still severely incapacitated and frozen

2:20 PM 7/24/2014

I’m having a miserable day. I have completely failed at almost everything with regard to moving out of my apartment. The most I did towards moving my furniture was, I looked in the yellow pages of the phone book, which luckily I was able to find lying on my floor, and looked up garbage and rubbish removal. I know which one I would call. So it’s possible that I might be calling these people and having them come here early in the morning on Saturday.

Or maybe I will just quit, give up, and surrender, and let it happen. I will be charged a fee for leaving ‘my’ furniture here. I don’t know how much the fee will be. I don’t know what else will happen.

I’ve been suffering from severe incapacitation, lockup, freezing, being unable to move or take action. I am just helplessly, passively waiting for time to pass. I’m still dragging myself to work every day, successfully. I haven’t lost any jobs yet.

I could barely even sort through my belongings or put them into bags. They will be put into black garbage bags and then taken by taxi to the hotel, or that is what I believe will happen. Perhaps I should check into the hotel on FRIDAY night, so that I don’t have to try to check in on Saturday morning. That way it will be ready for me to move my stuff there in the morning of Saturday.

I’m suffering from severe fatigue and overwork, and too much soda drinking. And I didn’t have any milk this morning. Last night, I stuffed a bunch of things into my mini fridge. I had a medium sized pizza box in there too, but I had to set it a certain way so that it wouldn’t push the door open. I thought that I had it set up okay when I went to bed last night after putting the stuff in there. But when I woke up this morning, the door was open, the fridge thermometer said “60 degrees,” and so I would not drink the milk or eat the pizza. I know pizza can sit around for a while, but it had sausage and stuff on it, and I don’t feel comfortable about eating that.

I had to defrost the fridge, but if I had done it myself, I would have moved the stuff into the main fridge in the kitchen so I could still drink my milk.

The milk is no longer serving its original purpose. Originally, it was to help me quit caffeine. And yes, it’s true, ever since I started buying the quarts (or whatever they are) of organic half and half, I’ve stopped buying bottles of Starbucks Frappuccino, and that is a *very* good thing. I used to drink several bottles every night when I worked at TB – I would get two packs of four bottles each, and sometimes drink maybe five or six bottles in one evening. Now I just drink cream, and I don’t drink as much, and it costs less, and it’s organic, and it doesn’t cause sexual arousal, and it doesn’t have caffeine. The only problem is, it messes up my brain and makes me stupid. I am having some kind of reaction to the milk. I’d like to try drinking what’s known as A2 milk instead of A1 milk (it’s technical, has something to do with a protein in the milk) to see if I didn’t have this reaction. I keep repeatedly doing really stupid things and making stupid, annoying mistakes after drinking this milk.

For instance, yesterday at McD, I was taking orders on the headset. But several times, I interrupted someone else who was taking orders on another channel. When they told me that I was done taking orders, and all I had to do was let other people take the orders while I did nothing but take cash, I *still* tried taking orders, like three times, not just once or twice, but like three or four times, just being persistently stupid and making the same mistake over and over again. Oops, I know you’re taking orders now, sorry. Sorry again, I know you’re supposed to take the orders not me. Oops, did it again, OMG! Whoops, my bad, I did it again, sorry (you fucking retard, what’s wrong with you?). I do stuff like that after drinking the milk. I also was trying to say the word ‘powwow,’ and said the word ‘pawpaw’ instead, while talking to someone at TB, but I caught myself (or ‘they’ notified me of the mistake, either way).

I have to go to work now. So, this disaster of moving out: I’m going to find out what happens when you do everything wrong. It might cost a lot of money. I guess I could just ignore their requests for money, but that would harm my reputation at future apartments, probably. Well, anyhow. I’m going to survive. I hate being stuck in fatigue and apathy and being incapacitated. It is severe, total,
all-encompassing helplessness making me unable to do any of the tasks I need to do.

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