Old Peter is in a coma

5:19 PM 1/31/2015

I was – oh my gosh, I have crumbs still under the space bar. My space bar is being unreliable at the moment, so if you – argh! I can barely even use it! Now I ripped it off and put it back on and it didn’t work right at first, so I had to take it back off and look at it more carefully, but I finally got it put back on properly. It’s even harder than a normal key to take off and put on, on a netbook. It has these little metal bars that have to be slid underneath these little holes or else it won’t work. But I got it.

Okay. Peter Chaffee is in the hospital in a coma. ‘The voices’ did not even give me the slightest warning about it when it happened. He had pneumonia, and went into a coma in the hospital. He’s on so many drugs, and now surely he is on even more in the hospital, so who knows what is causing it. He’s also horribly malnourished. He has diabetes and kidney failure, and has been getting sicker and sicker over the years, often as a side effect of drugs. But I believed my drug residues affected him too, and there was nothing I could do about that. I found this out on facebook the day before yesterday, so I don’t know yet whether he’s going to die or not – they think he might. I was seeing Peter for several years, even though he was married. I stopped seeing him a few years ago, I forget exactly when, but it correlated to my not having a car anymore, because I often used the car to help him go shopping. They didn’t have a car anymore at one point. I don’t know if they do now or not.

I paid my rent this afternoon, and I was right, I have approximately $2 left in the bank after that. I’m going to go somewhere and see if I can use the food bank, but that requires a trip. I’m also thinking I wish I could visit Peter in the hospital, but it’s hard for me to go anywhere when it’s this cold and snowy, and I have no money for the bus.

I had a conversation on the phone with Peter several weeks ago. We talk occasionally, rarely. He calls me out of the blue once in a while just to catch up. I don’t call him because, even though his wife knows I exist, and we are relatively at peace with each other, I still don’t feel comfortable just calling him. I never was able to really figure out what personality type he was. I sometimes thought he was an ILI, sometimes maybe a Delta NF, and I never was sure. I changed my mind a lot. I also don’t know Tammy’s type (his wife). His wife likes Shakespeare, and according to legend, someone said Shakespeare was an ILI. I myself can barely stand to read Shakespeare – I found it boring and depressing in every possible way. I also don’t appreciate that type of wittiness, so it wasn’t funny to me either.

During this last phone call, I told him about Jesse. I hadn’t told him before. I told him Jesse was leaving for boot camp, or had just gone to boot camp, I forget. I explained that I had met Jesse at Taco Bell. I said that even though I didn’t want Jesse to go into the army, I was going to support his decision anyway, and stay with him and wait for him to come back.

A long time ago, Peter and I discussed the possibility that Peter would father my child. We didn’t plan out any details of how exactly that would work. But it was something we seriously considered, in the back of our heads at least, although we didn’t talk about it very often. During this phone call, when I informed him that I was with another boyfriend now, it’s so sad I can barely even write it – he felt like he was no longer needed as the possible father of my child. It’s horrible, this coincidence that now all of a sudden he might be dying, as though he figured out that he was no longer needed, and had no reason to hang on any longer waiting for something that was never going to happen. Until Jesse, I hadn’t really had any boyfriends since Peter. I had been with Steve intermittently in…. 2012? 2013? I’m lost. 2013! Last year was 2014, and I was with Jesse. I was with Steve in 2013. Time is hemorrhaging.

Speaking of which, my hips and knees improved when I drank something that had synthetic vitamin D added to it. You can *kind of* use synthetic vitamin D, but I don’t like it. That’s a rant for a later time. The point is after I had that bottle of orange juice (fake orange juice, with Stevia added as a sweetener, and the orange juice was watered down or something – Trop50 – it’s real juice but just diluted and with that sweetener – Mary Jo gave me a coupon for $1 off, so I took it, because I had barely any cash left in my wallet – I usually HATE coupons), my hips improved, so it was partly vitamin deficiency related. I no longer feel quite so old.

I’d rant about vitamin D, but I’m not very caffeinated. I have this pre-ground coffee stuff from Starbucks, in little packages, which was on special for $1 a couple weeks ago. It seems to have barely any effect. I think pre-grinding coffee releases too many volatiles, and apparently, some of coffee’s drug effect comes from the volatiles, even if ‘science’ doesn’t know what all those chemicals are. I’m drinking cups of coffee with a scoop or two of coffee grounds in it, letting it soak, and drinking it out of the cup, sometimes avoiding the coffee grounds and letting them settle to the bottom, other times swallowing the coffee grounds. Even though I swallow the coffee grounds, they are so weak they do almost nothing! Maybe they were on sale because they were old and stale or something.

So anyway, this coincidence – it’s actually normal for Peter to get pneumonia, he gets it every year – oh, I’d rant if I could, about how horrible his so-called ‘medical care’ is, with quotes around it. Why he’s always sick, why he never gets better, why he’s malnourished, everything. Anyway, so now he gets pneumonia right after finding out that I have a boyfriend who I’m serious about. He was always saying that in the future I was going to find some cute young guy, or something, wasn’t he? I think he used to say that. I think Jesse counts as the cute young guy that I was going to find one day. So now all of a sudden it’s like Peter’s job is done. But that makes me very sad. Fortunately, Peter has a son, Deter (I know, they picked rhyming names).

They are part of the declining birth rate trend – just one child. This is risky: the child could die before having children of its own, ending the family line. I would never want to have just one child. We don’t have an official one-child policy here in the USA, but various factors are causing it to happen anyway in all of the modernized countries – a combination of a bad economy, two parents working, high prices and high rent and an unlivable life in general, and then other hostile factors like electronic mind control and depopulation programs, conspiring to make people unable to have children or not wanting to have children. If you don’t live on a farm, it’s hard to support any children at all. On a farm, you get your own food, and the children do farm work. They are not a burden but an asset.

But I don’t like it – Peter found out that I have another boyfriend, and he expressed sadness and support at the same time – I forget his exact words, but he told me to support Jesse all I could as he was joining the army – that was one area where Peter and I often disagreed – he was all in favor of just nukin’-em-all as a solution to everything, without understanding what caused them to hate us, without understanding what led to the war, without understanding the deceptive motives behind the war, like stealing oil, and so on, and how war is just a way of entertaining the people so that they can feel powerful about something, without having any actual impact or changing the status quo or threatening anyone who has real power. You can go kill brown people and feel powerful and famous and important, but in reality you’ve done nothing good for the world, and the world is still just as evil as it was yesterday.

Anyway he gave me his blessing. That’s what I was trying to say. He gave me his blessing, and then he went and got pneumonia and went into a coma and is now for all practical purposes maybe dead, I don’t know yet. I had a chance to talk to him only just weeks before this happened, and it *feels like* it’s connected to my telling him about Jesse, even though it really isn’t – the yearly battles with pneumonia are a routine. But it just really feels like Peter knows he’s not needed for anything else, now that I have found another potential father for my child, so he can leave now. I don’t want him to leave. And he still has his own son, who is 14 years old.

I got a letter in the mail from Jesse. ❤ Just today. It was from several days ago, so I don’t know how he’s doing now. He was still in the stage where you’re doing all the paperwork and everything. I was very, very happy to get the letter.