my liver hurts

1:24 AM 12/22/2014

I’m actually having a hard time right now. My liver hurts, and my intestines have a feeling of being very sick and hungry at the same time, somehow, painful and empty. It’s the ginseng, I know that. I’m in enough discomfort that it’s hard to concentrate, and after I complained about the game getting hacked, they hacked it again and messed up more stuff, immediately after I posted that blog. I can’t redo all the stuff that they destroyed because I just can’t think right now, since I feel sick and can’t concentrate.

I had an incident with Jesse which worries me – it’s the type of thing I don’t want to be doing. Jesse invited me to jog with him today. We had texted several times, but he said he didn’t want to go right now, so I figured he might want to go later. We texted a few more times and I told him I was going to get food. When I went to Weis, I got the food and then went directly to his house, even though he hadn’t explicitly invited me to come over at that exact moment – we hadn’t officially said that we were definitely going to meet each other right now and go jogging, we had just been texting a little bit in an indecisive way. But I went over there, and then sent him a text, and the wording of the message was written by ‘them’ – I told him that I was sitting outside eating my soup, but that if he didn’t want me there he could tell me to leave. I sort of thought he would just open the door and then come outside and we would go jogging, but then, he texted me back and said he was taking a nap. I apologized and said I would leave after I finished eating, and I did.

I don’t want to aggressively go to his house whenever he hasn’t explicitly invited me. It’s not *really* bad to do that, since he has accepted my relationship with him in general, it’s just that it could become annoying if it happens too often or gets out of control or excessive. He lives with his parents, and so he has to be willing for me to come over – it isn’t always convenient, and he doesn’t really want me hanging out with his family. I can’t just go there and hang out in one of his rooms and leave him alone while he naps or something – he’s not really comfortable just having me there.

I don’t have any food in the house, not really. I have a few things, but not enough, and nothing I really want. My liver hurts, my intestines sort of hurt and feel hungry, and I can’t concentrate, and I sort of feel like I need to gag or vomit. Liver and stomach problems are connected with anger – I don’t mean that anger CAUSES liver and stomach problems, I mean that the liver and stomach problems happen first as a result of the poison, and after something is wrong with your liver and stomach, you get angry, because the discomfort in your stomach feels the same as the emotion of anger and is connected to the emotional system in your body. Emotions result from physical things going on in your body. They are not merely some vague thing going on in your brain, up in your head. The sickness comes first from poison, and the anger results from the feeling of sickness, and that is what I have going on here. The hackers did their usual routine of doing something to cause even more anger – they hacked the game again after I wrote the previous blog. I can’t always predict what the hackers are going to do, because sometimes they might do something ‘nice’ and fix whatever it was that I complained about – that has happened before too, which is why I chanced it and decided to complain. I don’t remember specific examples, I just vaguely remember incidents where hacking problems got fixed because I complained about them – I’d write a complaint, and the hacking problem instantly went away, or perhaps was fixed by the next day. It can happen and sometimes happens, and that was why I decided to complain about it.

However, I remember extreme and severe hostility and attacks associated with anything creative that I was doing, music in particular, and the hostility of this attack on the gamemaker resembles that. I had actually thought about getting a music program, something I could download for free, so that I could edit sounds and music, and the reason I was thinking about doing that was because I was working with gamemaker.

Why would the hackers be hostile about something that they themselves suggested I do in the first place? They’re the ones who were putting the word ‘gamemaker’ into my head over and over again, suggesting that I go out and find this and download it. I don’t know if the ‘benevolent attackers’ are the same people, or different people, from the ‘hostile attackers,’ or whether they really are two different groups fighting against each other. I always assumed that the ‘good cop/bad cop’ routine was a trick designed to manipulate me and get my loyalty. I always assumed they were the same people, sometimes pretending to be evil and malicious, other times pretending to be benevolent and helpful and wishing me the best. I have no way of knowing whether they are the same, or different people.

The net effect is that I have stayed here in State College, miserable, working minimum wage jobs, unable to save any money, unable to relocate even a couple miles in any direction to even the closest town, for instance, Altoona. I can’t even so much as move to Altoona. I mentioned Altoona because I’ve been there a couple times recently and I sort of liked it. It’s different from State College. It has a different sort of people. I noticed more pregnant women walking around there – no joke – and if there are pregnant people walking around, then it is a good place to live. There is almost nobody pregnant walking around in State College. This is a ‘business only’ place to live. Nothing but students studying here. It’s not a ‘home.’

Anyway the net result of these attacks has been to ruin my life for seventeen years. Granted, I have Jesse, probably because of their intervention. I have reason to believe that he was brought to me by force, by their intervention. However, they shouldn’t be attacking him either – they shouldn’t be attacking either of us. There is no way to separate ‘what would have happened’ from ‘what did happen,’ because I have not been free from the attacks for decades, perhaps my entire life. I cannot know what I would have done without the attacks, but I know for sure that I would have been more successful in life than this. I used to be able to concentrate, in my mind, quietly, and when I concentrate, I achieve great things. I would have done much more. I would not have done seventeen years of misery. They’re forcing me to keep losing jobs and being unable to apply to new ones, right now, so that I can’t have any money to go down to Georgia with Jesse. But it helps to relocate, for many reasons – the attacks differ from place to place, although they do not completely stop, and if you can find a location where the attackers are, for some reason, more mellow and less dedicated to total, nonstop life destruction, maybe because they have fewer resources, maybe because they are happier in their own lives and feel less of a need to kill and destroy, but for whatever reason, the attackers behave differently in different locations – if you can find a location where they behave differently, then it’s worthwhile to relocate even to some random place for no particular reason, just to get away from the location where the attackers are more violent and more totally destructive. There are variables – I know that here in State College, the attacks are so completely nonstop that I don’t even have a space of a couple seconds in between the constant zaps. But in other locations, you might actually get moments of silence in between attacks which are distinct, individual, separated attacks, instead of a constant nonstop storm of unavoidable noise. In those brief moments between the attacks, it’s possible to think a thought all the way through to the end of it. They let you live, a little bit. That’s why I wanted to move to random locations with Jesse as he goes into the military, so that I could try other areas and see if I coudl find places where the attackers were less horrible than they are here. I could also go to Green Bank, WV, and see how it is there – they have rules about the use of electromagnetic frequencies because of the radio telescope there.

I’m sick and hungry. I need to use some kind of drug so I can survive this unemployment, so I can fill out applications in spite of my terror and trauma blocking me from writing the words on the paper. I don’t like this side effect of sickness, liver pain, rage, and impulsive/inappropriate behavior such as obeying the forced urge to ride my bike over to Jesse’s house when he was taking a nap. I imagine the impulsive behavior will get worse as my liver gets more poisoned over time. I’m also noticing light sensitivity – these horrible, evil, mercury-poisoned, energy saver compact fluorescent bulbs, which I swore I was going to replace with normal bulbs, but never got around to it – they are too bright, and burn my eyes while I sit here using the computer, so I have to do it with all the lights off – I can’t stand even to have one of those lights on indirectly when it’s in the next room not shining right into my eyes. The light is absolutely horrible. Normally, I always hate those bulbs, but my eyes are less sensitive and I’m able to ignore them, for the most part, although they cause subconscious discomfort and I would prefer to have incandescent bulbs. You shouldn’t have to ignore pain. Subconscious pain *does* lower your quality of life, even though you think it’s not there and you think you’re able to ignore it. If these were incandescent bulbs, I’d be happier and more relaxed because that subconscious pain would be gone. The less subconscious pain you have, the less of a burden is on you constantly, and the higher your quality of life. Subconscious pain matters, and that is why mind control attacks are extremely harmful to quality of life, even though the stupid soul-murderers claim that we’re unable to perceive the attacks, and therefore it’s not doing us any harm. It IS harming us. Any subconscious discomfort and subconscious distraction increases the burden upon us and lowers our quality of life.

I don’t want to call Mom again and ask for money. And I wanted to be able to visit WV too. I was hoping to go down there soon. I won’t be able to because I have no money. This needs to be fixed, and soon – I won’t be able to tolerate this ginseng for very long. I need to quit it soon. It’s making me too sick and angry.

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