exhausted, slow, and really confused

1:49 PM 10/31/2015

I’m so confused, I made Brent laugh. I was here last night, and Brent worked overnight, and I saw him still here when I left after playing Terraria. I came back in to work at 2:00, and I asked him, ‘When did YOU come back in?’ implying that he hadn’t been away for very long. ‘One o’clock,’ he said, and I said, ‘One o’clock!’ in great shock, as though he meant 1:00 am last night, which is what I was thinking. He said, ‘Yeah, 45 minutes ago,’ and I said, ‘Oh! Wait! I’m confused!’ and we both started laughing.

I barely slept, which is why my brain isn’t working. I stayed up very late playing Terraria, partly because I was a little bit sick – I catch vomit viruses every time there is a football game – and I’m also really tired because of dragging sticks and logs around the other day to try to build my structure. I was dragging one really heavy fallen tree that was still fresh and still had leaves attached to it – that was the hardest one. It took a couple days, but my body has now suddenly realized how exhausted I am because of that. It never hits me the first day after I do something, but several days after. Now I am moving really slowly.

I have been feeling despair at a lack of progress. I can’t make progress in any goals at all, regardless of what area of life it is. I can’t make progress on primitive skills, which is the one thing I am trying to progress in right now. And I didn’t cut my work hours back soon enough to be able to catch the harvest this fall, and I *always* miss out on the harvest, so I don’t get to do projects like rent a truck and then drive around town all day picking apples in people’s yards (with their permission).

I took a ginseng pill the other day, which might have contributed to my dragging sticks and logs around. I also used a little bit of my leftover picked dried St. John’s Wort, but it isn’t working very much at all anymore. I need to get more of it. It did almost nothing, but then I went into withdrawal and was terrified in the middle of the night.

I am feeling despair also at my lack of progress everywhere else. I can’t explain to Jesse why I want to do this primitive house building thing. He doesn’t really like to hear about it – it’s weird and unthinkable to him. He doesn’t know all of my years and years of rationales behind why I want to learn primitive skills. So I can’t tell him about it and have him cheer me on and encourage me. He sounds kind of like, ‘Ohh – that again?’ when I mention it.

I have to go punch in now. I am cold, slow, and exhausted.

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