressed.

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