1:28 PM 12/1/2014
I wanted to use caffeine to help myself fill out a couple of applications, but as always, that did not work, and instead I spent the caffeine energy doing other things that are totally unrelated to job hunting. They *could* potentially be related to job hunting if I had infinite time and infinite resources and did not need to start earning money right this instant, but instead had someone paying for my room and board (doesn’t ‘board’ mean food? maybe I should google that).
I downloaded GameMaker: Studio. But this is a long and complicated story. First I downloaded a download accelerator called DownloadStudio. It’s a REALLY great program and it hugely speeds up your downloads. I chose it after reading comparisons of different software on wikipedia, because download managers sometimes come with adware. This one does not.
GameMaker said it was going to probably take two hours to download, if I recall, and when I used the download manager, I had it in about fifteen minutes. Why don’t our computers automatically include a download accelerator on the computer when you buy it, or in the browsers? Because the people who make our computers are out of touch with reality and don’t know what users want. I wouldn’t have known that download managers existed, except that I was lucky enough to have a computer literate boyfriend many years ago, and I learned a lot by observing him and getting his help. Most average users and grandmas don’t know download managers exist, so they are just doing normal downloads and taking two or three hours only to have it cut off somewhere in the middle and be unable to restart. This is a huge, major part of using a computer, and it ought to be an essential part of the operating system, because people download huge programs all the time. It has to be able to break the huge file into pieces, download all the pieces simultaneously, and then reassemble the pieces, and pick up where it left off if there is an interruption. Nothing impossible about that, but it’s not automatically included with Windows. At least I don’t think it is.
Maybe this isn’t something the average user does daily, but when you do it, it is a HUGE annoyance and extremely frustrating to download it the normal way, all night long, with multiple interruptions and restarts.
I’m having a great time being unemployed, although I didn’t do anything interesting when I was off caffeine, I just slept a lot. Now that I’m drinking tons of caffeine again I’m suddenly programming video games. Out of nowhere. Actually maybe it wasn’t out of nowhere, I think I know what led to it. A random series of events. I googled something about how my cats don’t like this particular type of cat food, and I ended up reading a web page made at Angelfire. Remember Angelfire? That’s ancient, but it still exists. It had all these ads on the page, and I touched one of the ads to try to either close it or move it aside, but instead, it opened up the ad.
It was a little farming strategy game. I forget what it’s called – I’d have to look it up again. I guess it’s similar to Farmville on facebook. It’s called Goodgame Big Farm. You have to give them your email address to play it, and I did, because I guess I was feeling trusting and unsuspicious that day. I played it for a little while, but lost interest. I loved Roller Coaster Tycoon, I love the idea of farming in the real world, but for some reason this particular game wasn’t my thing. Maybe it was too easy. When I got Rollercoaster Tycoon 2 and started making my own scenarios, I made them extremely hard and almost unwinnable. Like my life.
(Weird sentence structure today: short sentences without a predicate, or whatever, the other half of the sentence. I’ve also been hearing ‘different voices’ who are encouraging me to do this stuff, and they are one of the reasons for the weird sentence structure. Whenever I was down on my luck – in the past, when I was unemployed and using St. John’s Wort – the voices used to be extremely abusive and horrible. Now that I am no longer using that particular drug, they aren’t like that. It used to seem like I was assigned to ‘different people’ if my life circumstances changed, as though I got ‘downgraded’ or something and put in a different category for a different type of treatment.)
After that, ‘they’ prompted me to do some google searches for little free games, and I found something called ‘Knytt,’ after reading a page of reviews about the best free little games. It’s just a simple little basic game with simple graphics. You’re a little girl, who sort of looks like a cat, but I think that might be her long hair braid, I’m not sure. It looks like a little cat with a tail, or a little mouse. She can climb up walls. You get to walk all over this alien planet finding things, and it’s nonviolent for the most part, although there are a small number of dangerous animals that will hurt you, but when you die, you just reappear at the last saved game point, and you have infinity lives. It’s a very nonviolent game, and all the creatures are cute. I couldn’t figure out how to start the game at first, but all you have to do is click ‘slot 1’ or whatever it says, which is the particular slot where your saved game will go, so that more than one person can save their games at different places.
So I played that game for a couple of hours and finished it. It’s not extremely long. It will keep you busy for one afternoon if you have nothing to do for a while.
Apparently then, my mission became to make my own game. The voices were saying ‘Gamemaker,’ so I googled that and found it.
However, using GameMaker was not a simple thing. The first one I downloaded was the latest one. I built a game, but I had to save my game after every tiny little change I made, because it kept crashing spontaneously over and over and over, for no reason, even if it was just sitting there doing nothing. (‘Oh, it’s 3:05pm, time to crash!’) I could not even compile and run the game AT ALL – it just wasn’t looking in the right place for the file, or something, and wouldn’t let it make all the extra files that it needs to attach together for it to run. That latest version of GameMaker is still kind of being worked on, and they said it was stable, but in the forums a lot of people were having major problems with it. Someone said to just use the older version. So, after a long struggle, that’s what I did, and it worked. This was the version that finally worked for me: http://store.yoyogames.com/downloads/gm-studio/GMStudio-Installer-1.3.1386.exe
When I was frustrated with GameMaker yesterday, I was also very manic, maybe because I hadn’t had caffeine in a long time, or rather, had only had a couple cups of it, so my body still had enough resources for the caffeine to be able to actually WORK. I depleted all my resources by using such huge amounts of caffeine for so many years. It really, really is bad for you, and I absolutely do not want to use caffeine while pregnant, but that means I need some way that I can afford to sleep all day, and then sleep again all night, until and unless I can fix my chronic fatigue, and do a decon too, because I have traces of pesticide residues on my clothing and in my bed – I need to buy a vinyl mattress cover, and either wash the blanket super super super thoroughly, or buy a new one.
In the past, my depression and anxiety have magically lifted after I did a decon. It will help greatly, but I just can’t afford a decon when I have no money to buy all new belongings and all new clothing and new protective items like the vinyl mattress cover. The poisons go through my skin, constantly, while I’m wearing the clothes or sleeping in the bed, and they do not wash out very well. I touched my McD uniform and had a reaction to it even though it was washed. Washing machines recycle the same water for a long time during the wash, because usually it’s harmless and doesn’t matter, but if you are trying to remove a poison, then you need a constant flushing of fresh new water, and that will ‘waste’ a lot of water (‘waste’ is in quotes because water is infinitely recyclable if you have the means to clean it well enough, and the money).
Anyway, when I was installing GameMaker yesterday, and getting frustrated when it didn’t work, I ended up downloading a whole bunch of other game making software, but none of it was really what I wanted. For some unexplainable reason, I don’t really like the HTML5 games, but that might just be the particular ones I’ve seen. There’s something about the way it looks and moves that I don’t like, and I also don’t like the particular language – something about the language bothers me, and I prefer the .exe games and words ‘sprite’ and stuff like that – maybe because I’m old, and when I first began, decades ago, I was watching my brother make his little pixellated games with Basic on our ancient PC.
I just have it in my mind that that’s a ‘real’ game. It’s simple enough that a teenager could do it decades ago. I wanted to do that kind of thing, at age 40, after having wanted to do it for YEARS, but being too busy working and being exhausted all the time. The only reason I haven’t progressed in life is chronic fatigue and working too many hours. I’m very intelligent, if only I can stay awake and have motivation and mental focus. When I was a child, I was creative, and I drew pictures and wrote fiction stories. Those pictures and fiction stories would have been perfect for making video games. My energy was destroyed by a lifetime of poisons and viruses and vaccines and the modern lifestyle and unknown factors. The ‘modern lifestyle’ includes the fact that we have to pay rent. I’m whatever that kind of anarchist is that doesn’t believe in land ownership, but I don’t have the details worked out, and it might work best in a society where all the members were a particular group of socionic types that all agreed to not worry about land ownership. You’d have to be able to choose the socionic types of the members of that society. And even then, you’d still have to counter-brainwash them to forget the norms of the society they grew up in.
I’ve been reading a lot of interesting stuff during this burst of mania. I read about the ‘Fermi Paradox’ on a very well-written website that I will have to find again. I think I wrote it down here. http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/fermi-paradox.html (For some reason that page appears in dark gray in my opera browser. I had to click ‘user mode’ to see the writing.) It asks the question, if our universe is so enormous and so old, then why aren’t we seeing more aliens who grew up before us and are billions of years more advanced than we are? Shouldn’t they be able to find their way here?
People tried to answer that question by creating hypothetical scenarios. One idea is called ‘The Great Filter.’
(While manically fantasizing about video games, I imagined making a game of Tardigrades getting through the Great Filter because they can survive in space without air. Tardigrades can survive just about anything. Actually, I’m not sure if they are surviving without air, that was just my fantasy for the video game. The real experiment that I’m thinking of is called ‘TARDIS,’ which stands for Tardigrades In Space, which I found by accident while trying to find out what the Tardis was on Doctor Who. They were testing what happens when you put tardigrades on a space station or something. The tardigrade game character would be cute and chubby, although their lack of eyes is a little bit disturbing, so I might take artistic liberty and add some cute little eyes.)
The Great Filter is some unknown event, something huge and unavoidable, which happens again and again to just chop down developing life before it ever gets a chance to become super-advanced. Perhaps some catastrophic explosions happen regularly and destroy whole regions at a time. Perhaps planets get crushed by asteroids. Whatever it is, something happens which the little creatures cannot avoid, and so no one ever gets a chance to become powerful. I thought of a giant lawnmower, mowing the grass every time it started to get long, before the grass could ever go to seed. Over and over, the grass tries to grow up fast enough, maybe after this rainstorm, fast enough to make seeds before the lawnmower comes – but no, they are struck down. Humans have to make seeds and go to other planets in order to increase the chances of extremely long term survival, but even that might not be enough if the cataclysmic event strikes the entire galaxy at once, or just the entire solar system. They saw these gamma rays coming from out in deep space, as though there had been a huge explosion, beyond the magnitude of anything we can even imagine, and the author of this blog said maybe that could be the Great Filter.
I heard ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’ when I was shopping.
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite
That could have been a meteor, like most people say nowadays, but it also could have been a UFO. It’s funny because that blog post mentioned ‘Aliens are already visiting us, but the government is covering it up,’ and he said he mentioned it because he HAD to, but thought the idea was totally idiotic. And yet, I’m kind of inclined to believe that very thing. Deep Underground Military Bases really exist, but hardly anyone knows about them. Mind control really exists, and I’m experiencing it 24 hours a day, but hardly anyone knows it’s real. Therefore, aliens might just be visiting us and the government is covering that up too.
‘They’ gave me a terrifying image of a giant meteor crashing into earth, which I was seeing at the horizon level, going at an angle, from far away, just a very huge bright light, extremely loud noise, then silence as all the atmosphere was whisked away. I also watched that movie ‘Melancholia,’ which was symbolic of human relationships, but also literally a very scary idea. The planets represent people crashing into each others lives, forming unhealthy gravitational attachments, and parasitically clinging to each other, and they parallel the one woman who comes to visit the other woman and starts to sort of dominate her (I forget the details, it was a while ago that I watched it). Wasn’t it Lars von Trier? It was some Swedish dude or Dutch guy or whoever, whose movies I’ve seen before, which are always depressing, and if that’s him, he also made ‘Breaking The Waves’ (very depressing) and ‘Dancer in the Dark’ (also depressing, but yet very beautiful). He’s one of those guys with a snuff fetish. He’s fascinated with the thought of women dying.
Anyway, ‘UFOs Bringing Jesus’ isn’t that inconceivable to me. I’m inclined to believe aliens have already been here, although they might not be coming here in huge numbers all the time, I don’t know. I think they are the reason for some supernatural beliefs, although some of the religious imagery is also secretly hidden symbolism for sex organs, like phallic symbols and labia symbols. Any angels with wings and cloaks are actually vulvas. Just look at a vulva and you’ll see the angel there with its cloak/wings spread, welcoming you into the wet, slimy tube of heaven, where all the new souls come from. What was seen cannot be unseen.
There are a few Christmas songs that I really like, even though I’m an atheist and a reader of ‘The Trouble With Christmas.’ I don’t like hearing them a hundred thousand times for an entire month, but a little bit is okay, and ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’ is pretty for a while (up till a certain number of iterations: for PlaybackIndex:=1 to 15, IsPretty:=’True.’ I’m being sloppy, but you get the idea. I’m not actually coding with these gamemakers – they are button-pushing and drag-and-dropping, made for beginners and amateurs).
When I was frustrated with GameMaker not working, in my mania, I downloaded a bunch of other programs, including Unity. UNITY IS HUGE. I would not have gotten it without a download accelerator. It took a million years to unpack everything and install itself even after it was all downloaded onto my computer. Unity is too much for me at this point. It’s not made for a beginner. I can’t just look at it and see how to operate it without reading the instructions, the way I did with GameMaker.
I only had one little struggle with GameMaker – I didn’t know how to add an action to an event, because I thought you had to PUSH those little buttons, but you actually have to DRAG them into the box. It kept giving me a little circle with a diagonal crossed line meaning ‘you can’t do that’ every time I tried pushing the button. So I did the tutorial and it explained how to drag and drop, and after that, I was able to figure out most of it myself without instructions. It’s that easy! I could write a sales pitch for this software, except for having been traumatized by the constantly crashing, error-prone, unstable latest version. The older version seems usable so far though. After I spent hours fooling around with other programs and downloading one after another, only to find that, for instance, something only lets you make HTML5 with the free version, or the interface is hard for me to understand at a glance, or whatever, after all that, this morning I started over, uninstalled GameMaker, downloaded an older version, installed it, and got it working instantly.
I just had drawn my own little sprite, the cartoon for your character or for any other stuff in the game. In those simple little games, you usually just use a little copy of the same image over and over again, like little brick images repeating in the wall. I drew a little girl with long hair and brown clothes and bare feet, but I had no idea how tiny she was going to be. I drew ‘grass’ on little hills for the background. I just used my mouse, but I’d like to use a… digital pen? stylus? whatever they call it nowadays. I was googling ‘light pen,’ which is an old-fashioned word for it. You use a pen to draw on the computer, instead of the mouse, that’s all. If I had that, I could draw much better.
So I drew a clumsy grassy hill and a tiny little girl the size of a fairy, by accident, and made her walk out onto the grass. The blades of grass are as big as trees to her. There might be a way to make her bigger, I just haven’t tried that yet, because I only installed it yesterday/today and was struggling with all the issues and just trying to figure out how to get it to work at all. (Maybe it will be a game about a little fairy girl who stays that size and just walks around in the giant blades of grass.)
But it worked! I installed the older version, ran my game, and after figuring out what I had to do, I got her to walk out onto the grass and then just stop. Nothing happens, but who cares! I got her to move! She appeared on the screen, the images were all where I wanted them to be, she moved down the path I set for her – who cares. I was delighted. I don’t care how crude and primitive it is. I’ve never made any game at all before, in all my life, because I was busy having chronic fatigue and wasting time working at my job. Unemployment is awesome. I’ll be addicted to unemployment if I feel comfortable taking infinite money from my parents, but I do not feel comfortable doing that, so it won’t last much longer, and I’ll enjoy the time while I have it. Soon, I will panic as I run out of money, then call my parents in desperation, feeling guilty and horribly ashamed and anxious, and then I’ll panic and fill out an application for some random place and go to work again. But I will still have GameMaker and DownloadStudio, if I ever have free time again, and if it’s possible for me to be creative and focused without caffeine. I wish.
(Because I still intend to quit caffeine, it’s just that it’s almost impossible for me to do ANYTHING when I can’t troubleshoot my chronic fatigue. I don’t have enough money to do a decon or buy special foods. Troubleshooting my chronic fatigue, without using caffeine, is going to be a HUGE, MAJOR project, because my problems are so deep and so unfixable that I might not ever succeed in making it better, I may just have to merely treat the symptoms forever, or just live a life of sleeping all day and all night.)
I actually have millions of ideas for video games. There are so many, I can’t make them all, especially when I’m just learning the basics. I love the idea of educational games, games that teach you a practical skill. After watching dear Jesse struggling with math while studying for the ASVAB, I imagined math games. They would not be dumbed-down and childlike, but actually challenging, and would require you to use the process over and over again until you knew it and could do it quickly. They could be made for ANY level of math all the way up to super-expert-calculus-vector-matrixes and what not. Anything.
Vector matrixes or matrices, whatever they are called, are something I looked up in a book a few years ago, because something said you should study those if you want to understand electromagnetic fields and waves. I never learned how to do them, because I was still stuck on page 1 or page 2 of the book, trying to follow the steps of the proof he was giving, and he made some kind of intuitive leap that I could not follow without an explanation, and FINALLY, after, like, WEEKS of being stuck on page 1 or page 2 or whatever it was, I FINALLY understood the reason why this proof worked. It was some kind of method for multiplying vectors or something, and you use a trick where you just add some numbers together or do something weird, I forget what, and I couldn’t understand why that trick worked, so I had to struggle through the proof for weeks, and finally I saw something on the page where he was talking about that, but I hadn’t understood.
That is my pattern of studying math, and I did it that way all the way back in high school calculus class. I’d study some explanation for weeks until I understood it, while the rest of the class had moved on to a new lesson every day, and I’d be weeks behind the rest of the class. This method worked for me – I scored a 5 out of 5, the highest possible score on the AP Calculus test. Who would think that the girl who never did any homework and was struggling with some concept from weeks ago would be able to get such a high score on the test? This is one of the few achievements in my life that I can brag about. I can’t brag about much else in my life, but till the end of eternity no one can change the fact that I scored a 5 on the AP Calculus test, so I’ll brag about that.
I was always under horrible stress about never doing any of my homework in school, and every once in a while, ‘they’ give me a dream at night where I remember that feeling, that sensation of being in that world, where you have six or seven different classes and dozens of pages of homework and essays and you haven’t been doing any of it for MONTHS and there is NO WAY that you can possibly catch up to where you are supposed to be – especially if you’re a perfectionist and you want everything done right. It used to cause me physical pain to do anything imperfectly or sloppily or half-assed. In the dreams, I would always have to drop out of my college classes because I hadn’t even attended them for months, although in reality I actually attended the classes, I just didn’t do any work. I actually wanted to do every single assignment and do it perfectly until it was complete and until I understood it, and I could not fake understanding – it had to be real. I could not let go of something and move on to the next lesson if I hadn’t completely and perfectly understood every bit of the lesson I was stuck on. If I didn’t understand how Step 1 leads to Step 2, or how Step 17 leads to Step 18, I would stick to it for weeks or months until I did, but that meant I could never turn any homework in. Eventually I dropped out of college…
I wasn’t able to memorize anything. I was very uncomfortable about memorizing something I didn’t understand. So I would re-derive a formula by rewriting the proof, every time I needed to use a formula that I couldn’t remember. I could not memorize shortcuts. I still remember trying to memorize the quadratic formula, the one that lets you solve any equation, trying to understand the proof of why that equation works, the x = +/- (the square root of)(something blah blah)(divided by something blah blah). I still cannot remember. I used to try to re-derive the proof for that every time I needed to use that equation to solve something!
I know what to expect from Jesse after being with him almost a year now. He goes through phases where he won’t talk to me, and there is some reason for it, but I can expect him to talk to me again. He texted me a couple days ago and explained that I was a distraction to him. I really was distracting him instead of helping him when I was there when he studied math. Every once in a while, I answered a question about something if he really couldn’t get it on his own from the math website that he was working on. He was using something called ‘March2Success,’ which has a bunch of tutorials to give you ASVAB test practice. (Living here in Denialville, being unemployed and not worrying about where my money will come from, I can also deny that Jesse is going into the military and might die or move far away and change everything, so that I have to either follow him or let him go alone.)
I’m going to post this, which will make me remember a bunch of stuff that I forgot to say. Basic summary: the last few days I suddenly went back to using tons of caffeine after being off it for several days, which caused it to actually WORK again, and suddenly I became manic, and was fooling around, downloading software, learning to make a very simple game, and reading lots of weird stuff about the Fermi paradox, and I also spent many hours watching some lady on Youtube because I did a google search for ‘Weston Price kids,’ and she’s feeding her kids the Weston Price diet. She seemed like an LSE. Apparently Delta ST mothers have no problem accepting the idea of special diets to treat behavior problems and other stuff without scientific proof from the mainstream establishment. It doesn’t particularly bother us that the official scientists tell us it doesn’t work, because we’re seeing with our own eyes that it DOES work, and that’s all we need. I dunno, maybe that’s not all Delta STs, but anyway.
I never had the slightest doubt that Weston Price was true, although I considered that he might have cherry-picked the healthiest looking people for his photos, and didn’t photograph the worst ones. But after reading that other anthropologists had noted exactly the same thing, I never worried about it again. It’s not just Weston Price, it was a lot of people who noticed that primitive people living a pre-contact lifestyle with zero modern foods and zero modern consumer goods had healthy bodies that were perfectly formed, including zero dental cavities and wide mouths with no need for orthodontic braces. OF COURSE this is true. (Note: it is NOT true if you look at groups of people who have some contact with the modern world, buying white flour at the store and so on, buying tobacco and liquor. Just because they belong to a tribe doesn’t make them primitive enough for this. They have to be extremely isolated zero-contact tribes.) It seems so inevitable and so real to expect that this would happen.
Why do we instinctively feel that people with these deformities are ‘ugly?’ Because they’re not supposed to be that way, and we didn’t evolve that way, and the body isn’t supposed to form that way, therefore something is WRONG. Something unnatural is happening.
Then there are some very dramatic pictures on the westonaprice.org website, where there was a big area sprayed with pesticides in Montana, and the whitetail deer started having weird facial deformities similar to humans. They showed a wild deer with big, crooked, buck teeth sticking out of its mouth. That never happens just at random from the ‘DNA lottery,’ it happens when they are exposed to either toxic chemicals, malnutrition, or both.
There are other things that cause deformities in animals. I was reading about the Eskimo Sled Dog recently, and one web page said that that dog isn’t prone to hip dysplasia, a deformity of the hip joints, the way that other dog breeds are. I just read recently that hip dysplasia is caused by spaying and neutering your pets before their bones have fully grown up. They need those hormones to develop fully, and when you chop off those body organs, their bodies don’t develop, they get deformities, and they become severely obese or moderately obese. Chopping off sources of hormones doesn’t make you healthy. I wonder if maybe they aren’t spaying and neutering the sled dogs as much as we do down here in the south. Then again, maybe it really is breed DNA that makes our dogs more prone to it, but I’m inclined to think there are other reasons besides DNA.
Oh well, like I said, I’m going to post this. I’m on tons of caffeine right now, and don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the day. I’ll play with GameMaker Studio a little bit. I hope to fill out some job applications too. I love unemployment. I wish that the world worked the way I think it should, where people don’t pay rent. Yes, that could be a video game too. Create a world simulation where X is true. Or I could make an educational game teaching you how hard it is to pay the bills in real life. You’d make the mistake of buying nothing but beans and rice at the grocery store, and then the character’s health would decline, you’d be plagued with intense and unbearable cravings, you’d suffer fatigue, and so on. Maybe the character would become inoperable, so that you could no longer control it and it didn’t obey you anymore. That’s my whole problem – I can’t just push a button and force myself to do things that I wish I could do. My body doesn’t obey. So a realistic character would be stubborn and reluctant to move, or downright unable to move, no matter how you forced it, if it was in ill health. In the game, the character would just start making impulse buys and getting a chocolate bar at the checkout line, even if you told it not to! You’d lose control. That’s how hunger and addictions are.
Programming a game makes you start to see the whole world in terms of code. Conner the cat follows a strange path and does this ritual when he wants to go outside – he must walk over here to this location, jump to the top of this chair, then jump down to the floor when you are opening the door. That’s ‘follow path.’ There’s no reason why he must climb to the top of the chair and then jump down, he just always does it that way out of habit for some reason.
Many games are so *conventional*. They fit them into these categories, and then everyone makes a game for that category, and it’s always shoot-em-up, and so on. Fight this battle. I prefer less violent games. I love exploration games, and I also like the idea of things growing and developing. Nurture games. I’m a woman. Maybe I could make womanly games, and they’d be a popular niche because no one else is making womanly games!